To be an extension of you

I always knew. I was always aware. His ever so vigilant eyes, his expectations, his acute disappointment. I always felt it. I never doubted his love but I wasn't always sure if he likes me. His is the person that has forever been larger than life for me. If I say, I actually worshipped the very ground that he walked on, it would not be an exaggeration. He is the epitome of perfection if ever there was one. His wisdom, his courage, his personality, his discipline, his style, his knowledge, his worldliness. I am not his only admirer. He is liked and revered by many.
But he was my sun, my life revolved around him and till this day I love no one more than I love him.
I have seen him in the true light of reality. I have seen him weak and I have seen him broken. But he always rose above it all. He has always proved that with courage and fortitude a person can restart after every failure and after each fall. I saw him do so time and time again. The perseverance is undeniable and so is his remarkable ability to bounce back. He taught me so much in life and about life. About friendship, about relationships. He gave me wings to fly, he gave me the freedom to fail, make mistakes and grow up.
But it had not always been perfect. Far from it. For the longest of times, I wanted to be seen and heard by him. Not just for what I did not have or I did not do, but for what I did have and I did do. But it seemed he saw no good. It was disappointing and it was evident. His words were the most hurtful and they hurt the most. I felt alone and I stopped caring. Perhaps, it was his way of making me realise what I should be and what I can become and do. But all it did was make the most difficult time of my life even harder and more lonely. So I stopped caring. I turned my back to his every knowing, ever disapproving eyes and became involved in the meaninglessness of my life. But I always knew. We started drifting apart and I thought it was all over. Not my love and admiration for him, but my quest to win over his liking and respect for myself.
He understood my pain and he was empathetic but he recognized by restlessness more than I did and the fighter in him would not believe that I was willing to give up and settle. Perhaps he wanted me to be an extension of him. I know I did. I still do.
When I set out on this new journey, my goals were clear. I wanted to escape the mindlessness of my then current life and his ever disappointed looks. Perhaps not the most idealistic of motivating factors, but I knew I could not stay with him anymore. It broke my heart and I don't think I can ever overcome the pain of leaving him behind. But leave him is what I did. He let me fly away with a heavy heart and tearful eyes. And I saw his love, his hope and his dreams for me in that one moment. I knew I was escaping nothing because I would always know.
And that is what drove me, to work hard, to get beyond just settling for the average. It pushed me to achieve my goals. To show him that I can fly as high as he expected me to.
I saw him several times in the last four and a half years. He always seemed pleased with the way things have turned out and ever so quietly our relationship changed shape again. He became a special friend, a confidant. I was too scared to hope but I actually felt his respect and love.
Few weeks ago, I received an email from him. As I scanned the lines, I had sort of an out of body experience. I re-read it a few times to make sure that the gist of the email truly sinks into my mind. He had opened his heart to me and I saw in those lines what I did seek for most of my life. His love, his respect and his pride in me. He needed no more proof and he is peaceful. And this is the new knowledge that I will hopefully live with for the rest of my life.
Papa, you remember when I was a wee bit of a girl, I would wait for you to come home every afternoon. And the moment you saw me you would lift me up and place me on your shoulders. I would double over with joy and reach up to touch the ceiling. I felt so tall and so strong so much so that if I had wanted I could have touched the sky and picked out all the stars. Do you remember how happy that made me? Well that's how tall and strong and happy that email of yours made me. Just like the girl on your shoulders, I became an extension of you.