Breakup story - The Perpetrator

Oh yes...the much awaited (ya rite) part two of the Breakup Story - The Ditched.

Note: For sake of simplicity, I will refer to the perpetrator (perp - for short) as a he. This in no way implies that the perpetrator cannot be a female and I am some women rights activist who deems all women as victims in a man's world. Hmm actually in some instances that may be true but...hey wait a minute this is turning from a note into a post. You get the point. Lets continue with the breakup story Part II.

People who have received the bad news may not realise it but the person who breaks up does not have it easy either. He has to deal with a lot of drama at his end as well, not to mention the strategizing and planning it takes to go through with the actual breakup.

The feelings of discontentment take root within the perp long before the actual breakup. He knows he is unhappy, he knows this isn't what he wants or he realises this is not working for him, but he denies it. Of course this only happens to the perps who were actually involved in the relationship and had once been in love, as opposed to the ones who are just out to have a good time - our modern day Casanovas and Jezebels. (I have no experience of being either so lets not focus on them)

The state of denial lasts for sometime as he tries to work things out, but either of these two things happen to end this self-destructive behavior. The perp falls for someone else or the perp's partner confronts him with a "talk". The "talk" almost always involves references to future plans, wedding or just simply taking the next step, whatever that may be. The perp suddenly panics and tries to stall sometimes successfully while at others not so much. Unsuccessful stalling usually results in him accepting whatever is being proposed.

Either event forces the perp to think and reevaluate his feelings, thoughts and ultimately his priorities. In other words, he freaks out and tries to reason with himself as best as he can. This is where generalizing perpetrators gets the hardest. While some perps can reason and logicalize the situation and are able to see and do the right thing, others can reason, logicalize and realise but are too scared to do anything about it. In other words we can distinguish between them as chickens and non-chickens. Both the perps do break up but the circumstances are quite different.

A non-chicken perp will go and fess up like a man (or a woman) hoping he will be able to handle whatever ensues post breakup. A chicken perp on the other hand, not the one for directness, sends out signals and indirect messages to get his feelings across. He avoids phone calls, emails and meetings and becomes unreasonable, moody and very hard to be around. In other words he does a good job of humiliating his partner. Eventually the partner picks it up and confronts him. And that's when hesitatingly he fesses up. Some really big chickens actually survive several confrontations before admitting to anything.

Soon after the breakup the perp feels this sense of achievement and goodness ( read Godliness) within him. He believes he has done something good and noble by saving somebody from a life of misery and deceit. He tells anyone who will listen, how he did what he did for the other person and how the person deserved much better than him. He may have some lingering feelings of guilt here and there, but the greater sense of good puts those to rest.

Despite his best intentions the poor perp cannot spare himself from his ex's drama - the anger, the guilt trips, the threats, the questions. He tries his best to be kind and supportive but cannot help get a bit annoyed. At the same time he feels liberated and wants to enjoy his new found freedom. So he starts his own share of partying and having fun, all the while ensuring that his ex gets the message that he is happy and moving on.

Time passes and both parties get on with their lives. But every now and then they think about each other. The ditched with distaste and the perp with wonder. The perp no matter how satisfied he is with his current life will always wonder whether he did the right thing. And while he may still believe that he did, he seeks some consolation, some acknowledgment of the good. Little does he know that it is his deep-buried feelings of guilt that are causing the restlessness and that this restlessness will only be satisfied if he can get the acknowledgement and forgiveness from the ditched. These feelings sneak up on him ever so quietly catching him completely off-guard. He knows the ditched has been through hell and back, he gets the news from mutual friends and acquaintances and eventually he doesn't feel as noble as he did earlier . It may take years or months, but the guilt does hit the perp and it hits when least expected.

Overcome and consumed with guilt, the perp may reach out to the ditched. What happens after that depends on a number of factors. What kind of person is the ditched? How far along she(or he) is in her quest to get over the broken relationship? Has she moved on? What kind of lives both parties are leading? etc. etc. Some perps get forgiveness, some banishment and some get neither.

Its a tough job being the perpetrator, but is it always the evil one? Is the ditched always the victim? Is breakup ever the right thing to do? Is it all even worth it? All these questions have many contrary answers and they may vary based on perspectives and experiences. Perhaps, the questions are even worthy of a separate blog. Maybe, lets see.

Breakup story - The Ditched

People do weird things after a breakup. Some may think that the enormity of the post breakup reaction is directly proportional to the duration of the relationship. Perhaps, but some behaviors are common to all break ups. I may be wrong since I am no shrink but this is strictly based on my observation and experience ( yes I have had my own heart broken few times due to various kinds of love ranging from one sided crush to puppy love, forbidden love, love lasting 5 yrs and last but not the least love which i had no idea existed). Since I am currently in love (not mentioned above) and have completely recovered from my personal episodes of breakup drama ( or so it seems until I come face to face with some more emotional baggage that I have yet to discover), I deem myself qualified to throw some light on the sequence of events that usually follow a breakup. I hope that people currently going through breakups(so that they feel normal) or about to undergo one ( set your expectations rights and also expect the unexpected) can benefit from this post. The first few hours of the breakup are highly liberating and make you feel free and enlightened. This feeling gives u a false sense of security that you will be alright. This feeling is probably similar to the quiet relief you feel after a hurricane has passed and you think it is over, right before you step out of the house and realise what has really happened and witness the real damage. Usually the breakup follows a period of immense drama and sadness filled with arguments, accusations or total withdrawal from one or both parties. Hence, the relief at the end of it. But like most highs, this one is followed by an ultimate low and one gets engulfed by feelings of desolation, despair and immense sadness. This is when one would reach out for ice cream, songs of heartbreak and misfortune and of course the box that contains all the tokens of love that once was. You re-read all the cards and emails, go over the pictures, watch videos, all the while crying and making yourself believe you will never be as happy as you once were with this one person. Everything seems meaningless and hopeless as you travel to new depths of self-pity and misery. This continues for sometime (lasting anywhere between a day or a month) until one day the feelings of desolation are replaced by immense anger rooted in the sense of rejection or humiliation or both. This transition and self-awareness is usually incited by some news or communication with the heart breaker's world. The form and type of communication and news can be different but the underlying message is almost always the same. The heart breaker has already moved on, feels no remorse over what he/she did, wishes you would heal (this really happened) has someone new (this after swearing the reason for the breakup is not another person). In other words the message is the real stimulus for you to transition from a blithering fool to a wannabe assassin. Armed with the new found fury and sense of vengeance, you go about destroying, hiding, removing every last item that even remotely reminds you of the person. You curse the person's very existence and make secret plans( or with friends...oh ya right about now your friends come back into the pic - PS if you have no friends...God bless your soul!!!) to destroy your ex. Of course, some people actually go through with them but this is not entirely advisable. Not long after, you start displaying few or several out of character tendencies. These can range from attending/throwing parties, to speeding, obnoxious laughing and joking, un-drunken brawls(its true you will feel so angry all the time and will get ticked off at the slightest of things and I can personally vouch it applies to females as well - sigh i will leave this out for a later post), unlady-like behaviour ( for girls/gays) too much manliness (only for guys/some girls straight or otherwise), sudden display of anger or sadness. Loved ones (of course I mean parents) cringe, moan and lament the gradual regress of your soul as you loose {or gain :( } weight, sacrifice work and other duties while neglecting health and in some cases hygiene(not autobiographical i swear). This stage lasts much longer (much to my parents despair), than the first one but not as long as stage number three. I have yet to understand what transpires the onset of stage three but one day you wake up and just don't feel like leaving the bed and face the world. To be precise Stage three is a combination of stage 1 and 2. But along with despair and anger you also have to deal with feelings of self-doubt, some degree of self loathe while trying to keep your self-esteem up. During this time the breakup suddenly becomes very serious and you start wondering if you will ever be normal again. The sinking feeling in your stomach, the heavy heart, the lack of hope, energy or desire to do anything, will these feelings ever go away? You start going through the motions of normal life in hopes of becoming just that - normal. You laugh, cry, work, eat all the while feeling sad, lonely and entirely hopeless. It seems never-ending as you bounce between self-doubt, anger, sadness and light headiness for a very long time - or so it seems. Eventually given the time, you do come out of this, hopefully stronger, better and wiser. But life as you knew it will never be the same because you change so much during this drama. The pain has given birth to virulent cynicism that may become your lifelong friend(now this is definitely directly proportional to the duration and quality of the relationship and nature of its ultimate demise, definitely autobiographical). You are skeptical and slightly disillusioned. Normal is no longer normal. It is just as distorted as you are. But the good news - you live. And you survive in the best possible way, by rediscovering yourself and by fortifying your strengths, your beliefs and your faith. Its a struggle and ultimately you prevail. Oh and the upside the cynicism makes you very funny and you learn to laugh at yourself...Makes you a bigger person I think... Coming up Breakup story - The Perpetrator