And so I grow some more

I like to be in control, I like to feel that I have a full understanding and grasp of things at all times. And I want to know where I am and where will I go from here. That is my comfort zone, the known, the regular, the straight forward. When things start to appear overwhelming, larger than life, or beyond the realm of my understanding and control, I start to freak out and take a complete reverse on whatever progress I have made and become mentally paralyzed. I can actually feel a mental block appear out of nowhere and wedge itself between me and whatever it is that I am supposed to achieve or understand. These mental blocks, these sketchy areas become my fears, my nemesis. This happened in 11th grade advanced mathematics and calculus class, it happened when I hit a plateau while trying to loose weight, it is happening at work right now (sigh), and it happened when I went through my very first break-up. I feel disappointed by all the things I did half-way and left them because they became overwhelming and made me loose interest. I am disappointed that I had to be nudged, pushed and wrestled into facing or perhaps overcoming my fears, making me think that I am perhaps not strong enough to do it on my own.

My earliest mental block came at the age of 6 or 7, I am not sure. My father took me to the swimming pool with my siblings and started to teach me how to swim. He wanted me to lay down on his hands and put my head back in the water and let go. I don't remember it but I am sure I must have thought, are you bloody kidding me? What I do remember is completely freaking out, screaming, kicking and yelling and of course my personal best, crying. Everyone at the pool stopped what they were doing to become the audience of my very own Greek Tragedy. I don't remember what Papa was saying, but I am sure he tried to calm me down, but I kept kicking him, until he finally threw me out of the water and asked me to go sit in the kiddie shallow pool. I remember feeling relieved, humiliated but relieved. I wanted to learn, I really loved the water but it was too much to ask, letting go, loosing control, entering the unknown. SO I was relieved to be in my shallow kiddie pool with the 4 year olds. I gave up, I had control but I was sad. Since then other people tried to teach me how to swim, people who knew I wanted to, people whom I told how much I love it, but they all failed. And after a near drowning, my fears were confirmed, this thing is not for me, I am not strong enough and tried to make peace with it.

Over the years my control issues have worsened and it has became harder to get over the mental blocks that I set for myself. I hate the fear of unknown but I have no idea how to let go and just relax and enjoy the moment. I hate not understanding and not knowing stuff, even though I keep telling myself, no one human being is good at everything or knows everything. It is impossible. But of course the world of fears has no room for logic and reality.

But a few weeks ago, some thing happened, not in my life but in the life of someone close to me and I suddenly realised how exhausting this thing has become, this need to be in control, to be aware of everything, yet constantly live in fears and what a huge contrast this obsession is within itself. We all have contrasts in our personalities, some conflict in who we are consciously as opposed to sub-consciously. But it is too much baggage wouldn't you say? Would it be easier and freeing, without it?

So, what did I do? Well, I finally let go of the ledge, and I embraced the unknown. I learned how to swim. In just two days I overcame an almost three decades old fear and by doing so I overcame the biggest of all my mental blocks, the hardest and the most long lasting one. And the feeling compares to no other. I overcame a fear not because anyone forced me to, or nudged me into or because I had no other choice. I did it all on my own, because I wanted to not because I had to. I freed myself of something that had been a larger than life obstacle and which had cemented in my mind that I am not strong enough. This may not be the first time I have overcome something, but this definitely took the most courage and effort and that makes it that much more special.

And yes, it makes it easy and yes it has freed me of unneeded negativity in my life. That's what our fears are aren't they? unneeded, unwanted negativity. If I have no faith in me, in the path I have chosen I will forever be afraid of the unknown. But if I have trust in my own self, in who I am then no matter how low I have gone, or how hard the things are, I will overcome anything. My breakthrough moment came when my instructor asked me to float and pushed me underwater to the floor of the pool, I remained calm, patient and relaxed and sure enough my body slowly moved up and reached the surface.

Lessons learned:

1. Live in the moment
2. Let go
3. Free yourself of fears
4. Have faith in what you know, feel and believe
5. Be strong, calm and patient and you will always reach the surface, no matter how low you are

I am in the big people pool and I am floating and I am no longer sad :)