Another Home...another potential move

So, currently I am in an odd living situation. I mean I like the place but then I don't really like the place. Its cheap and its convenient (a 5 mins commute in Los Angeles, literally...what more can one ask for), fairly centrally located, almost next door to the LAX and we all know that a Southwest 737 is my second home, but its messy, really messy and it stinks (It literally stinks), and it has spiders who make me all itchy, and my face was eaten by some crazy ass American mosquitoes last night who apparently don't know that u don't bite a human face...I look like a person with chicken pox), AND it comes with the Pitt bull. The house is old from the fifties and so of course it has plumbing issues. Things are falling apart in there, including...my roommate.
I know I know anyone reading this would ask then why the hell are you still living there, and it is a fair question, but finding housing in LA, not as easy as you would think. Unless off course you are willing to spend half your income. And btw craigslist, please do something about the shitload of scams on your site, I am SICK of it. Oh well, back to the apartment hunting..this was supposed to be temporary anyway....Sighhh
I just realised I sigh an awful lot on this blog...I even have post with a sigh in a title

A New Chapter

I have a problem, a huge one at that. I can only write when I am sad, depressed or bored, in other words when I am at work. So although this blog is not dead, the general lack of activity in the recent months might give that impression, which is owed to my generally volatile work situation. I seriously have missed blogging, coming up with some tongue in the cheek funny and smart post (like this blog is full of them heheh), always looking for something blog-worthy, thinking about issues and finding out how you truly feel about them, the flowing of the creative juices, which makes you feel that your dream of becoming a writer might actually come true one day. Sighhh!! I just might have to hold down a job for a significant period of time just so I can breathe in some new life into this blog, which is now almost near its extinction.
So what have I been up to and what changes have transpired in my life? Well on the surface not a whole lot has changed but then some. After a not so pleasant San Diegan expedition I made the seven hour trip back North, my virtual walk of shame :). Even though it sucked, deep down I was so relieved to be out of that shithole. But as I drove I was feeling the usual anxiety that I feel when I am headed to serve the unemployment sentence of indefinite time on bench and I geared up to bear my certain dive into depression. But upon my arrival in the Bay Area, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I had overnight turned into my old 20 something carefree self again and have acquired the same old devil may care, I-might-die-tomorrow-so-let’s- party-today attitude. And I had the best time ever. Now I didn’t exactly go bar hopping every night or starred in the Girls gone wild video and such, but I did enjoy my time off, waking up late with my three cute boyfriends around me, hanging out with my favorite girls, working out, watching movies, going through the 6 seasons of ‘How I met your mother’ and just good old chilling. With the stress free environment that I created for myself (by not stressing outJ) things worked out better than ever and I got back on project in the good old City of Angels in a matter of a month. That in my wonderful world of contracting is a perfect strike. No amount of crying, whining and stressing had accomplished this in my last three visits to the dreaded bench. Took me forever and made me unbearable for the people around me (or should I say person…you know who you are: P).
So as I drove back down south on the droning I-5, I pondered over what had transpired within the sub-conscious realms of my brain that had resulted in this revived optimistic outlook on life. And the answer is…I am not sure. It may have been just that I had reached the lowest point I can allow my spirits to reach or perhaps I was acting against my nature these past 3 and a half years and my mind just had had about enough. Or maybe I had finally figured out that the negativity that I create around myself only attracts negative energy. Or possibly I decided to finally just let it go and recognize this whole process for what it really is…a means to earn a living, and not allow it to define every other aspect of my life; like all other phases of life this too shall cease to exist.
We all have our fears, the more we fight them, the bigger they get and the more we obsess over them the larger a part of reality they become. We can never be in total control and charge of our lives, but we can control our minds, in fact that is the only thing we can ever fully conquer. Happiness, contentment and peace all come from within and can be attained if we can take control of our minds. Only then we can rationalize our ever looming demons and fears, let go of our past negatives and fill ourselves with the positivity that will built the faith that the forces of nature, the universe or God whichever we believe in will take care of our tomorrows and that will allow us to fully appreciate and live out our todays. It’s a theory, but it’s a one that can truly change our lives. I have already started the implementation :)

If I can just sigh

So the haul at San Diego was expected to be long but it has been abruptly cut short thanks to the company's ridiculously crazy structure and expectations and my sudden absence of comprehension of anything and everything related to this company and lack of motivation to even try beyond a point. All five months I have felt I have been running against a wall, trying to move it and get to the other side while the people who are supposed to help me just sit, watch and judge, not telling me anything - conceited bastards. After working 60 hours every week for three weeks they come up with things like the document does not have enough details and when I ask what more would you like to see, they say things like go in the system learn and figure out and by the time I do so my manager tells me I am taking a long time. And maybe I did, I don't know. I just feel low, I feel I failed and I don't like it. I have mentioned I hate not getting things and they are not giving me the chance. Sighhh!! Oh and the funny part is the feedback never came directly, it always came from my manager. And then I call and setup meetings and they just don't show up, no phone call, no email nothing. I am just speechless. The QA lead on my project had said long before I started experiencing all this that the technical managers are very stingy with information and act extremely self- entitled and so new people have a horrific time working with them so good luck. Now I know what he meant. I have never felt this lost at my work place, never, not even when I was teaching Shakespeare to my seventh graders or I was using a fax machine for the first time or when I was a cashier at burger king throughout my first Ramadan in the US. Sighhh My manager said I am a great person and no doubt a great analyst but somehow my skill set and the way the company works just don't match, and she wished she could keep me, and that its mostly them and not me. Oh my God, that's like my first break up all over again. Its not you, its me shit. Right!!! I just realised this is the first time I am leaving a project midway or rather being asked to leave midway...I hate it hate it hate it hate ittttt. UGHHHHHH
I am a contractor/temp/consultant/contingent labor so it is expected that I will not be staying at a company forever and sooner or later the project ends and so does my time at the company, but I will never get used to hearing "I have some not so good news, we will not be renewing your contract." I didn't like it when it happened after 6 months, didn't like it when it happened after 15 months and sure as hell didn't like it this time. Pooja thinks they do like me which is why they gave me a month's notice so I can look for a new project, otherwise contractors get just a day's notice. Been there!!
So in a month's time I will be off to another adventure...wherever life takes me next, I will be ready, reluctant but ready....as always.
Time for another SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh for the ever panicking readers of my blog (as if I have tons LOL), the ones who have no idea what I do for a living, I still have a job, just no project and eventually no income till I find another project, so worry not :)

Hotel California

The place is devoid of a lot of things but beauty is not one of them. The people may not be as pure as one desires them to be but the clear blue skies and the almost lyrical expansive layers of the majestic ocean more than make up for it.

You can sit at the highest point of the Torrey Pines and observe the setting sun sink deeper and deeper into the colossal depths of the ocean like a giant ball of fire, creating hues of amethyst and amber all across the overshadowing sky, casting the last of its golden-red rays across the swelling water that extinguishes the sun's burning existence, bringing the day to an end. As you sit and witness this extraordinary sight, you feel spiritually alleviated, a force bigger than everything else taking root in the very core of your being and all else in comparison just melting away, all the worries, the problems, the real-world induced pain and heartache seemingly eased. Pre-existing faith anew, you close your eyes and breath in the essence of this natural delight and you experience a change in you as if you suddenly control your life, your fate. Holding on to that feeling, that sense of pure and absolutely alive existence you are more rested, more yourself than you are in your entire day living your life, being with people, doing your work.
This to me is the spirit of this place I now call home.

La Jolla at Sunset - without touchups :)

Random...very random

I have a problem...

1. with people who like to sit at the light even when it has turned green. I mean Helloo??? Move your stupid ASS!!!
2. with people who think its okay to bring bag full of food to a movie theatre and then chomp loudly throughout the movie...in my ear.
3. with people who eat loudly, period. You guys are adults, haven't you figured it out yet...CLOSE your mouth when you eat...humans not dogs remember??
4. with people at abc only airing a new episode of greys anatomy once a month.
5. with people who take an enormous amount of time at the checkout counters
6. with sales clerks at the checkout counter who think it appropriate to have loooooong conversations with EVERY SINGLE customer...are you kidding me?
7. with people at customer service who cannot speak English and who cannot understand you or make you understand anything...Note to walmart: time to upgrade your workforce phuaaaaleeese No Habla espaniol or Mandarin or Vietnamese for that matter.
8. with people who fwd chain emails..you know the ones with some religious, medical or moral connotation and that prophesize the doom of your existence and good fortune in the instance that you do not fwd the email to 5/6/7/8/6 or 20 of your friends. Right!!! So who died and made you the moral/religious/social police of the worldwide web?
9. with the people at my work:(
10. with the people who are making the Old Navy ads these days...have you seen the nonsensical crap these people are churning out? Enough with the retardedness (not really a word) already.
11. with the people who send 'exciting business opportunity' emails or text messages or voicemails, after you were stupid enough to be nice and friendly towards them deeming them as innocent fellow Desis. What a quick star way to loose friends and alienate people.
12. with men in general and a few in particular.
13. with desi people who refuse to grow up with time and still rigidly hold on to the ideas, theories and stereotypes that they were brought up with. In case you haven't figured out yet, you can be very annoying. These stereotypes apply to but are not limited to Women, money, life, parents, career, racial groups, ethnic groups, religion, politics, ideologies.
14. with American teenage girls. Build yourself some self-respect, stop dressing so old and selling yourself so cheaply to guys and enough with the crazy hormone induced, mating call like screaming.
15. with having to move every 3-6 months due to one reason or the other
16. with my inability to cook for myself every day, i am so not cut out to be typical desi housewife...thank God my first love didn't work out *shudder*
17. What??? number 17 already....hmmmm. I was just getting started :(
18. with my having so many problems, as K says it Issues In my Tissues

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And so I grow some more

I like to be in control, I like to feel that I have a full understanding and grasp of things at all times. And I want to know where I am and where will I go from here. That is my comfort zone, the known, the regular, the straight forward. When things start to appear overwhelming, larger than life, or beyond the realm of my understanding and control, I start to freak out and take a complete reverse on whatever progress I have made and become mentally paralyzed. I can actually feel a mental block appear out of nowhere and wedge itself between me and whatever it is that I am supposed to achieve or understand. These mental blocks, these sketchy areas become my fears, my nemesis. This happened in 11th grade advanced mathematics and calculus class, it happened when I hit a plateau while trying to loose weight, it is happening at work right now (sigh), and it happened when I went through my very first break-up. I feel disappointed by all the things I did half-way and left them because they became overwhelming and made me loose interest. I am disappointed that I had to be nudged, pushed and wrestled into facing or perhaps overcoming my fears, making me think that I am perhaps not strong enough to do it on my own.

My earliest mental block came at the age of 6 or 7, I am not sure. My father took me to the swimming pool with my siblings and started to teach me how to swim. He wanted me to lay down on his hands and put my head back in the water and let go. I don't remember it but I am sure I must have thought, are you bloody kidding me? What I do remember is completely freaking out, screaming, kicking and yelling and of course my personal best, crying. Everyone at the pool stopped what they were doing to become the audience of my very own Greek Tragedy. I don't remember what Papa was saying, but I am sure he tried to calm me down, but I kept kicking him, until he finally threw me out of the water and asked me to go sit in the kiddie shallow pool. I remember feeling relieved, humiliated but relieved. I wanted to learn, I really loved the water but it was too much to ask, letting go, loosing control, entering the unknown. SO I was relieved to be in my shallow kiddie pool with the 4 year olds. I gave up, I had control but I was sad. Since then other people tried to teach me how to swim, people who knew I wanted to, people whom I told how much I love it, but they all failed. And after a near drowning, my fears were confirmed, this thing is not for me, I am not strong enough and tried to make peace with it.

Over the years my control issues have worsened and it has became harder to get over the mental blocks that I set for myself. I hate the fear of unknown but I have no idea how to let go and just relax and enjoy the moment. I hate not understanding and not knowing stuff, even though I keep telling myself, no one human being is good at everything or knows everything. It is impossible. But of course the world of fears has no room for logic and reality.

But a few weeks ago, some thing happened, not in my life but in the life of someone close to me and I suddenly realised how exhausting this thing has become, this need to be in control, to be aware of everything, yet constantly live in fears and what a huge contrast this obsession is within itself. We all have contrasts in our personalities, some conflict in who we are consciously as opposed to sub-consciously. But it is too much baggage wouldn't you say? Would it be easier and freeing, without it?

So, what did I do? Well, I finally let go of the ledge, and I embraced the unknown. I learned how to swim. In just two days I overcame an almost three decades old fear and by doing so I overcame the biggest of all my mental blocks, the hardest and the most long lasting one. And the feeling compares to no other. I overcame a fear not because anyone forced me to, or nudged me into or because I had no other choice. I did it all on my own, because I wanted to not because I had to. I freed myself of something that had been a larger than life obstacle and which had cemented in my mind that I am not strong enough. This may not be the first time I have overcome something, but this definitely took the most courage and effort and that makes it that much more special.

And yes, it makes it easy and yes it has freed me of unneeded negativity in my life. That's what our fears are aren't they? unneeded, unwanted negativity. If I have no faith in me, in the path I have chosen I will forever be afraid of the unknown. But if I have trust in my own self, in who I am then no matter how low I have gone, or how hard the things are, I will overcome anything. My breakthrough moment came when my instructor asked me to float and pushed me underwater to the floor of the pool, I remained calm, patient and relaxed and sure enough my body slowly moved up and reached the surface.

Lessons learned:

1. Live in the moment
2. Let go
3. Free yourself of fears
4. Have faith in what you know, feel and believe
5. Be strong, calm and patient and you will always reach the surface, no matter how low you are

I am in the big people pool and I am floating and I am no longer sad :)

PING!!!

I chat with M
M is busy
I decide to bug M
I type 'do you love me?' and hit send.
I realise M has not received the message.
The message is sent to some guy
A guy I haven't talked to in 3 years.
Not talked to him since graduation.
we went to school together.
I froze and seemingly he froze.
I type OMG
He types ROFL
I type wrong window
He types ROFL
I stop typing
He types in that case I do
I recover and type hehehe
He types still LOL
Then we catch up.
Typical desi catching up, you single yes, me too, yayy, parents giving a hard time, i like freedom, peer pressure, friends changing diapers (their kids hopefully) left right center, feeling anxious, feeling left out, still stuck working in IT, me too, yaar, yeah too bad.
I lecture him about how marriage will be the end of his life, his freedom and he should only marry a girl out of choice and that he shouldn't have a hard time finding one since random girls are asking him if he loved them.
He laughs some more and asks me how did I get my parents to let up the marriage pressure off off me.
I impart wisdom" lots of patience and hard work and some turning 34 which makes me a dinosaur in the desi marriage market, and convincing them that as good human beings they cannot knowingly make life hell for a nice, good looking, educated Pakistani guy from a good family by marrying him off to me :)"
He stops typing.
I type ROFL
I sign off