After a wonderful 4th of July weekend with my family, it was so hard to get back to my life in Seattle. I realised once again how hard it is to be away from the people I love. Being away from the people in Pakistan is hard enough, now I have to be away from the people in Cali? Especially now that two of my people from Pakistan are in Cali. And even though I have become a space whore (the typical syndrome of living the American way of life) and can generally be highly irritable to any questions or criticism about the way I do things and lead my life and of course loved ones tend to do both (question and criticise), I'd still prefer if they lived in the same town as me. Families are like that I guess. Cant live with them or without them.
Last week I had a mother of all migraines. It was awful and I spent hours trying interhcangebaly to hold down my water and food, to fall asleep and not to cry and yell "make it stop" at the top of my voice. Stop it didn't but I did eventually fall asleep. Usually when this devil takes over your body you do need to go through a full-blown exorcism of sorts to recover from it. For one whole day, I stayed away from sound, light, sun, computer, work, gym, food and most importantly all kinds of smells. I finally recovered long enough to fly to Cali fro the long weekend and enjoy my Friday with M. But lo and behold. Come Saturday morning the devil returns. Of course it didn't help that my three nephews squeal so much. I mean I never realised what a bunch of squealers they are. With each subsequent squeal my brain did a somersault in my skull. Finally my mother came in and offered to give me a head massage. Just like the old times when during my childhood migrainal episodes, Ami used to rub my head and completely exorcised the Devil. I wondered if it will still work. Sure enough, a head rub by Ami and couple of hours long nap, and I woke up headache less ready to enjoy the fireworks. Only mothers can do this :-)
I love 4th of July mainly because its usually the warmest of all the holidays in America and also because I love fireworks. Absolutely, completely and totally loveeeeeeeeeeee fireworks. No surprise that during the display I squealed just as loudly as my little nephews. Before the display they played all the old MJ songs. I danced on Billy Jean with Nephew number 2 on my shoulders. What fun. My oldest Nephew who obviously doesn't take after me on the dancing skills, kept bumping and running into people (mostly me) on purpose. Apparently, that is his dance move. Sighhhh!!!
Sunday was just as fun with a picnic at the beach followed by a Dosa with Papa and M. Yummm.
The highlight of the whole weekend, which made coming back here the hardest was my little angel telling me "Don't go!! This is your home! This is your new home!! Stay here!! This is your Family!!" Being that he isn't the most talkative of kids, this was so amazing and touching. Also amazing is the fact that I didn't start crying and cancel my flight :)
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
To be an extension of you
I always knew. I was always aware. His ever so vigilant eyes, his expectations, his acute disappointment. I always felt it. I never doubted his love but I wasn't always sure if he likes me. His is the person that has forever been larger than life for me. If I say, I actually worshipped the very ground that he walked on, it would not be an exaggeration. He is the epitome of perfection if ever there was one. His wisdom, his courage, his personality, his discipline, his style, his knowledge, his worldliness. I am not his only admirer. He is liked and revered by many.
But he was my sun, my life revolved around him and till this day I love no one more than I love him.
I have seen him in the true light of reality. I have seen him weak and I have seen him broken. But he always rose above it all. He has always proved that with courage and fortitude a person can restart after every failure and after each fall. I saw him do so time and time again. The perseverance is undeniable and so is his remarkable ability to bounce back. He taught me so much in life and about life. About friendship, about relationships. He gave me wings to fly, he gave me the freedom to fail, make mistakes and grow up.
But it had not always been perfect. Far from it. For the longest of times, I wanted to be seen and heard by him. Not just for what I did not have or I did not do, but for what I did have and I did do. But it seemed he saw no good. It was disappointing and it was evident. His words were the most hurtful and they hurt the most. I felt alone and I stopped caring. Perhaps, it was his way of making me realise what I should be and what I can become and do. But all it did was make the most difficult time of my life even harder and more lonely. So I stopped caring. I turned my back to his every knowing, ever disapproving eyes and became involved in the meaninglessness of my life. But I always knew. We started drifting apart and I thought it was all over. Not my love and admiration for him, but my quest to win over his liking and respect for myself.
He understood my pain and he was empathetic but he recognized by restlessness more than I did and the fighter in him would not believe that I was willing to give up and settle. Perhaps he wanted me to be an extension of him. I know I did. I still do.
When I set out on this new journey, my goals were clear. I wanted to escape the mindlessness of my then current life and his ever disappointed looks. Perhaps not the most idealistic of motivating factors, but I knew I could not stay with him anymore. It broke my heart and I don't think I can ever overcome the pain of leaving him behind. But leave him is what I did. He let me fly away with a heavy heart and tearful eyes. And I saw his love, his hope and his dreams for me in that one moment. I knew I was escaping nothing because I would always know.
And that is what drove me, to work hard, to get beyond just settling for the average. It pushed me to achieve my goals. To show him that I can fly as high as he expected me to.
I saw him several times in the last four and a half years. He always seemed pleased with the way things have turned out and ever so quietly our relationship changed shape again. He became a special friend, a confidant. I was too scared to hope but I actually felt his respect and love.
Few weeks ago, I received an email from him. As I scanned the lines, I had sort of an out of body experience. I re-read it a few times to make sure that the gist of the email truly sinks into my mind. He had opened his heart to me and I saw in those lines what I did seek for most of my life. His love, his respect and his pride in me. He needed no more proof and he is peaceful. And this is the new knowledge that I will hopefully live with for the rest of my life.
Papa, you remember when I was a wee bit of a girl, I would wait for you to come home every afternoon. And the moment you saw me you would lift me up and place me on your shoulders. I would double over with joy and reach up to touch the ceiling. I felt so tall and so strong so much so that if I had wanted I could have touched the sky and picked out all the stars. Do you remember how happy that made me? Well that's how tall and strong and happy that email of yours made me. Just like the girl on your shoulders, I became an extension of you.
But he was my sun, my life revolved around him and till this day I love no one more than I love him.
I have seen him in the true light of reality. I have seen him weak and I have seen him broken. But he always rose above it all. He has always proved that with courage and fortitude a person can restart after every failure and after each fall. I saw him do so time and time again. The perseverance is undeniable and so is his remarkable ability to bounce back. He taught me so much in life and about life. About friendship, about relationships. He gave me wings to fly, he gave me the freedom to fail, make mistakes and grow up.
But it had not always been perfect. Far from it. For the longest of times, I wanted to be seen and heard by him. Not just for what I did not have or I did not do, but for what I did have and I did do. But it seemed he saw no good. It was disappointing and it was evident. His words were the most hurtful and they hurt the most. I felt alone and I stopped caring. Perhaps, it was his way of making me realise what I should be and what I can become and do. But all it did was make the most difficult time of my life even harder and more lonely. So I stopped caring. I turned my back to his every knowing, ever disapproving eyes and became involved in the meaninglessness of my life. But I always knew. We started drifting apart and I thought it was all over. Not my love and admiration for him, but my quest to win over his liking and respect for myself.
He understood my pain and he was empathetic but he recognized by restlessness more than I did and the fighter in him would not believe that I was willing to give up and settle. Perhaps he wanted me to be an extension of him. I know I did. I still do.
When I set out on this new journey, my goals were clear. I wanted to escape the mindlessness of my then current life and his ever disappointed looks. Perhaps not the most idealistic of motivating factors, but I knew I could not stay with him anymore. It broke my heart and I don't think I can ever overcome the pain of leaving him behind. But leave him is what I did. He let me fly away with a heavy heart and tearful eyes. And I saw his love, his hope and his dreams for me in that one moment. I knew I was escaping nothing because I would always know.
And that is what drove me, to work hard, to get beyond just settling for the average. It pushed me to achieve my goals. To show him that I can fly as high as he expected me to.
I saw him several times in the last four and a half years. He always seemed pleased with the way things have turned out and ever so quietly our relationship changed shape again. He became a special friend, a confidant. I was too scared to hope but I actually felt his respect and love.
Few weeks ago, I received an email from him. As I scanned the lines, I had sort of an out of body experience. I re-read it a few times to make sure that the gist of the email truly sinks into my mind. He had opened his heart to me and I saw in those lines what I did seek for most of my life. His love, his respect and his pride in me. He needed no more proof and he is peaceful. And this is the new knowledge that I will hopefully live with for the rest of my life.
Papa, you remember when I was a wee bit of a girl, I would wait for you to come home every afternoon. And the moment you saw me you would lift me up and place me on your shoulders. I would double over with joy and reach up to touch the ceiling. I felt so tall and so strong so much so that if I had wanted I could have touched the sky and picked out all the stars. Do you remember how happy that made me? Well that's how tall and strong and happy that email of yours made me. Just like the girl on your shoulders, I became an extension of you.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Hello, 2009
I have discovered that the only place I can get myself to blog is at work. I never meant to take such a long hiatus from my blog, but no matter how hard I tried I could not get myself to cough up a decent post while on vacation. Not even to mark the new year. But this week I am back at work and the first thing I am doing after clearing my desk is write this post. But then it makes sense. It makes me feel like I am getting paid to work as a columnist. That thought in itself is so stimulating for my creative juices to start flowing.
So anyway I am back at work and more importantly in the land of non-stop rain. Its freezing, its raining and its depressing. Makes me want to whine. Too bad I wasn't blogging in sunny California, I would have blogged about nice, bright, sunny stuff, for a change. But here I am writing my first post of the new year and already I am complaining. OK maybe I will rein back and just focus on my vacation and talk about it and the new year.
So, aside from helping my sister move, getting huge doses of love from my darling asadee and spending QT (quality time) wid M, Guru ji and aapi, I did pretty much nothing. There is something about being with your loved ones. It is so warm and comforting and just so...right. You don't really need to do anything and its the most fun you will ever have.
Of course that's not always the case. If you are frustrated and unhappy in your life, you may be annoyed by the presence of the very same people. They start seeming too intrusive or too self-involved and less empathetic than ever or even too sympathetic.
I remember when I was jobless and stranded in Cali, I just had no patience with my people. I just could not get them to speak up or shut up, take notice or stop noticing, be sympathetic or stop smothering. Nothing they did was right and everything they did was annoying. I am not saying I was a total bitch or they were saints, but it was just better to be alone. When I landed in Seattle, I had heaved a sigh of relief to be away from everyone. I knew that feeling wouldn't last and it didn't. I missed them so much that I had flown back the next weekend.
So this vacation I did nothing other than be with my people. It was so relaxing and enjoyable and it was mainly due to the fairly calm state of my mind. I truly had no worries and no commitments and no where that I needed to be.
I also got in touch with some of my old people from another lifetime. That was sort of bittersweet, and brought on a wave of nostalgia and homesickness that has somewhat stayed with me. These days, I find myself looking at old pictures, calling my relatives and watching old Pakistani dramas and shows on you tube. I guess I am low on carbon-monoxide and desperately need a trip to the city of candle lights and mini buses. Two and a half years is a long time.
Coming back to my loved ones. It seems that I am always traveling in the opposite side of things than them. My boom is usually their slum and vice versa. So of course now that I am kind of doing OK, aapi, guru ji and M are not so much. That was a bit annoying to know that we are all not OK at once but Moi, my sweet lil sister from another mother, told me this:
Moi: That is tough, but there should be one sane person in all the madness.
Me: Ya or an insane one in all the normality (remembering the jobless bitch)
That was amusing and comforting. But of course, its now my turn to pay back. I am ready to be the rock in their world or at least the joker. If anything, I can make them smile.
Anyway, the vacation was a nice change of pace and I loved every minute of it, including the baby-sitting that ended in me passed out on a chair baby in arms and toddler on lap lol!! Also the horrible flu that I got from the baby, that still has me sounding like Rani mukerjee with a sore throat (yeah its that bad). Also, the horrible fight that M and I had. Also, painting the bedrooms in aapi's new house (I absolutely loved that). Also the packing and the movie drought. Also, the cooking that I was forced to do for a party (M is not so nice is she).
New Year started with me dancing at a party. That is my very first time. I have never entered a new year dancing lol. The New Year also saw me miss my One-time best friend's wedding :(. It also saw me fight with aapi, M and Guru all in one night lol. It also saw me end my vacation, leave my sweet sunny California and fly back to my rueful rainy Washington.
So now that I am done with this bulletin-like post, I wish my handful of readers a happy new year (i have wished most of you anyway). I hope this will bring you all a world of success and happiness and me a few more readers :)
So anyway I am back at work and more importantly in the land of non-stop rain. Its freezing, its raining and its depressing. Makes me want to whine. Too bad I wasn't blogging in sunny California, I would have blogged about nice, bright, sunny stuff, for a change. But here I am writing my first post of the new year and already I am complaining. OK maybe I will rein back and just focus on my vacation and talk about it and the new year.
So, aside from helping my sister move, getting huge doses of love from my darling asadee and spending QT (quality time) wid M, Guru ji and aapi, I did pretty much nothing. There is something about being with your loved ones. It is so warm and comforting and just so...right. You don't really need to do anything and its the most fun you will ever have.
Of course that's not always the case. If you are frustrated and unhappy in your life, you may be annoyed by the presence of the very same people. They start seeming too intrusive or too self-involved and less empathetic than ever or even too sympathetic.
I remember when I was jobless and stranded in Cali, I just had no patience with my people. I just could not get them to speak up or shut up, take notice or stop noticing, be sympathetic or stop smothering. Nothing they did was right and everything they did was annoying. I am not saying I was a total bitch or they were saints, but it was just better to be alone. When I landed in Seattle, I had heaved a sigh of relief to be away from everyone. I knew that feeling wouldn't last and it didn't. I missed them so much that I had flown back the next weekend.
So this vacation I did nothing other than be with my people. It was so relaxing and enjoyable and it was mainly due to the fairly calm state of my mind. I truly had no worries and no commitments and no where that I needed to be.
I also got in touch with some of my old people from another lifetime. That was sort of bittersweet, and brought on a wave of nostalgia and homesickness that has somewhat stayed with me. These days, I find myself looking at old pictures, calling my relatives and watching old Pakistani dramas and shows on you tube. I guess I am low on carbon-monoxide and desperately need a trip to the city of candle lights and mini buses. Two and a half years is a long time.
Coming back to my loved ones. It seems that I am always traveling in the opposite side of things than them. My boom is usually their slum and vice versa. So of course now that I am kind of doing OK, aapi, guru ji and M are not so much. That was a bit annoying to know that we are all not OK at once but Moi, my sweet lil sister from another mother, told me this:
Moi: That is tough, but there should be one sane person in all the madness.
Me: Ya or an insane one in all the normality (remembering the jobless bitch)
That was amusing and comforting. But of course, its now my turn to pay back. I am ready to be the rock in their world or at least the joker. If anything, I can make them smile.
Anyway, the vacation was a nice change of pace and I loved every minute of it, including the baby-sitting that ended in me passed out on a chair baby in arms and toddler on lap lol!! Also the horrible flu that I got from the baby, that still has me sounding like Rani mukerjee with a sore throat (yeah its that bad). Also, the horrible fight that M and I had. Also, painting the bedrooms in aapi's new house (I absolutely loved that). Also the packing and the movie drought. Also, the cooking that I was forced to do for a party (M is not so nice is she).
New Year started with me dancing at a party. That is my very first time. I have never entered a new year dancing lol. The New Year also saw me miss my One-time best friend's wedding :(. It also saw me fight with aapi, M and Guru all in one night lol. It also saw me end my vacation, leave my sweet sunny California and fly back to my rueful rainy Washington.
So now that I am done with this bulletin-like post, I wish my handful of readers a happy new year (i have wished most of you anyway). I hope this will bring you all a world of success and happiness and me a few more readers :)
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