The shinning star on my Dark night sky

I often mention Guruji on my blog but have never ventured into talking too much about him. For someone who has really influenced me in so many aspects of my life, I have never dared write a post about him. Why? Well because Guruji doesn't like to be talked about. He is very private and likes to keep his life, his work and anything to do with him, under the wraps. He has so much to offer other than just the minute details of his life, that he manages to keep your focus away from him. He is smart, perceptive, funny, caring and just so easy to be with. He has single-handedly made my life (and even M's) so much simpler (if we have a problem, we just go to him and he has a ready-made solution :)). He is like no one I have met or know. he is simply amazing and somewhat annoying at times, with his almost perfect approach to anything and everything.

Today I decided to write about him because I wanted to do something or say something without being in his way. I know when he feels better he will read this and so I want him to know how proud I am of him, for everything he does, for all that he has done, for being who he is. I have seen him always be there for people he loves, he cares about, with a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, his calm sage advice and his perceptive outlook on life. I have also seen him be honest and open about his opinions and his beliefs and I have also seen him put them into practice and stand by them, which to me is truly inspirational. I know we have had our differences - I have been unreasonable and trying and he has been harsh and annoying, and I know I don't agree with anything he says from the get go - I am defensive and he in my opinion can be opinionated :), but I have always considered myself extremely lucky to have him on my side, because there is no one else I would rather have, since he not only helps me in trying situations but also keep me in the light of reality at all times (I so hate that Guruji, but I need it).
I know he hurts today, more than he has ever hurt before, and it is really hard for me to be so far away and just watch helplessly as he goes through this pain, all closed up, never reaching out, because that's how he likes to deal with things.
Guruji, I have no idea what you actually feel, but I have some inkling because this after all is the manifestation of my own worst nightmare, something the inevitability of which haunts me all the time. Also, knowing you, knowing your hopes and desires, I know how harsh this must be for you. I know we all at some point or the other go through this pain and perhaps there is no avoiding it and so I am sorry, for you pain and for your loss. I pray that God gives you the courage to walk past this with as much dignity and strength as you can. I have seen you overcome all other adversities that you face in your life, but I am pretty sure that this is the mightiest of them all, so please know that you are not alone in this. All the people that have become a part of your life, those who love you and those who you have always stood by are there with you, with there support and prayers, least of all me :).
I know Guruji that his was a simple, sweet and gentle soul and I pray that it always rests in peace. Take care

Free Spirit stands for other Other Free Spirits

Tillikum the 22 feet/12,000 lb killer whale killed his trainer at a Sea World show in Orlando. It was the breaking news all day yesterday. People expressed shock and surprise, sadness and anger with as much drama as any average American produces when placed in front of a camera. (Yaaa and we are the emotional ones). News reporters uncovered the "checkered" past of the male Orca which has sired 17 calves over his long career with the Sea world, while the camera showed the clips of the 'beast' in an isolated tank as if he is some criminal awaiting his sentencing.

Now of course it is sad that the trainer lost her life and it is awful that so many people actually witnessed the horrible incident, but I don't understand why the poor Whale is being labeled as some crazy, murderous monster. And I also don't understand the shock that something like this has happened. He is a FISH and that too a Killer whale, a magnificent mammal who has lived most of his life in captivity. He was born in the wild and I bet it is quite an adjustment from swimming in the Icelandic Atlantic Coast to being held in a tank which is probably the size of a bath tub for him. These animals are smart and wonderful creatures and don't get me wrong when I saw them at Sea World it was so amazing but, why are they paying such a high price to provide entertainment for us crazy, self indulgent human beings? And then when they lash out or react, we are shocked and surprised? Perhaps Tilli was just playing and didn't realise how fragile humans are since none of the trainers ever got in the tank with him. Apparently his violent history has caused the authorities to put a special set of procedures for his training. He is not used in waterworks and trainers believe he doesnt know his own strength I'm pretty sure he was not hungry, since the tiny woman was nothing but a lamb chop for Tilli.

I was reading about the incident and read the statement of the Seaworld spokesperson and according to him Tilli was having a great time and he is a great animal and that even though they are not sure how they will proceed with the animal after this incident, they are not going to "put him down". What??? Why would he be put down any way. You drag the poor animal out of the wild, make him do silly tricks every day for the next 20 odd years of his life, keep him in captivity, using him as a mating device (I'm not sure if he disliked that), keeping him isolated from the rest of the whales because of his size and then when he reacts based on whatever natural instinct that he acting on, you put him down? You bet your ass he wont be put down.

According to a marine biologist killer whales in the wild live in family groups, and males stay with their mothers their entire lives. Family members rely on each other for social structure and play, and they cover hundreds of miles of ocean, She also said they do need more space, and situations like that do cause a lot of stress for them, most likely.She said Tillikum had a "flopped fin, something seen in captivity but not much in the wild. How sad is that.

Interestingly, Tillkum is close to one other Whale Taima, who is kind of an outcast herself, having attacked two of her own calves she was put on birth control and separated from other animals except Tillkum. Their child Sumer is the star of the Shamu show in San diego. Wow sounds like a movie, outcast mom and dad and child abused but goes on to become a superstar LOL

Anyway Sea world contends that the animals are useful for research and perhaps for us to get a chance to observe them and what not, but based on what I have read, whales in captivity are not as good of subjects as the ones in the wild. Neither are any of the other animals. But it sure is hell of a way to make billions of dollars.

I think Tillikum should be set free. He is obviously wanting out. God he just reminds me of finding Nemo, only a less PG 13 version of it of course. How awful? He is old enough to retire anyway. They should retire all whales over the age of 15 and release them into the wild just like Keiko - the free willy whale.

I have a free spirit, I love to be outside and have no holds on me. I feel alive. I hate sitting in my office everyday, doing 'work' that does not excite me and frustrates me, but I have to otherwise I will be 'put down'. Given an opportunity I will also grab some of my coworkers from the pony tail and thrash them around a bit. And if it proves fatal, well can you blame me for it :)

FREE TILLIKUM

I believe I can fly

Lately I have been thinking about this whole ABCD thing. No I have not developed a problem with the English Language alphabets, I am talking about the term ABCD. To those who don't know and who are coincidentally the people living under a rock, ABCD stands for American Born Confused Desis. To those who don't know and who are coincidentally the people living under a rock, people from the Indo-Pak Sub-continent refer to themselves as Desis meaning a person from their country as opposed to a Pardesi which means a foreigner. Now the ABCDs are the second or third or even fourth generation Desis born to American immigrants of Indian or Pakistani descent. The name, undoubtedly given to them by a Non-Resident Desi, is in no way meant to be derogatory term, contrary to what many ABCD may have you believing. They are called that because many believe them to be lost and confused about their true identity, culture and heritage. They are caught in the middle of two contradictory ways of life and sets of morals and values, one being that of their own country, followed by their American friends and the other forced on them by their parents and family, which results in utter confusion, usually further heightened by frequent trips to their ancestral homeland.
In retaliation the ABCDs call us lowly international students and newly migrated members of the American work force as 'FOBs' which of course is not a new term and has always been used to describe the new immigrants as "Fresh off the Boat". Derogatory? Maybe, but that is not the focus of my recent musings.
Is the term ABCD still relevant? Can the naturalized Asian Indian/Indian American/East Indian American citizens still be considered confused? After being a part of this society for almost a century are they still looking for a sense of belonging? Are they still suffering from an identity crisis? Slowly and steadily they have become fully integrated and incorporated into the various sectors of this society. They are the IT gurus, successful CEOs, politicians, presidential advisers, Scientific geniuses and entertainers. And since the stereotype of a Desi has changed from a Motel/gas station/liquor store owner to that of an Engineering/mathematical/software genius, the ethnic group has risen in stature, its culture being hailed and accepted, and it is getting incorporated into the various aspects of the society. With this change, I believe, the ABCDs are becoming less insecure and developing a more confident sense of belonging and an association with this country. So I guess they are not as much of ABCDs as they once used to be.
But whenever I look at people around me, people I know, co-workers, friends, friends of friends, people from my generation and the generation after, I realise that in actuality it is we who are really confused. Who are we? We are the post-Internet globalized 21st century Desis, who are still desi enough to consider arranged marriages, but are Americanized enough to have the sense of space and personal freedom and satisfaction. We have all fallen victims to our parents' guilt trips and harsh parenting skills, which ensured that we remain under-confident, lacking of a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem and feeling that if we ever think of ourselves we are extremely selfish and there is no one worse than us. We still live under a gigantic cloud of parental, societal, religious and personal expectations, mostly unrealistic. We mostly find ourselves in the fields of engineering, medicine and IT and we also mostly find ourselves hating it and being miserable. What made it worse is that we got exposed to the other side of the world, to the things that could have been and can be, things that should have been and should be. We are not necessarily rebellious, but we are dying with the contradictions swimming around in our heads, contradictions between what we want to do and what we have to and should do, between what we have been told is right and what we KNOW is right. We have come to realise the societal and religious hypocrisies that is a part and parcel of the two Desi societies and we hate that we have to participate in these ideas and worse that we have to make them our own. And no matter how old we get or how self-aware we become , or how independent we may be, we are still rooted in the cultural and moral values and societal and parental expectations, even though we don't believe in many of them.
I (and I know for a fact that I am not alone), found myself to be misfit from the day I was born. I never felt like I belonged, anywhere. I didn't agree with many things around me. I did believe in the values that were given to me, but I didn't understand why people lived their lives in complete contrast to those values. I didn't agree with being like everyone else, behaving like everyone else. I didn't want to study what everyone expected me to study, I didn't agree with how people treated other people. I hated the class difference, the double standards, the way people treated and considered love. I thought I was a freak, a view shared by many, many and I may add another many, people. I tried so hard to fit in, didn't work. I tried so hard not to fit in, well that of course didn't work. Anyway life happened, years passed and I landed in the US of A. I thought I was free. I could finally learn who I was, be who I am and discover what I wanted in life, you know all that Oprahish stuff.
But guess what? When I came here, I brought an excess baggage that I had no idea about but have to pay a very high price for. The Gigantic cloud of expectations, the societal prejudices and the last but not the least guilt! Sounds familiar?
I and other Desis like me are living with this baggage. Day in and day out, we struggle to break free of it and finally be who we want to be and do what we want to do, but the guilt holds us back, we have become our own society, our own parents our own annoying bu'aas and Phoopos with their judgmental and disapproving looks and irritating Haa haeyyys. Contradiction. Our lives turned around, we are still confused and still struggling. And hence the new term ACDs - Americanised confused desis :)
To the people who read this, who I know are just as ACD as I am, and to myself I say...let go. Let go of who you think your parents want you to be, let go of who the society expects you to be with, let go of what you have been told marriage should be like, let go of the societal criteria of success, of a good spouse, a good man, a good woman, a good child and a good life. Let go, be free, live and let live, and be true to who you are. Distinguish between what about our values and culture is good and fair and what is a truck full load of crap. Our culture gives us more good than bad, we just have to dig deeper.

Guess Who? Boo

One of the girls I shared the corporate housing in the Bay Area with told me how deathly afraid of the dark she is and how it scares her to be alone in the house specially at night and is unable to sleep by herself..I mean by herself in the house..not in the bed...or perhaps...hmmm...I am not sure. Anyway, so she wanted to know if I will be there every night so she can start sleeping in her own bed and not go to her friend's apartment. Instead of answering her query, which I found annoying (what am I your babysitter??), I asked her what exactly was she afraid of since we live in a secure gated complex, and we are poor, and don't exactly have sexy hot looks to entice the minds of serial rapists; although I am not sure what entices the minds of serial rapists, but nonetheless I didn't see anyone getting so desperate and breaking into the apartment and stealing the girl off of her *cough cough* youthful innocence, if you know what I mean. Also, I don't believe there is as yet an East Indian Chapter of the Klu Klux Klan operative in the Bay Area, who raid houses at midnight for some brown assed lynching. Perhaps because some East Indian are of Aryan descent or maybe because they are yet to notice the almost hostile take over of the region by the ethnic group, but that's not the point. I just wanted to know in the absence of these logical reasons for being fearful, why was the gal still so paranoid and paralyzed with fear (yes I exaggerate, but you should know that by now, that's just what I do).

In response to my questions she looked at me as if I was some creature who had just stepped out of a flying saucer and had greeted her with a "Hola Amiga" and then she said that there were other paranormal creatures out there (I distinctly felt a 'like you' in between those lines) who get attracted to empty dark houses, specially the ones inhabited by lonely young girls, whom they then start haunting. I blinked several times to see if there were any signs of her bursting out laughing and saying 'Just Kidding!'. But nope, nothing. Zilch, Nada. Not even half a smile. Ooookaayyy. Now it was my turn to give her one of my oh-you-are-one-of-those looks.

Suddenly I was even more annoyed than before when I had felt I was her babysitter. I am sorry but what a bunch of bull-shit. Listen girlie you are not really a damsel and distress, you are no longer 7 and it definitely is not cute that you still believe in the monsters under your bed. Give me a break. You decided you want to be a grown up and have a career and become a traveling nomadic consultant and then you expect to be with people 24/7. What is wrong with you? Attention whore much, are you huh?

Am I totally over-reacting? Am I being too harsh? Of course I am! All my life I have come across girls afraid of the ghosts and monsters and sleepwalking zombies and what not, but isn't there an age limit to that? Don't you eventually figure out that you can go to the bathroom without your bolder cousin standing guard at the door? Or that your cousin brother is still your brother even with his eyelids rolled inside out? And that if you are afraid of the dark you just keep a night light on? Helloooo? It annoyed me even when I was 7, even though my Nani Ma would tell me all sorts of ghost stories but I never felt haunted. Maybe because I always slept alone or maybe because I am an Army brat, or perhaps I was wise beyond my years. Hehehehe, okay the last one had me cracking, but that's just how it is. I get very very annoyed when a grown woman says oh I am so afraid of ghosts and monsters and chain-saw wielding zombies instead of saying oh I am so afraid of getting robbed and raped in broad daylight.

Yes of course its okay to be scared. When did I say it is not? Be afraid, be very afraid, but be afraid of things tangible and real not something which is an extension of your active imagination and disturbed childhood. Heck I am afraid of loads of things. In fact I am a regular chicken when it comes to things beyond my control like roller coasters and crazy rottweilers or just regular sickness and disability. For all i care, you can scream like a banshee when you see a lizard or a rat because you have to admit they are just gross but not a cockroach, that's where I draw a line, they are really harmless and you can kill one just by stepping on it, so not a roach but a rodent, yes...scream to your heart's content. But don't be all oh I saw the balcony door move by itself. Yes it moved, it is a balcony door and it is very windy. Please, logicalize your fears. And don't even get me started on the horror movies. If they scare you, don't watch them.

Anyway, I told the jumpy girl that I am never home at night since I mostly stay at my sister's, which pretty much guaranteed that I have the entire apartment to myself the rest of my stay. Well most of it anyway but then I had another roomie, who is not really afraid of anything at all.

Just a thought. Based on my track record, now that I have vented and ranted about all this, I am pretty sure Paranormal will suddenly become normal in my life and I will be spotted by some zombie or the other who will mark me as its soul reason of existence or whatever the hell they mark people for. Oh man, I had to open my stupid big mouth.

The Mother of all Comebacks

And I am Back!!!

So after a sabbatical of over 3 months, I am back at work in Sunny San Diego, CA. Quite a contrast from the gray skies of Seattle. From one end of the western coast to the other. Am I excited? Well, considering how wonderful San Diego is and how much I wanted to stay in California and how little choice I had in the matter, I think its safe to say...Hell Yeah!!!!!

Work is how it usually is during the 1st week, slow and extremely sleep inducing. Lot of administrative mambo jumbo, which I hate. The office lacks a cafeteria, but the private office with a door and four walls more than makes up for it. You read it right a DOOR and WALLS. Not a cubicle, an actual office. Of course when I stretch I can almost touch the walls, but its an office nonetheless. Besides we have to keep in mind that I am a fairly tall person with fairly long arms, so the size of the office becomes completely relative. My manager is a seemingly nice lady with an extremely pronounced valley-girl accent, but I am somewhat wary of her, mostly because I have never actually had a female manager before and from what I have heard and observed, they can be quite the bitches. They way she talks is funny, reminds me of this SNL character that Kristen Wiig plays, Penelope.

Anyway the good thing is I am back at work, which is always hard but welcome after such a long break. Especially a long and stressful break. It's like your brain had been frozen yet somehow became covered with mold while living in a 2000 year old mummy coffin and then suddenly it needs to be used again and it actually requires the force of your entire being to kick-start it without being discovered passed out at your desk by your new Boss and coworkers. What a dilemma, yet somehow I am able to type this with my eyes closed.

Not a lot happened while I was away, other than the coming true of the worst fears and nightmares of most educated, conscientious Pakistanis. Destruction has finally come knocking at our doors, heck what am I saying, its not knocking at our doors, it has actually blasted past the doors and is already playing havoc with the lives and minds of the entire nation right in the middle of our living room. Its mind-numbing what is happening, and that's exactly how I feel...numb. And that's precisely how I need to feel to operate as a normal human being, but it is hard, especially when every day there is some news story about a new devastating incident comes circulating towards me, mainly through my Aapi. I just pray to God that some miracle spares the lives and homes of many many innocent, faithful and harmless people, who don't even know the first thing about terrorism or why it has made itself so comfortable in our home. They are not wayward, the are not Americans, they are not evil non-believers. True they have lived a submissive life, they have been puppets in the hands of a few feudal landlords, corrupt politicians and judiciary, they haven't held themselves accountable morally, legally or socially for a lot of problems that the country faces. True they didn't educate themselves, or instigated a revolution against the few corrupt elites, true they didn't fight hard enough to reform the country's political or social setup. True they got frustrated but never took action against the people actually responsible for their suffering and instead turned to abusing the weakest amongst them. But does this make them bad? Does this make them evil? Is it okay that they suffer for the actions of the so-called kings of this world? Who is doing what and how are they justifying it to their consciences, it is just beyond the mental and moral understanding of this blogger. All I know is that it never is how it appears to be.

This was enough of the real world for me and now I will escape to my American wonderland, that my superficial life has become. Of course, these days even to enter an amusement park you have to pay a very very high and heavy price, so it ain't no picnic on this side of the spectrum either. To dream is not to escape anymore, which I guess is the part and parcel of growing up or should I say growing older. Older and wiser. I read somewhere that as women grow older they feel more and more self-empowered yet at the same time, more and more insecure. How true is that? As we grow older we get a lot of understanding of who we are and what we need and what we can or cannot control in this world. Yet at the same time, since so much importance is put into a woman's looks and age that it makes us feel very very vulnerable and unsafe. It took centuries for us to become this brainwashed into thinking that because we are older we have something to be ashamed of. We are made fun of, skin-care products and plastic surgery is made to be our best buds, while younger women are pit against us as our arch Nemesis. We constantly compete with one another, until we get more wrinkled and stressed out and then our biologies turn against us and we are forever doomed to an existence plagued by incessant mood swings and intermittent states of extreme hot or cold. And men...they just loose their hair and some not even that. Life...so fair and wonderful...NOT.

Hmmm, where was I? Oh yeah San Diego! Its 73 degrees outside...awesome sunshine...perfect perfect day...and it is my lunch hour so what am I doing still typing? I shall go now but I shall write more frequently, now that I am back at work ;) See ya...Oh and a very happy new year to everyone.

Here is to a new chapter of my life...to La Jolla...cheers

Still Alive..

I could not make myself write...anything :(

I wanted to

I really did....

so much to say

so many thoughts to decode

so much to vent out about

so many things to bitch about

But.........

I could not even form a proper sentence

even what i am writing now is being typed with a lot of effort and with ample usage of the back space key.

Yes i hated being unemployed

Yes I was preoccupied

Yes I was a bit down in the dumps.

And yes, even though it was great to be in the Bay Area, but it does take a toll on me.



But now its finally over. And I will hopefully get back in my routine. Three long months and now I am once again with a Project. My brain will finally start functioning at its original pace. My blog will see new posts. My bank will see some incoming activity. And I will return to the gym. Fingers crossed



And the best thing...I stay in Cali. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy



MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!



Talk to you soon my non-existent readers with a more detailed post (I am not sure if the previous 2 are still around)

Farwell Seattle...Hello Chapter New

So its been busy..of course it has been busy...moving out of my place, ending my project, short trip to Boston, last couple of days in the sweet city of Seattle, one long drive down the pacific coast to come back t0 my beloved Bay area, spending time (read shopping with) my parents who fly back tomorrow and of course the renewed job hunt...yes it has been crazy busy.

So do I miss Seattle? Of course I do miss it. I still can’t believe I left it all behind, the home, the friends, the work, the lakes, and the trainer. The little constant that I had found in my ever volatile life! When I finally started to feel at home, I had to pack up my bags and leave. But that’s life. At least that’s my life. One long never-ending adventure! Not so bad. I am ready for the new phase of it. So, thank you Seattle, for the rainy days and the sunny afternoons, the lull in my storm, the friends, the beautiful landscapes, the nice hikes, the renewed peace of my heart and my mind. I will never forget the kindness that you showed me, for which you will always hold a special place in my heart. I will of course be back to contest my sole speeding ticket. Until then, adieu!!

So now I wait, for the next piece of happening that will reach my part of the world, wherever that may be. I have started the search and so far things look...i don’t know..not hopeless at least...let’s see. I insist on staying in my California, which unfortunately is experiencing the worst economic crisis since its existence as a part of these united states, or so it appears. But I cross my fingers and keep hooked to my laptop screen, my ear attached to the cell phone, listening to the voice of any and every recruiter promising me a piece of the west coast action. Let this be my time dear God, to be part of the San Franciscan Work force. I have waited patiently for 3 years, separated from friends and family, almost living aboard a Southwest 737, making the corporation of Public Storage very very rich, can I now have my chance to stay?? Dramatic...yes!! Neurotic...borderline!! Desperate...you got it!!

But one way or the other...I won’t complain, as long as I get employed sooooooooooon and as long as I stay couple of hours long flight away from here. Unemployment does not bode well with me. I get bored, broke, shopaholic (an after-effect of the former), lazy, cranky, moody, grouchy, and extremely hard to deal with, even for me. So, bottom line is...get employed. Cali will always be here for me. No matter how far away I move, I will always come back to my home away from home.

So my readers, if there are any at all, pray for my rapid restoration to employment. And also, pray that the distance between the nearest mall and me remains as lengthy as possible, and that I remain sane, happy, healthy and less volatile...just for the sake of the sanity of people around me...if there are any left. Good night, good luck and good bye.