Conflict

I have never considered myself a very intelligent person. I don’t understand most things brainy. I could never balance chemical equations, solve trigonometric problems, or understand geometric theorems. I especially find myself at loss when it comes to anything related to simple or compound interest. I remember sitting at the Nissan dealership nodding at the salesperson and guru ji as they told me about my principal and interest payments, hoping I didn't look as lost as I really was. I also can never figure out how much tip to give (10% of 21.90 is???). Aptitude tests became my enemy at an early age (word problems have given me many a sleepless nights). I couldn't care less if train A left station B at 3:00 pm and train B left station A at 4:00 pm and the stations are 20 miles apart, at what time will the trains passed each other. Another thing which freaks me out is anything which has a lot special characters (^&**(^}{}{$#@!{*}) and loops and triggers. Yes I tried so hard to grasp the principles of C++ but God bless my poor brain that never did care about how things work. Human minds? Yes! Machines and software? NO!!
I have no idea if this mental deficiency is caused by a birth defect or by my mother’s stern mathematical tuition or by really bad math and science teachers. I did always love my language and history teachers though. Whatever may be the cause of it; my mathematical and scientific deficiencies have convinced me I am probably not the smartest of people. My two masters’ degrees can not convince me otherwise, even though both had plenty to do with all things mathematical…ugh, there is no way around it, is there?
My Brother in Law (AB) recently asked me how much APR do I pay on my credit card and I became completely paralyzed. The words APR freeze my mind and I can no longer think or comprehend anything. AB went on to explain something about my car payments and stuff like that and all I could say was, “what do you think I should do, I trust you, tell me what to do and I will do it” lol!!
After graduating I ended up in the field of information technology and so began the torture that will last me a lifetime or so it seems. I can last only so long. There is only so much code related jargon that I can take and there are only so many brainy people I can tolerate the company of. Engineers freak me out and developers may altogether be from another planet.
The point is that I have convinced myself that I am not smart Math is my nemesis and the world is all about math. Wherever you go whatever you do, it finds you and then you have to do a little more than just add and subtract. I don’t even know why I get a tax refund. I take the money happily but I am not sure how and why I get it.
People think I am smart and they tell me so too, but I just don’t believe them. I feel like I am an impostor, walking around looking oh so intelligent with my two masters degree smartly tucked away in my impressive portfolio. I can talk the talk but fail miserably at the walk and I know it.
So not knowing things technical, mathematical or financial really make me dumb? Does it actually imply that I have sub par intelligence because I have failed to grasp the concept of percentages?
Who decided what is normal or genius? Who decided what is standard? We are so brainwashed into believing what is acceptable and intelligent or what is normal that we get prejudiced against our very own self. And if we are prejudiced against our own self then how can we expect not to have prejudices against others?
I come from a place where if you are not capable of becoming an engineer or can not become a doctor you are basically not smart enough. My world is about words not numbers. My world is about feelings and not logic. My understanding is of emotions and psychology and not theories. I may not be super book-smart but I do have wisdom of my own.
I realize this yet I am convinced I am not smart. What does this mean? What does this signify? That we are all stuck to judge things by the hypocritical and illogical standards created by humans just like us who neither had the vision nor the understanding of what progress is really about. Progress is about change. It is about the people who bring about these changes. People who defy the very standards of normalcy and reject the norms by which the world expects them to live.
I spend the first 28 years of my life in a state of confusion and the next 3 in a state of embarrassment and being defensive about my knowledge and capabilities. But now I have realized what being your own person is all about. I may not know the principles of applied integration and differentiation but I do understand what the characteristics of Dickensian prose are and how they demonstrate the writer’s profound understanding of human psyche and hypocritical societal tendencies of his time (or any time). And I may not understand how a software works but I do know how the unconscious mind manipulates a person and shapes his or her personality based on certain experiences and stimuli. (making me a more tolerant person;))
I just might be smarter than I thought. Lets see 10% of 21.90 is...