I see RED!!!!!!!!!!

I am so mad. I am so freaking angry that I can bust open someone's head. I am annoyed and really frustrated. But at the core of it all I am sad. No00. I am just sooooo maddddddddddd.
My moronic 37 years old brother is going to have an angiogram. An Angiogram to detect the blockage in his arteries. And the Doctors will then put a stunt in his heart. All this at 37!!!!!! 20 something years of smoking, bad diet and just not working out any more can catch up with you. I have not seen him in 3 yrs and haven't talked to him in 2. I am mad. At him. At myself. At everything.
I had to get up at 6 in the morning this whole week to get to work and work like a dog. I am helping a friend to manage somethings and every time I mess up teeny tiny bit, he just bites my head off. My 4 weeks long weight loss plateau has stretched into three months, even though I am working my butt off to get off of it. My car gets dirty one day after I get a car wash. But these things are just the crumbs. The bloody cake goes to my brother.
How could he do this to himself. How could he not think about his 6 yrs old daughter? He used to be active and was in great shape most of his life. He is in the Army for God sake. And few setbacks in life and he goes A-wall on everyone, on himself, on his health. I am not unreasonable. I know him. I know him better than anyone else does. I understand him. Even though we have been estranged, reasons for which are far too complex and personal to be disclosed on this blog. Oh what the hell my three readers already know the entire soap opera. But that's not the point. If you decide you want to live life on your terms and make your own decisions, then you have a duty, a responsibility to take care of yourself. You don't screw up with people in your family because they have been trying to help you and say I can take care of myself so back off and then go on to screw your own self. Grrrrrr. This makes me so mad. I know exactly how the bull feels in the bull fighting arena. I see red too.
I bet if anyone reads this, they will think i am such a heartless bitch and why cant i be a little more sympathetic. After all he is my only brother. But what can I say, 30 years of standing by someone's side and seeing them mess everything up one after another, and that too when they are smart and brilliant and capable of achieving anything in the world, can set you up with so much anger that no other emotion can force its way into your heart.
He has had some tough breaks as well, no doubt about it. Things that he wanted, things that meant so much to him, always ended up in a shitty mess. And even though Karma is a bitch, not everyone has it come and bite their asses like it has chewed my poor brother's behind. Well he is my true brother in that sense.
My brother of late is not the brother I love and feel sad about or wish all health and happiness and peace of heart and mind for. That brother of mine is smart, funny, intelligent, talented, sensitive and extremely caring. That is the brother I miss and that is the brother that wants me to hunt him down and beat the crap out of, stunt and all.
I will call him tonight. After all we came from the same place and despite the history full of disagreements, we are still family. May Allah bless your troubled soul.