Still Alive..

I could not make myself write...anything :(

I wanted to

I really did....

so much to say

so many thoughts to decode

so much to vent out about

so many things to bitch about

But.........

I could not even form a proper sentence

even what i am writing now is being typed with a lot of effort and with ample usage of the back space key.

Yes i hated being unemployed

Yes I was preoccupied

Yes I was a bit down in the dumps.

And yes, even though it was great to be in the Bay Area, but it does take a toll on me.



But now its finally over. And I will hopefully get back in my routine. Three long months and now I am once again with a Project. My brain will finally start functioning at its original pace. My blog will see new posts. My bank will see some incoming activity. And I will return to the gym. Fingers crossed



And the best thing...I stay in Cali. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy



MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!



Talk to you soon my non-existent readers with a more detailed post (I am not sure if the previous 2 are still around)

Farwell Seattle...Hello Chapter New

So its been busy..of course it has been busy...moving out of my place, ending my project, short trip to Boston, last couple of days in the sweet city of Seattle, one long drive down the pacific coast to come back t0 my beloved Bay area, spending time (read shopping with) my parents who fly back tomorrow and of course the renewed job hunt...yes it has been crazy busy.

So do I miss Seattle? Of course I do miss it. I still can’t believe I left it all behind, the home, the friends, the work, the lakes, and the trainer. The little constant that I had found in my ever volatile life! When I finally started to feel at home, I had to pack up my bags and leave. But that’s life. At least that’s my life. One long never-ending adventure! Not so bad. I am ready for the new phase of it. So, thank you Seattle, for the rainy days and the sunny afternoons, the lull in my storm, the friends, the beautiful landscapes, the nice hikes, the renewed peace of my heart and my mind. I will never forget the kindness that you showed me, for which you will always hold a special place in my heart. I will of course be back to contest my sole speeding ticket. Until then, adieu!!

So now I wait, for the next piece of happening that will reach my part of the world, wherever that may be. I have started the search and so far things look...i don’t know..not hopeless at least...let’s see. I insist on staying in my California, which unfortunately is experiencing the worst economic crisis since its existence as a part of these united states, or so it appears. But I cross my fingers and keep hooked to my laptop screen, my ear attached to the cell phone, listening to the voice of any and every recruiter promising me a piece of the west coast action. Let this be my time dear God, to be part of the San Franciscan Work force. I have waited patiently for 3 years, separated from friends and family, almost living aboard a Southwest 737, making the corporation of Public Storage very very rich, can I now have my chance to stay?? Dramatic...yes!! Neurotic...borderline!! Desperate...you got it!!

But one way or the other...I won’t complain, as long as I get employed sooooooooooon and as long as I stay couple of hours long flight away from here. Unemployment does not bode well with me. I get bored, broke, shopaholic (an after-effect of the former), lazy, cranky, moody, grouchy, and extremely hard to deal with, even for me. So, bottom line is...get employed. Cali will always be here for me. No matter how far away I move, I will always come back to my home away from home.

So my readers, if there are any at all, pray for my rapid restoration to employment. And also, pray that the distance between the nearest mall and me remains as lengthy as possible, and that I remain sane, happy, healthy and less volatile...just for the sake of the sanity of people around me...if there are any left. Good night, good luck and good bye.

My cat that liked potato chips

The five years before my migration to the land of opportunity were spent in the company of (among other creatures), a rambunctious feline of the Siamese descent, with a lot of personality, attitude and character. Her name - Simbo. Now Simbo was no ordinary cat, and I know most pet owners just like parents believe their cat, dog, hamster or for that matter iguana is like no other, but trust me when I say this, Simbo was not your everyday domesticated pet. She could beat up three cats at the same time, usually male cats twice her size and refused to mate with any cat of high pedigree. She hated to see me cry and kept hitting me with her paw until I stopped, She felt no shame in begging for food, even on a full stomach, and she never ever pooped in a dirty litter box and would never go if anyone was watching her. She showed happiness, anger, remorse in equal amounts. She would fight our German shepherd with so much zest for no apparent reason, perhaps to prove who is the boss, and poor Axle being the sweet dog and an eternal puppy always thought she was playing with him. She gave birth to one weird looking kitten every year that usually never survived past a few weeks, it was heart breaking to watch Simbo look for the ugly kitten afterwards, at all hours for the next few days, not eating or drinking, and last but not the least, she loved to eat potato chips. When I say love, I mean LOVE to the point of insanity. You so much as open a bag and she would jump out of nowhere to beg for her share. If she was lost Id go around crinkling an empty packet of Super Crisps, and sure enough she ran right up to me. One time my cousin, being the cheapskate that he is, was eating chips, showing them to her and putting them in his mouth. Suddenly, Simbo jumped on the arm of of the sofa he was sitting in totally freaking him out, much to my amusement of course, and started meowing sweetly. My cousin then told me that Simbo was an embodiment of how I would be if I had been a cat myself. I laughed out thinking that he is probably right.

Of course she did a lot of the things that other cats do, sit in fresh laundry, go crazy after fish and chicken, play with chords, thread and wool, get running attacks in the middle of the night, think the freshly ironed clothes are layed out just for her, follow the sunlight and sleep in it 60% of the day, hate getting her nails clipped or taking baths, get freaked out by hair dryers and vacuums, and don't even get me started on the days on heat.

The highlight of her career as a domesticated feline came when a mouse got into our house and was being hunted high and low by the many, many people who lived in our house (separate post on how my mom turned our home into a foster home of sorts). the mouse was in one particular room that had glass sliding doors. Five people in the room were searching for the wretched rat and my cat was just lounging around in one corner. Everyone was laughing at how disinterested she looked and that she is too old to know what is going on. After half an hour of unsuccessful hunt, everyone came out for a break and closed the door, with only the rat and a sleepy cat inside. As we were conferring about what should be done, suddenly we saw Simbo leap into the air to do a double somersault and land in the other corner. When she turned around, the mouse was in her mouth. Eat your heart out Jerry. Everyone cheered and eventually separated the dead mouse from her mouth. It was gruesome, yet I was so proud of my lazy old kitty.

One time she was lost for a week and I cried my eyeballs out, posting lost signs all over the apartment complex. One day a kid from the neighborhood informed us that he had seen my cat in another kid's house. He had kidnapped (or catnapped perhaps) her and was going to sell her off. I was enraged and walked over to the kid's apartment and rang the bell. The kid came out, I asked him about my cat and he lied that he knew nothing about her. From inside the house I could hear a cat meow, repeatedly. I pushed the punk aside and went in to find my Simbo in the kitchen, sitting next to an empty bowl, asking for food I believe (contrary to what I had perceived to be a cry for help). She recognized me and started circling around my legs. I glared at the kid and picked up my Simbo and walked out of the house.

The reason for this post (boring for the non-catlovers) is that I believe this to be Simbo's fifth death anniversary. Before coming to the US, I had given her to another family after my father refused to take care of her. I felt horrible walking away from her, but I knew it had to be done. Turns out a month later, she died for unknown reasons. I have no idea if she got sick or got run over by a car or perhaps she missed me so much that she stopped eating and just died of heartbreak. Yeah, I know that last option is a bit too dramatic to involve a cat, but they don't call me the drama queen for nothing.

RIP Simbo, I will always miss you. Thank you for the years of companionship. You lived life on your terms and did it with so much attitude that makes me believe....you were no ordinary cat. Enjoy the heavenly potato chips.

Drama in Real Life

So on the long weekend I went white water rafting, much to the horror and surprise of my family. No, they are not over protective or paranoid. They just know me really well and knowing me they know how deathly afraid I am, of thrill rides, water and drowning, and since WWR involves all three, I might as well have been suicidal. My father thought I'd chicken out at the last minute, my sister was sure I'd have a heart attack, my brother in law just said "cool", and M...well M is the one who got me in trouble. Since she claims to be afraid of roller coasters as well, and since she has been WWR twice before, I thought how bad can it really be? And it really was not that bad. In fact it was a lot of fun. At first I was a bit freaked out since I don't know how to swim and I knew if i fell in,everyone will witness such drama and chaos, inspite of the life jacket that I adorned, that they will actually find the rapids boring. But once in the raft, I was a lot more confident and really glad that I came. The first rapid of course, had me with my heart in my throat, especially when I felt the raft was getting swallowed by a giant black hole, but it was just so much fun to come out of it that I relaxed and just enjoyed the rest of the ride. We had some funny incidents with the people that went with us. One guy 'N' tried to save a guy 'S' who wasn't really drowning since he just had his raft voluntarily flipped over. As S floated downstream towards us, N got totally panicked and started tugging at S's life jacket frantically without much success. He kept trying to pull S up while standing in the raft until S actually started trying to break free from him. It was hilarious. The struggle went on for a minute or so and cost S his sunglasses and cap, and when eventually I pulled S in (using the technique the guide had taught us), he was just so happy that I saved him from N. Then this other lady insisted on counting each of her paddle stroke, and when M asked why was she counting and whether she intended to add all the counts up at the end of the ride, the lady just said the counting kept her sane. I immediately went to the far side of the raft and quickly went in the other raft as soon as the raft flipping craziness ended. And why do people have their rafts flipped on purpose?? Whats up with that anyway?
SO the whole WWR experience was great and I might go again but I will stick to level 3 until I learn how to swim (odds of this happening is 1 to 10, since several people have tried and quit trying to teach me how to swim...mummmyyy get me out of here..noooo..noooo...ya allahhhhh).
So the weekend was fun, spend time with family, celebrated my darling nephew's 5th birthday, watched my baby nephew walk, had some masala dosa and chaat yumm, all in all a great weekend.
Cut to this morning. I get to the airport and find my flight is 30 mins late, oh well. Tried to listen to the music, the ipod battery runs out, That's alright I guess. I reach Seattle, my friend is 40 mins late in picking me up and I am late from work, Hmmm. I get to my car and start driving to work, but coming downhill i go slightly over the speed limit, and of course a cop is there. He pulls me over and slaps me with my very first moving violation. Noooooooooooooooooooooo. I am dejected I forget I need gas and get on the freeway. I realise I need gas, so I take the nearest exit, and my car simply stops. Dead. Kaput. I burst out laughing deliriously. God finally remembers me. The source of wonderful, healthy, laugh-so-hard-hurt-your-side entertainment. He likes me, he really likes me.
Two things occur to me as I walk to the nearest gas station. Firstly, had this been Pakistan My car would have been pushed by at least four strong men, more than happy to assist a damsel in distress, to the nearest gas station. Secondly, I should be grateful that God did not use me for his morning entertainment while I was enjoying white water rafting :-)
I intend to go home soon, climb under the blanket and stay there for the rest of the day.

Suspicious

Sometimes when everything around you has started to unravel and you find your situation slowly inching southwards, somehow you manage to keep up the buoyancy of your mood. Such a situation can take you by surprise, perhaps because, based on experience you were expecting yourself to become frazzled at the first sign of trouble or at least have a few sleepless nights. But Nada. Is this denial or delusion or is it just that reality is having a hard time hitting you in the face, because you have created so many layers of distractions, duties and tasks to help you dodge this ultimate assault? Should this time be considered a blessing and should be used to enjoy the freedom of the stress-free zone or should this be considered the quiet before the storm and must be used to safeguard oneself against the storm or better yet prevent the storm?

Staying true to my element as a mental retard, I have started analysing my apparent nonchalance towards the impending unemployment. No stress about the move, no tension due to the lack of interview calls, no breakdowns about the unstable and inconstant nature of my life. Hmmm, somethings not right. This is me we are talking about. The die-hard, uncompromising drama queen.I know, I know, I should be glad that nothing is getting to me, but you see that's just what is wrong with my brain. It is so used to being worried that now it is worrying about my lack of worrying. Am I finally loosing it? Don't answer that one.

Anyway, having packed and moved to a friend's home for the remaining sentence of my Seattle exile, I am just about ready for my next big adventure. I have no idea what it is, where it is or when is it, but I do know that it needs to be in a non-snowy part of the country. It also cant be in the part of the country which is too far away from California neither can it be in a state that is predominantly a desert and has harsh, hell-like summers. Also, I am done with the rainy Northwest region. So lets see here, no snow, no desert, no rain, not too far away from my people, hmmm. I guess that just leaves me California itself. Huh, who would have thought ;).

Yes yes I know beggars cant be choosers, so I will go where the bread is to be gotten. Nonetheless, I hope the dream of working and living in my beloved city of San Francisco would finally come true. We will see.

In the menatime I am trying not panic about my lack of panic. Perhaps I have become used to the craziness of life or I have just matured into a more level-headed, sensible person, who understands that life has its share of flights and crashes. Okay the cynic in me just fell off his chair in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Hey come'on it can happen. Sighhhhh

Vent today...gone tomorrow

I hate know it alls. I absolutely can't stand people who seem to think they have a total and complete grasp of what life is all about, and how its various challenges and issues should be dealt with. They may have their own short-comings and weaknesses that people around them deal with, but when it is their turn to bear with others' downtimes, they get into this overtly sage-like mode, where they look at you or listen to you with an air of "oh you stupid, poor, dumb miserable child, feeling all these non-existent feelings, and going through these make-believe issues", and somehow every time they talk it seems like they are talking at you. Communication is a two-way street, helloooo!!

People like this have an answer for every question (even for those which have not been asked) and solution to every problem (even ones that don't even exist), and then they will state the obvious, because at some level they believe the world is full of dumb people, who remain oblivious to the obvious even when it hits them smack in the face. Add to this their belief that others' best is never good enough and perhaps others are only faced with a problem because they have done nothing to eradicate it. Yes, because we are that dumb.

Oh and people like this also think actions are always the best thing and words almost always are crap, because life is always that simple, right? And you always know what steps to take and what actions to undertake, always. Bull!!!

Of course 90% of the know it alls are men and if only I could box my out of every conversation with every logical and practical man in this world, I would probably be crowned the heavy weight champion of the world within the next 24 hours. Mohammad Ali has got nothing on me. Why oh why are men the most infuriating creatures in the world? Why do they have to think every observation made on the current state of a depressing and trying situation is a whine? Why do they assume that just because we are trying to talk about the difficulty of the present circumstances, we are doing nothing, NOTHING to make it all better?

I am a woman, a strong, independent woman who has always made her way out of her various troubles, by hook or by crook, every single time, without the aide of the whole world. I have taken whatever steps are needed to make a miserable condition better and it may not have been swift, but it has always been long-lasting and I am eternally grateful to my God for that. But through it all, there is one and only one thing that I have desired from the people around me and that is to listen to my crap, promise me their undying support and pretend to be empathetic, always EMPATHETIC! Not judgmental, not patronizing, not critical, not impatient, just empathetic. And you know why I can demand this HERCULEAN effort from my near and dear ones, because I am sure as hell there for them when they need me, in whatever capacity they require me, I am there. Always, period! Oh dear God *gasp* yes i expect!!!

To hell with productivity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Thy Neighbor

So the last post made me think about the things that Indians and Pakistanis do or don’t have in common amongst themselves. Since the 1 billion people living in India are so diverse, thinking that the neighboring 17 million don’t bring variety (read drama) of their own, would be a grave act of misguidance.
Having lived in the US for a certain period of time, I have had a fair amount of exposure to the Indian population. In fact, almost all my dear friends in the US, including sweet M, come from the other side of the border. And of course the fact that I have spent majority of my time in the US in either the Silicon Valley or Microsoft land, gives me enough research material to work with.

As far as the other side of the spectrum is concerned, being an Army brat gives me more than enough authority on Pakistanis from every corner of the country. I also have 33 years of personal experience of being a Pakistani.

Now that I have established myself as some sort of an expert on the subject, I will commence the analysis of similar and dissimilar tendencies of our two South Asian friends. For this post I shall talk about the commonalities, since there seems to be so many ;-)

1. Marriage/Wedding: Yes, we both love our weddings and we both are obsessed with marriages. When I say obsessed, I mean live for it, dream about it; think about it morning noon and night. Our mothers start worrying about our marriages as soon as we turn 18, (or so it seems). Every decision of our life is deliberated on, in relation with its impact on our ability to capture the right spouse. What career we choose, what friends we make, how we behave in public, what clothes we wear, and what food we eat etc. etc. God forbid if a girl stays single past the age of 26 (30 in the guy’s case). Nothing worse than being a parent of a single person. Of course, when such an obsession is satisfied, it necessarily calls for a huge celebration. And so begins a month-long festivity, involving all kinds of rituals and Broadway scale singing and dancing. No matter which part of Indian Sub-continent you come from, you have to be married before 30, or you are basically doomed. And you have to have a wedding out of a Bollywood saga (Remember hum aap kay hain kaun), or…well, or you are basically doomed.

2. Jalebi: May it be a Pakistani or an Indian, from any part of the two countries, the sight of Jalebi will make his heart pound fast, fill his mouth with water, and make his brain spin inside the skull with ecstasy. The gold/orange delicacy is at the core of every South-Asian and just the sight of it can make many a heart tumble with joy.

3. Crying Babies: Wherever you go, a mall, a movie theatre, a restaurant, a street corner, if you hear a shrieking, whiney, uncontrollably hysterical child, you can basically guess, without even turning around to confirm, that the source of this entire racket is a Desi child. 95% of the time, you will be right. I don’t know if it is genetic, or bad parenting or just the fact that the kid knows he is born in a household where his entire life will be spent trying to live up to ridiculously high, unreasonable expectations, that he starts the mourning process so early, but Desi kids love to cry, a lot. I am in no way inferring that non-desi kids don’t cry, no way whatsoever. The 5% margin of error has been spared for the kids of African, African-American or Hispanic origins.

4. Emotional Blackmail: Whether it’s the parents making their single son/daughter agree to get married, or relatives trying to get you to throw the party you never intended to throw, or unwanted people trying to stay friends with you, we as two nations, excel at emotional blackmail. We also know how to do it subtly, unconsciously and extremely randomly. After all we are also passive aggressive by nature. You see we have been taught from an early age to be nice, never say no or whatever is on your mind, never listen to your heart and always follow the norms of the society (we are never told these things, we just learn them). So years of self-sacrifice, self-denial and non-verbal desperation turns us into kings/queens of passive aggression and emotional blackmail.

5. Corrupt Police: Yes police of both the countries is unconscionably corrupt, and collectively abhorred and dreaded by all. We also are the most law-abiding citizens in this country – of course, not taking into consideration the things we do to stay in this country. I guess that’s another thing in common.

6. Internet etiquettes (or lack thereof): If you are one of those people who sometimes scroll down on a YouTube video to read the comments, you will realize how stupid both set of people can be when it comes to expressing their patriotism and nationalism. A video as random as that of a Pakistani kid singing a nursery rhyme can ignite such vile, abusive (read utterly ridiculous) repartee, which would make a drug dealer from Crompton hide his face with shame.

7. Behavior when encountered with another Desi: Here in the US, when we encounter another Desi, we a) tend to pretend that we can see through them (b) might be checking them out from top to bottom, but on eye contact, pretend we didn’t even see them (c) on eye-contact, continue to stare without smiling or any other change in expression (d) when encountered with a friendly and smiling Desi, never ever smile back and just stare blankly or just get confused and nervous.

8. Accords/Camrys/Odyssey: The biggest commonality between the South Asian immigrants in America is their love of an Accord or a Camry. The third car, is the must have minivan for all NRI and NRP moms, which Honda is considering to rename O’Desi.

9. Cricket: Of course! How can I forget? Don’t need to say more on the subject.

10. Cultural and societal hypocrisies (“what?? We are not hypocrites, how dare you?”), aggression while drunk (“for those Pakistanis who do drink. What? There are Pakistanis who drink??”), extreme possessiveness of their women (applies to men only, “What? There are no homosexuals in India/Pakistan! How dare you?”), love of meat (“Haey Raam! There are Hindus who eat non-veg”??), male-dominance (“of course not, we are all equal opportunity employers and we don’t think women are dumb, of course not, you dumbass”), sexual frustration/suppression/confusion (“She said sex!! What shameless girl”), eve-teasing (this includes pinching, touching, kissy noises, bollywood song-singing etc. (“How is that wrong????”).

Dedicated to the people from both side of the border, Happy Independence Day!!

I can be ignorant...but I am very nice

Majority of the Americans especially the politically correct, socially conscientious Caucasian ones, apologize a lot. They also thank a lot. When I mean a lot, i mean A LOT. American people love to be liked. They like to think of themselves as good people and they want others to acknowledge that as well. They are also death-afraid of litigation and so they try real hard to be at their best behavior around people of color and also to make all possible efforts to ensure they don't come across as racist, prejudiced, ignorant, rude and most of all intrusive. One thing American people really respect is the right to ones privacy, freedom and space. Now I am not saying that people just do this to avoid possible lawsuits. Not at all. In fact, I happen to think that Americans are probably, by far, one of the nicest people in the world. I have seen people from other parts of the world here and I can safely say, give me an American manager over a Desi one, any day.

Anyway, the point is that being a Single-Pakistani-Muslim woman, I get apologized to pretty frequently...well, for being single and Pakistani and Muslim and a woman. My life is the very paradigm of suppression, deprivation, suffering and struggle. How I must have fought to break free from the restrictions and constraints of a pre-historic times, barbaric society that does not allow women to show off their bodies...heaven forbid!! Did I have to sneak around to get educated? Did my parents try to marry me off to a sheikh at the age of 14? Did I wear a burqa all my life? Did my family disown me for being single and migrating to the US and living alone? How liberating it must be for me to wear Capri pants? The answers to all these questions lead to a lot of apologies and a lot of "Oh really!! I had no idea." and "that's amazing, your father sounds like a very modern man." Are you patronizing me??? More apologies.

One thing I get apologized, at least once a day, for is being mistaken for an Indian. Of course not a Native-Indian, but a Pakistani's arch-rival, blood enemy East-Indian ("How Dare YOU???"). They get so embarrassed and are so emphatic in their I am sorries, that I almost (ALMOST) wish that I was an Indian just so I could spare them this pain and humiliation. I mean people relax!! This is probably the most honest mistake anyone can ever make. And what do you think I will do anyway? Grab your throat and bang your head against the wall while screaming, "Take it back, you ignorant moron, take it back...apologizeeeeeeeee!!" Seriously!! Of course this is not limited to the American people and applies to every living human being from any part of the world, who knows anything about the now pre-historic Indo-Pak conflict.

What is most annoying is when an Indian him/herself mistakes me for an Indian (nothing wrong with that) and once my true identity is disclosed, the conversation almost always follows into an awkward pause, which is almost always broken by the Indian person saying, "Oh thats OK, its the same thing. There isn't any difference right? After all we were one country once."

OK, just wait right there. I have so many Indian friends that I cant even remember when was the last time I met a Pakistani person, let alone befriended one. And since I happen to truly like and genuinely respect my fellow South Asians, I will impart this very very useful piece of information to you. First of all, when someone tells you where he/she is from, he/she is not apologizing to you for being from that part of the world, and is not asking for you to be "OK" with their places of origin. Secondly, if you are truly a non-political, I-only-care about-the-person-and-not-the-politics kind of person, try not to make any reference to the checkered history of our two countries. No matter how bad the condition of our country may be, we are still associated with 'our country' and we really don't want to be reminded that 'our country' was in fact part of 'your country' some 60 odd years ago. To us "its not the same thing" and "there is a difference" and if we are nodding our heads, we are just trying to be non-confrontational and nice. You are just putting us on the defensive. Most likely if somebody told you they were from Uganda, you would probably say, "Oh wow, that sounds interesting, tell me more about the place." Well, try this on the next person who tells you he/she is from Pakistan. Trust me, its so much better and most probably the Pakistani person would say, "Oh, you know its very much like India, culturally." After all, its time we learn a few things from our politically correct, socially conscientious Caucasian friends :-).

Oh on a side note, we don't think it will be better if the two countries got back together. Trust me, that is a recipe for disaster. When a couple gets divorced citing irreconcilable differences, they almost never get back together to have a second go at it, at least not successfully. They have been known to however, after seeking a certain level of maturity of course, learn to co-exist as friends who have gone through and shared a whole history together.

Coming back to our ever apologizing, ever thanking, forever believing what-the-media-tells-them hosts, its admirable that you guys are the way you are. There is a certain class about people who can show regret and gratitude when required. But let me clarify a few things that you may have picked from watching CNN or even worse the dreaded FOX News. People around the world are not all as intolerant, narrow-minded and America hating as the media has you believing. No matter where the American people will go, especially the former British colonies, I can guarantee that most people will treat you with a lot of love and respect. People may not like the American policies or the arrogance that some of the former governments have behaved with, but they don't hate the American culture or people. Secondly, not all Muslim countries are mullah-loving, Osama-loving, shiaite/america hating, wahabi-fundamentalists. There are regular sufi-loving, tomb-visiting, qawali-singing nations, there are skirt wearing, wine drinking, belly dancing states, and there are a combination of all three, confused, distressed by the fundamentalist, exhausted by fighting other people's wars and politically and economically unstable countries, needless to say like Pakistan.

At the end of the day, knowledge is key, otherwise we are all victims of ignorance. But in the absence of sense, I guess I am OK with the apologies. After all, we have to start somewhere.

My mind thinks better when asleep

I am drained. After a full week of dealing with and listening to marital dramas and traumas, I am just about ready to become a nun. Seriously! I am so glad about being single. So glad. If anyone so much as mention marriage to me I will have to use my newly toned muscles.

Seriously, I have so much to do before the end of this month. Update my resume, look for job opportunities, pack and sort my stuff, reach out to contacts for job opportunities and most of all move out by the end of August. I have M and my parents and potentially Aapi and her family coming for a visit this month. That just leaves me two weeks to get most of my chores done. So, the potential domestic dismemberment of near and dear ones is just making the stress levels worse.

To top it all, my brain faced with a bit uncertain and potentially stressful times is as always going in its sleep mode. When I say sleep mode I mean I can literally go to sleep at the drop of the hat. It has always been the case and is one of the things I blame Ami for. The moment life gets stressful, my system becomes overly sleep and hunger efficient. I am so sleepy and tired all the time. And when I manage to be awake I am super ravenous. I remember when my father had that horrible by-pass surgery and throughhout the episode where the doctors who botched up his graft had no way of knowing which way he will swing, my mom and I used to be peacefully asleep on the two couches outside the Intensive Care Unit. We would get up, eat and go back to sleep. Talk about escaping. It was so embarrassing and I am sure that our friends, family and hospital staff thought we just didn't care. Well maybe we are just such spiritual souls who knew it will all be alright. Rite!!!

It is just something we cannot help. Papa always says when people are stressed out they loose their sleep and appetite, but in my and Ami's case it just gets bigger and better. He thinks we are lucky but, I beg to differ. My last stressful time gave me something I am still trying to get rid of...the extra 200,000 pounds (yes, yes, i exaggerate ;-)). So no I am not happy that I don't loose my sleep or appetite at the first sign of trouble.

And not to complain but whats up with having to continue working at a company that you know doesn't really want you there anymore. It is just such a downer. I guess the best thing about being an employee as opposed to a contractor is that, when employees are told bah-bye, they can take their severance package and be on their way out. A contractor on the other hand has to slog along until the expiration of the SOW so that he can get whatever extra pay. Like I said, it is not complaint; it is just a motivational problem. I still have to work, but my heart is not in it. But what to do. Being the professional I am (ahem, ahem) I am doing the best I can with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

Coming back to the original rant about marital delights, I am so over this idea of something is better than nothing in the context of marriage. You have got to be kidding me. Just because you cannot face the dark, ugly and scary side (life as a single/divorced woman...heaven forbid lol), you are willing to put up with crap that belongs in the 18th century. I know the unknown is overwhelmingly freaky, but trust me living your life with dignity and self-respect makes up for everything else. A person who makes you feel like a nobody, does not care for you. Marriage, friendship, business partnership or professional relationships, whatever might be the reason for two individuals to come together, it should be to bring value to one another and help each other grow and eventually progress together. The manipulation, the games, the power plays, the abuse, the cheating, the torture, the running down of one another. Haven't we had enough? Are we not tired already? It breaks my heart to see good people suffer for being good, for being weak and innocent, for having a heart and for loving. Sad !!

My idealistic, but heartfelt prayer and message is that whoever we are with, a friend, a parent, a lover, a spouse, a co-worker, even a servant, may we treat them with the love and respect they deserve. May we appreciate all that they bring to us and all that they do for us. May we accept them for who they are and care for what they need. May we rule their hearts and minds with love, care and understanding. May we never utter the words that hurt them and never act the deeds that shatter their selves. May Allah broaden our hearts and minds. Amen!!!

The fried egg syndrome

Seattle is experiencing the hottest and more importantly the driest summer of the century. Of course the century is just in its 10th year and with the way the climate is changing most likely the records set this year will be easily broken in the years to come. Nevertheless, it is frigging hellish HOT out there and I'm suffering from the Fried Egg Syndrome. But perhaps it isn't the dry heat that is at the root of this syndrome. Perhaps it is due to my impending unemployment and homelessness or the fact that the roommate wont agree to my parents staying at my place during their visit, despite the fact that she is never at home (I last saw her in April) or the fact that I cant find a place to keep my dearest family who plan to visit me in August, or my little cousin getting harassed by her jackass husband, or my seemingly useless workouts (the weight loss is progressing at snails pace...and no I am not digesting crap). Or maybe it is the heat after all. My place has no air-conditioning and the temperature keeps in the late 80s up until midnight. My room faces east and the freeway, absorbing the heat from the entire day and not allowing me to keep my window open through the night Last night I plugged in cotton balls in my ears to silence the freeway noise just so I can keep the window open.

Whatever maybe the reason, my brain seems ready to melt out of my ears. This reminds me of my visits to Multan at various occasions. Multan is a city in Pakistani Punjab, situated near the Cholistan Desert. It is a wonderful place of cultural, historic and spiritual importance, but none of this greatness can minimize the fact that the place is HELL April through October. It is soooo hot, averaging anywhere between 50 - 55 Celsius (Seattleites that's between 120 - 130 Fahrenheit). You cant eat, you cant breath. It is like being in a damn sauna. I remember it so clearly. I also remember every time I went there I prayed more regularly and tried to be a good Muslim, since it was so much like burning in hell for eternity. Tauba Tauba.

By now I have no idea where this post is going. What was I trying to say....see what I mean about the the syndrome. Oh whatever, its not like i have a gaggle of loyal readers following this blog.

The point maybe is that I wish I was in a tropical place, where temperatures remained moderate (anywhere between 70 - 80 F/20 - 28 C) throughout the year, I had a place of my own where people could visit and stay with me freely, my cousin could go back being single and come to the US to study, I had a dream job in a heavily unionized company to give me eternal job security and job satisfaction and I was eternally in the best shape of my life, without having to work at it like a dog. Sighhh if only we could have our tiny little dreams and wishes come true ;-).

There is no place like home...now wait a minute..

I don't know how and I don't know when, but I have just suddenly realised. Seattle has made its way into my heart and has officially become my home. It has given me the right energy to be happy and content, to learn to take care of myself, to make new friends, to bring Nick (my wonderful trainer) in my life and to hike half way up the Glorious Mt. Rainier. From the moment I landed here, I have loved its snow capped mountains, its beautiful lakes, its wonderfully green landscapes and its perfect Summer days. I have enjoyed the snow, I have enjoyed my Sunday strolls in the Pike Place Market, I have even enjoyed the rain and most of all I have enjoyed making new friends. Here, I have restarted playing tennis and met my one true love, my dear car, which proudly displays a Washington license plate. And lately when I fly back from my weekend trips to Cali, I am not sad anymore. I guess I know that I am coming home.

Well...I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!. When in the past 33 years of my life I have ever found a place that would become my HOME? How could I, an Army brat by birth and an expatriate and an IT consultant by choice, yet again make the mistake of thinking some place is my home? Silly, Silly, Free Spirited DJS.

Friday, as I was about to walk out of work, my manager called me for an impromptu meeting. Anyone who has ever worked as a contractor would know that that is never a good thing. Uh-oh!! My manager, very likable person gave a speech about how amazing its been to work with me and what a great job i have done in the past year and a half, and how they regret having to let me go. He wished there was some way he could keep me at the company, but since they have an employee available to take over my tasks, they are forced to throw me out in perhaps the worst job market since the late President Roosevelt was in the oval office. Gee Thanks!!

So what if this was not a total surprise given that my own project had already come to a successful end and so what if my manager felt horrible and told me I still had 2 months at my current position and so what if I was originally hired for just 12 weeks. The bottom line remains the same. In two months I have to leave my home, again!! Sighhhhhhhhhhhh.

Since I am still here two more months, this will not be my Bon Voyage or Adieu Seattle post. However, this post will be used to vent and to reiterate what I wrote in a previous post and to remind myself why I have given me the name of the free spirit and why I have made my home in a 5x10 Public Storage unit.

The funny thing is that the announcement of my impending unemployment and removal from Seattle was met with my people finalizing plans to visit the emerald city in the month of August. The very same people I have been asking to come for a visit my entire 14 months stay. Talk about a reality check. Nonetheless, I am happy that the visits will make my time remaining in Seattle a fun-filled and eventful one. I intend to make full use of being employed, being with friends and family, training with Nick Jr. and using the good energy Seattle has given me to find work in my beloved California. I guess this is how it feels to be told you have only 2 months to live ;-) Ahhh not exactly, but it does make my evil side happy to know that I will be enjoying the remaining sunshiny days of Summer here, before leaving the poor Seattlites to fend against another loooong, snow-filled, gloomy winter. Huhuhuhahahhaa!!

I guess Life has brought no real surprises here and has acted just as I have always seen it act. So I will try to get ready to leave my new home and face another adventure in another part of the world. In the meantime I will enjoy being with my people while willing the job-market to pick up....

Hope You find Peace

On a whole other note, I was quite saddened by the tragic death of Michael Jackson. Of course the US media has started its usual crazy non-stop Story Coverage Extravaganza. Every channel is scrutinizing every aspect of MJ's life, death, music and controversies.
I never paid too much attention to what happened in his personal life, since what’s that got to do with his talent and amazing vocal and dance abilities. Also, since I didn’t live in the US until 5 years ago. But, I do know that we cannot expect a man who has never lived a regular life or learned what society considers as normal, to behave normally. His imbalance or eccentric tendencies are not unusual, given that he has always been famous, always been a star and always been treated as a money making machine. In fact, given all this, it surprises me that he was so aware of the dark and real side of the world. And given the greed, pressure and ugliness that surrounded him, he continued to be so passionate about his work.
Only God knows what the truth and reality of his life and death is, but what we all know is that he was one of the most talented entertainers of his time and a part of him will live forever through his music. R.I.P Michael.

I am with Family

After a wonderful 4th of July weekend with my family, it was so hard to get back to my life in Seattle. I realised once again how hard it is to be away from the people I love. Being away from the people in Pakistan is hard enough, now I have to be away from the people in Cali? Especially now that two of my people from Pakistan are in Cali. And even though I have become a space whore (the typical syndrome of living the American way of life) and can generally be highly irritable to any questions or criticism about the way I do things and lead my life and of course loved ones tend to do both (question and criticise), I'd still prefer if they lived in the same town as me. Families are like that I guess. Cant live with them or without them.
Last week I had a mother of all migraines. It was awful and I spent hours trying interhcangebaly to hold down my water and food, to fall asleep and not to cry and yell "make it stop" at the top of my voice. Stop it didn't but I did eventually fall asleep. Usually when this devil takes over your body you do need to go through a full-blown exorcism of sorts to recover from it. For one whole day, I stayed away from sound, light, sun, computer, work, gym, food and most importantly all kinds of smells. I finally recovered long enough to fly to Cali fro the long weekend and enjoy my Friday with M. But lo and behold. Come Saturday morning the devil returns. Of course it didn't help that my three nephews squeal so much. I mean I never realised what a bunch of squealers they are. With each subsequent squeal my brain did a somersault in my skull. Finally my mother came in and offered to give me a head massage. Just like the old times when during my childhood migrainal episodes, Ami used to rub my head and completely exorcised the Devil. I wondered if it will still work. Sure enough, a head rub by Ami and couple of hours long nap, and I woke up headache less ready to enjoy the fireworks. Only mothers can do this :-)
I love 4th of July mainly because its usually the warmest of all the holidays in America and also because I love fireworks. Absolutely, completely and totally loveeeeeeeeeeee fireworks. No surprise that during the display I squealed just as loudly as my little nephews. Before the display they played all the old MJ songs. I danced on Billy Jean with Nephew number 2 on my shoulders. What fun. My oldest Nephew who obviously doesn't take after me on the dancing skills, kept bumping and running into people (mostly me) on purpose. Apparently, that is his dance move. Sighhhh!!!
Sunday was just as fun with a picnic at the beach followed by a Dosa with Papa and M. Yummm.
The highlight of the whole weekend, which made coming back here the hardest was my little angel telling me "Don't go!! This is your home! This is your new home!! Stay here!! This is your Family!!" Being that he isn't the most talkative of kids, this was so amazing and touching. Also amazing is the fact that I didn't start crying and cancel my flight :)

The rare Happy occasion calls for a rare cricket post

I am so out of the loop of every kind, that it was only when Pakistan won the cricket world cup that I found out that the world cup had been in progress. But then I was just confused. World Cup? We won the world cup? Not the world cup? So after a trip to cricinfo.com I found out it was actually the 20/20 world cup. Twenty Twenty? Seriously? What happened to the 50/50 world cup? And when did 20/20 get promoted to international status? Wasn't 20/20 the format we used while playing cricket on the streets? I say we because I was once a star pinch-hitter. Of course I was eventually banned from participation by the neighborhood kids. I repeatedly refused to retrieve the ball that I hit into neighboring houses, while also refusing to Field or bowl. The kids were fed up and formed a committee to ban me from the local cricket scene. Of course I was crushed but since I was 22 at the time and they were mere middle schoolers, I bullied them into lifting the ban. Eventually they disappeared into a neighboring cricket scene and I turned my nervous energies to tennis. But I digress.
I was annoyed by the 20/20 cricket scene right from the beginning. I am one of those crazy people who still love the 5-day test matches. To me it is the true test of a team's caliber. Hence the name TEST. One day cricket is still enjoyable, but what is with the new human obsession of abbreviating everything. I guess people are running out of time and patience. Players like other professionals want to earn as much money as they can, in the shortest time possible. People are evolving and so is everything associated with them. The way they live, see, feel, think, co-habituate, work, eat, function, their tools, their lifestyles, their priorities, everything is on the change. Then why shouldn't the way they entertain themselves undergo some modifications as well? Of course which cricket enthusiast from my part of the world has ever considered the game as a form of entertainment? I was just as cricket crazy as my next compatriot for the longest time possible. In fact, it was the fact that I was so crazy that made me quit following the game so closely. The ups and downs that plague our team were enough to give me a stroke and so I just gave up.
Anyway, the point of this little rant is that good news in our country is so rare and happy occasions are so few and so far apart, especially of late that whether the latest evolution of my beloved game gets my approval or not, I am happy that my people got a reason to rejoice and our terrorist plagued cricket scene got a much needed break.
Of course the way we kicked Sri Lanka's butt is only icing on the cake. Because even though Sri Lanka and Pakistan are not great rivals, it gave me a reason to stick my tongue out at Guruji and go "looser, looser" lol.
Congratulations Pakistan, may you have more reasons to celebrate :-)

You have my number...lol

Funny thing happened at work, embarrassing but funny. I am working on a project that involves implementation of a 3rd party software and since there are three groups involved, one of my tasks is that of project coordination. I regularly setup conference calls for status meetings. The contract negotiations which lasted 4 months had taken a toll on all parties involved and everyone was on the edge after a previous very very unpleasant almost deal breaker kind of a call. Finally couple of weeks back everything got signed and come Monday morning I send off a conference call invite to everyone so we could determine the next steps.
At meeting time, I dialed in and was waiting for people to join. Five minutes pass and only one person joins. We sit wondering whats going on, when my manager gets on the call and he is laughing his head off. He asks me if I did this on purpose? I am clueless as to what "this" was. While he is still laughing, being the cool guy he is. I start getting emails from the 3rd party consultants that it seems the dial-in number may have an error and if I was sure this is the number I intended them to use. To my embarrassment it turns out the dial-in number I send off was for something called "Exciting Talks". I was mortified, but to cover it up I send out an email saying, just thought we all needed some relaxation and now that we have all had our fun lets get down to business. It did break the ice though.
Curiously enough one of the 3rd party consultants never made it for the conference call. Hmm, perhaps someone got too "excited" to talk ;)

Life goes On

Turns out the whole situation with my brother was not so bad as it had seemed. At least according to him. But it did make me realise that I should try and have a relationship with my adorable niece and whatever transpired between Brother dear and the rest of the family has nothing to do with me, at least not directly. If he chooses to live his life a certain way and even though I think it is a horrible way, I can do nothing about it and I should just let things be.But what I can do is not completely give up on him and definitely not give up on being an awesome aunt to his daughter. I am a pretty awesome aunt. Ask my three nephews. Of course one of them has not started to talk yet and the middle one probably loves everyone, while the eldest, well he will never answer a controversial question like this. The point is, it just is too much of a baggage to carry, having a member of your family estranged. Having anyone estranged is too much for me. I cant even deal with someone being mad at me for a single night.
But there is nothing more special than family. I went to the airport last Saturday and stood outside the arrival gate with a pounding heart, expecting the worst. My parents came out looking fresh and rested and not much older than last year. I was relieved. Papa was telling me how much fun it was to travel business class. It seemed like they wouldn't have mind one bit if the pilot had taken an extra trip up to New York and back.
But I am glad, so glad that they are here. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Whenever they are here it just makes things better. It feels selfish when i am here and they are there alone. But when they are in the US it makes my being here okay. SO practically speaking i want them here for selfish reasons. The fact that they like being here with us and the kids makes it all the more right.Of course then I came back to Seattle and my parents stayed in the bay with Aapi, but it is still better that they are here with us.
Its graduation day at Seattle's UW and I happen to be in the neighborhood. It is such an exciting day in their young adult lives. The sense of accomplishment is so strong that it shines so brightly on the happy faces, both of the students and their families. But these are troubling times and the class of 2009 will have an early reality check as they look for work in this barely existing job market. Welcome to the real world, and that too so soon. Usually it takes a while to realise that the exciting real world that beckoned us while we trudged along in the hallways of our Alma maters, is more like a boot camp obstacle course, a series of myriad challenges. Of course, you don't have to worry about homework deadlines, mid-terms and finals and thesis and projects. But you will also no longer enjoy 4 months of vacation a year. You will have more money but you will also have more taxes, more responsibilities and more challenges. More to do at work, that is if you can find work. OK I will stop bumming out the class of 2009 now . They will deal with life themselves as they continue to discover its real meaning and their place in this universe as an employee, as a spouse as a parents and as a child of very old parents. Good luck to them.
Right now I am off to watch a movie and enjoy my Sunday evening, before another crazy work week begins.
Guruji has struck a friendship with Papa, I am nervous and happy at the same time. As long as Guruji behaves himself things should be okay. hmm Lets see.

I see RED!!!!!!!!!!

I am so mad. I am so freaking angry that I can bust open someone's head. I am annoyed and really frustrated. But at the core of it all I am sad. No00. I am just sooooo maddddddddddd.
My moronic 37 years old brother is going to have an angiogram. An Angiogram to detect the blockage in his arteries. And the Doctors will then put a stunt in his heart. All this at 37!!!!!! 20 something years of smoking, bad diet and just not working out any more can catch up with you. I have not seen him in 3 yrs and haven't talked to him in 2. I am mad. At him. At myself. At everything.
I had to get up at 6 in the morning this whole week to get to work and work like a dog. I am helping a friend to manage somethings and every time I mess up teeny tiny bit, he just bites my head off. My 4 weeks long weight loss plateau has stretched into three months, even though I am working my butt off to get off of it. My car gets dirty one day after I get a car wash. But these things are just the crumbs. The bloody cake goes to my brother.
How could he do this to himself. How could he not think about his 6 yrs old daughter? He used to be active and was in great shape most of his life. He is in the Army for God sake. And few setbacks in life and he goes A-wall on everyone, on himself, on his health. I am not unreasonable. I know him. I know him better than anyone else does. I understand him. Even though we have been estranged, reasons for which are far too complex and personal to be disclosed on this blog. Oh what the hell my three readers already know the entire soap opera. But that's not the point. If you decide you want to live life on your terms and make your own decisions, then you have a duty, a responsibility to take care of yourself. You don't screw up with people in your family because they have been trying to help you and say I can take care of myself so back off and then go on to screw your own self. Grrrrrr. This makes me so mad. I know exactly how the bull feels in the bull fighting arena. I see red too.
I bet if anyone reads this, they will think i am such a heartless bitch and why cant i be a little more sympathetic. After all he is my only brother. But what can I say, 30 years of standing by someone's side and seeing them mess everything up one after another, and that too when they are smart and brilliant and capable of achieving anything in the world, can set you up with so much anger that no other emotion can force its way into your heart.
He has had some tough breaks as well, no doubt about it. Things that he wanted, things that meant so much to him, always ended up in a shitty mess. And even though Karma is a bitch, not everyone has it come and bite their asses like it has chewed my poor brother's behind. Well he is my true brother in that sense.
My brother of late is not the brother I love and feel sad about or wish all health and happiness and peace of heart and mind for. That brother of mine is smart, funny, intelligent, talented, sensitive and extremely caring. That is the brother I miss and that is the brother that wants me to hunt him down and beat the crap out of, stunt and all.
I will call him tonight. After all we came from the same place and despite the history full of disagreements, we are still family. May Allah bless your troubled soul.

Smooth Sailing

A long weekend spent with two of my favorite people along the Pacific Coastal Highway and a whirlwind short work week marked by a killer migraine and an annoying anal Systems Analyst later, I hit another weekend running. I am tired and all I plan to do is sleep or enjoy the sunny warm weather that has decided to grace us - the lowly inhabitants of Pacific northwest, with its presence.
The trip down the coast was fun. I absolutely love San Diego. If only I could get a job down there, I would move there in a second. But driving down I realised once again just how crazy LA traffic really is. Of course I still drove fast to my heart's content, which was fun after being stuck under Seattle's 60 mph lame speed limit. And of course Guru ji gave me a lecture on tail gating and asked me ever so often "Whats your rush??". I want to clarify once again dear Guru ji, I do not tail gate and I am an awesome driver. And after patiently witnessing the never ending arguments between Guruji and me for 3 years, M finally lost it and screamed out "Ufffffffffff, Just stop it, you guys have so much stamina for this," Well, Duh!! You didn't figure it out. We love to explain and lecture and argue and then we argue some more. Discussion is the root cause of our flourishing friendship. I mean Guruji and mine, yours and mine not so much ;).
Anyway, on the way back I got a really bad case of motion sickness. The winding route seemed never ending and most of all that had been in my tummy made its way out in whaler cafe's ladies room. Gross, I know. But this in turn caused the killer migraine that has been the bane of my existence since. But that is something I have had to deal with most of my life. And M keeps telling me to push something up my nostril and pass it through the other. Ewwwww sounds painful to me.
So after relaxing this weekend I get all ready to receive my parents who get here on the 6th. I fly down to Cali Thursday just for this. Haven't seen them in about a year. I am excited yet a little apprehensive. Every time I see them after a passage of time, they seem to have grown older and that is both uncomfortable and scary. I guess the toughest part of growing up is to watch your parents become a weaker, slower versions of their former selves. We all want them to be around forever and the prospect of loosing them terrifies us. At least it terrifies me. On top of it I feel all wrong living so far away from them and not utilizing the time I have left with them. I know this sounds extremely morbid, and hopefully they will be around for years to come, healthy and able. It just feels 100 times better when they are visiting us here and enjoying the three babies. I miss them so much. One more week to go.
Oh a trip to the Yellowstone park is on the horizon and since I have wanted to visit the place since I was 10 and read about the park in a national geographic magazine, I am sooo excited :)
Hmm, didn't realise how late it is. Time to hit the sack.
I know I have been changing the look of my blog. Just bored with it. Trying to find the right one. Lets see how long this one lasts.
Soo sleepy. Catch up on some shut eye.

In the Valley of Elah

Last weekend in Seattle was so perfect. It was just awesome. I also finished my one whole year in Seattle. And even after a whole year I still cant get over how majestic Mt. Rainier is. It is simply amazing. There is a certain spot on I-5 north, you turn a corner on the hilltop and suddenly the breathtaking, grand splendor appears in front of you and you instantly go woww!!!...at least I do. Stunning. So on a sunny day that is one of the biggest perks (for me). You see Mt. Rainier, from everywhere.
The interesting point though of this weekend was a small pro-Palestine display that I chanced upon and that a group of students and teachers from UW had set up in the union square to mark the "Independence Day" of Israel. The display talked about the present day State of Palestine, Gaza and West Bank, the atrocities of war, history of Arab-Israel war and the ultimate hostile takeover of a country and a nation. The Seattle has historically been a liberal city and the Seattlites like to consider themselves very open-minded and tolerant. People read the material, watched the display, asked questions. This is one of those issues so close to my heart that it always brings tears to my eyes. I was tearfully watching and reading and gave one of the teachers an impression that I am perhaps a Palestinian myself. I told him no but I am from a country inching towards a violent future and this is something very close to my heart. One of those overwhelming facts that I can only feel but not necessarily describe. Not having a home, not having the security of a home, not having something that is your own, something that is yours but you cant hold on to, growing up with no hope, no future, no life. Getting so desperate as to resort to killing your own self to prove a point. So much hatred, so much waste, so much bloodshed. For what? Why? When does it end? I am with no one. I am against no one. I don't know what is right. I don't know what is wrong. All I know is that no amount of civilizing, no degree of progress, no level of sophistication can hide the fact that Humans are no better than some feral beasts and will always resort to violence of the worst kind to get what they want. I for one am disgusted.
The lone bearer of the Israeli flag amused me the most as he quietly stood on the corner of Pine and 4th making a point of his own. I wanted to ask him if he is showing solidarity with the Palestinian cause or just reminding us that there is always two sides to a picture.
One word - Genocide. A nation goes through it, survives, gets powerful and makes another nation go through it. That is the history of the world. it has been repeating itself over and over and over again. We are all aggressors. We are all victims. Who do we blame? Who do we feel sorry for?
Perhaps I should have spend my weekend just focused on the Mt. Rainier instead.

My better half

Did you ever have someone a part of your life whom you loved so much, yet could not stand within a matter of minutes? A person who made your life miserable for many years but one day turned around to become your biggest support, who since then has been there whenever the going gets tough, who has believed in whatever you are doing just because you are doing it, and who in her sweet innocent ways has been so faithful, loyal and loving that you never ever truly felt alone. I have a person like that. A person I have shared everything with, literally. All 33 years of eventful and uneventful life! The clothes, the makeup, the bedroom, the 6 schools, the relatives, the family, the memories, the issues, the stories, the friends, the tears, the laughter, the fights, the power struggle, the long nights, the fears, the triumphs, the 20 houses, just about everything. In other words, she can be me in proxy. The one constant I am so grateful for, the one who I have been so proud of. My dearest sister who has given me years of love, support, tears, bruises, torture, catfights, heartache, friendship, clothes, money, makeup, dating cover ups, laughter, happiness, loyalty, shelter, a wonderful brother and three beautiful boys to love and cherish as my own, precisely in that order.
Seeing my sweet Aapi you can learn what compassion is, what defines strength of character and what is the true meaning of loyalty, unconditional love and support. The one person you will be lucky to have in your corner.
Ours was not always a happy union, far from it. The first 16 or so years of my life, we had a complex relationship. We were sisters so we loved one another, and she sometimes liked to show me off (“Sing a song for my friends”) but I think she found me annoying, and liked to boss me around, and on occasions beat me up. But she was loyal; even then, she was loyal. I was a weird little kid and people liked bullying me and she always defended me. Whatever signifies those years, whether it is our catfights or her undying loyalty and pride in me, they were not the happiest years of my life. My sister was moody and unpredictable and I found it very trying to be around her :). She didn’t share anything with me and I had to sneak around to borrow her clothes and makeup.
But then something happened. My sister turned 19 and became an entirely different person. She was on her way to becoming a doctor, she had a new best friend and she became the coolest older sister. Those were the best days of my life. My sister and I became the best of friends. The subsequent years saw never ending heart to hearts, sneaking out late night to get those KFC zinger burgers, planning the rendezvous with the boyfriend (mine), the study session breaks, the gossip sessions, the picnics, the ice lollies, the long walks, the fights, the making ups, the wedding, the heart ache, the separation, the gifts, the visits, the heart break, the baby, the move, the togetherness, more babies, more tears, more laughter, more life.
She is an amazing woman. She has always stood by what she believes in and has always lived the life with a devil may care attitude. It has always been about her family and now her kids. She is strong willed, determined and focused. She will say what it is and how it is and the world just has to deal with it. She has gone through and is going through some tough times and she may seem less dogged than she used to be (even to herself), but I know that she has the spirit of a fighter and a will of steel and she will bounce back because that’s what she does best. Bounce back!!
Aapi I wish you knew how strong you are and how very proud I am of you. What you have done and what you do every day is no small feat and it makes you extraordinary. You are the same little girl who with her will changed the course of her life and now, as an adult, doing it for the people around you. You have made me want to be a better person and you have helped me be a better person and now you do it for others around you. I have always seen you do more than what is required, as a daughter, as a sister, as a student, as a doctor, as a wife and now as a mother. You are simply awesome, and I take it as an immense blessing to have a sister like you. May God bless you in every possible way.

Conflict

I have never considered myself a very intelligent person. I don’t understand most things brainy. I could never balance chemical equations, solve trigonometric problems, or understand geometric theorems. I especially find myself at loss when it comes to anything related to simple or compound interest. I remember sitting at the Nissan dealership nodding at the salesperson and guru ji as they told me about my principal and interest payments, hoping I didn't look as lost as I really was. I also can never figure out how much tip to give (10% of 21.90 is???). Aptitude tests became my enemy at an early age (word problems have given me many a sleepless nights). I couldn't care less if train A left station B at 3:00 pm and train B left station A at 4:00 pm and the stations are 20 miles apart, at what time will the trains passed each other. Another thing which freaks me out is anything which has a lot special characters (^&**(^}{}{$#@!{*}) and loops and triggers. Yes I tried so hard to grasp the principles of C++ but God bless my poor brain that never did care about how things work. Human minds? Yes! Machines and software? NO!!
I have no idea if this mental deficiency is caused by a birth defect or by my mother’s stern mathematical tuition or by really bad math and science teachers. I did always love my language and history teachers though. Whatever may be the cause of it; my mathematical and scientific deficiencies have convinced me I am probably not the smartest of people. My two masters’ degrees can not convince me otherwise, even though both had plenty to do with all things mathematical…ugh, there is no way around it, is there?
My Brother in Law (AB) recently asked me how much APR do I pay on my credit card and I became completely paralyzed. The words APR freeze my mind and I can no longer think or comprehend anything. AB went on to explain something about my car payments and stuff like that and all I could say was, “what do you think I should do, I trust you, tell me what to do and I will do it” lol!!
After graduating I ended up in the field of information technology and so began the torture that will last me a lifetime or so it seems. I can last only so long. There is only so much code related jargon that I can take and there are only so many brainy people I can tolerate the company of. Engineers freak me out and developers may altogether be from another planet.
The point is that I have convinced myself that I am not smart Math is my nemesis and the world is all about math. Wherever you go whatever you do, it finds you and then you have to do a little more than just add and subtract. I don’t even know why I get a tax refund. I take the money happily but I am not sure how and why I get it.
People think I am smart and they tell me so too, but I just don’t believe them. I feel like I am an impostor, walking around looking oh so intelligent with my two masters degree smartly tucked away in my impressive portfolio. I can talk the talk but fail miserably at the walk and I know it.
So not knowing things technical, mathematical or financial really make me dumb? Does it actually imply that I have sub par intelligence because I have failed to grasp the concept of percentages?
Who decided what is normal or genius? Who decided what is standard? We are so brainwashed into believing what is acceptable and intelligent or what is normal that we get prejudiced against our very own self. And if we are prejudiced against our own self then how can we expect not to have prejudices against others?
I come from a place where if you are not capable of becoming an engineer or can not become a doctor you are basically not smart enough. My world is about words not numbers. My world is about feelings and not logic. My understanding is of emotions and psychology and not theories. I may not be super book-smart but I do have wisdom of my own.
I realize this yet I am convinced I am not smart. What does this mean? What does this signify? That we are all stuck to judge things by the hypocritical and illogical standards created by humans just like us who neither had the vision nor the understanding of what progress is really about. Progress is about change. It is about the people who bring about these changes. People who defy the very standards of normalcy and reject the norms by which the world expects them to live.
I spend the first 28 years of my life in a state of confusion and the next 3 in a state of embarrassment and being defensive about my knowledge and capabilities. But now I have realized what being your own person is all about. I may not know the principles of applied integration and differentiation but I do understand what the characteristics of Dickensian prose are and how they demonstrate the writer’s profound understanding of human psyche and hypocritical societal tendencies of his time (or any time). And I may not understand how a software works but I do know how the unconscious mind manipulates a person and shapes his or her personality based on certain experiences and stimuli. (making me a more tolerant person;))
I just might be smarter than I thought. Lets see 10% of 21.90 is...

Few of the many incidents...that tell me we need to visit the ENT

M and Guruji are driving back from the airport. M is telling Guru ji about this couple who are on again off again and who are on again. She tells guruji that they are willing to try it and plan to do it 201%.
Guruji: Huh???
M: What?
Guruji: How can they do that?
M: What do you mean?
Guruji: And how will it help them?
M: Huh?
Guruji: Doing it with 201 persons..how will that help their relationship?

M and I are on the phone trying to figure out where we can go for the long weekend.
Me: Well we can always go to Yosemite for a day.
M: Yes yes (Hyper and willing as ever)
Me: But it might be too crowded.
M: Yeah aur journey bhi buhut hai. (its a a long journey)
Me: Hain?? Garmi? It wont be hot...you are weird at 59F you cry its too cold and at 65F you cry its too hot.
M: Grami nahi journey...
Me: jeremy???
M: aaa??
Me: what is that?
M: journey journey (yelling into the phone)
Me: Oh journeyy!!!!

Me sitting in a meeting. The presenter is giving us a presentation about the new tools and processes that will be utilized for the new project. It is 8:00 am and I am hungry and I can hardly pay any attention. Suddenly I hear the presenter talk about the "tormentor"
Presenter: You will find the "tormentor" on the website and it will tell you what to do.
Me thinking: Tormentor?? What the heck is that? And why would they name it Tormentor.
The presenter continues to talk about the "tormentor for 5 minutes and I keep thinking What the heck is that? Finally someone from the audience says "So when we access the "Tool Mentor" will we be able to see...."
Me: Oh TOOL MENTOR not Tormentor!!!!

Plateau

I am working hard. I am eating right. I am training every day. I can now run 20 mins instead of the 1 I could barely run 4 months back. I feel better than I have in a long time. And I absolutely adore my trainer, of course ;) I am happy and excited.


I happily eat and train my way into April and run straight into a wall. No matter how hard I try I keep hitting the wall and I get nowhere. Its frustrating and annoying and worst of all demotivating. The only thing that keeps me from giving up is the money that has gone to my "adorable trainer". I talk about it constantly and my trio of sweet well-wishers can only do so much to keep themselves from choking me. Probably the fact that I have 850 miles between them and myself helps tremendously. But can I do? When you work so hard to achieve a goal, every road block seems like a nuisance or at least a universal conspiracy to keep you from gaining your happiness.
Three weeks of the needle pointing the same number on the weight machine pushes me off my rocker and I glare angrily at Nick as he makes me run at 9 mph for a final 1 min sprint. He smiles and I tell him how much I hate him. He takes it. I feel horrible.
I am in tears as Nick tells me that I have hit my first plateau and there is nothing I can do except keep going. I feel nervous and wonder if I will forever stay at this same weight and never ever get back in shape. Nick reads my mind and says no. Aapi tells me don't give up. Guruji is annoyed but patiently tells me its temporary and M just says "hmmmmmmmmm just keep at it bhaeeee".
And then I realise something. Isn't life just like this? You work so hard and do everything right and expect certain things to happen and some of them do happen, but then you hit a plateau. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want things to move forward, it all remains just the same. Nothing works and life becomes stagnant. The needle on the "wait machine" pretty much signals at "the rut" and all you can really do is to "keep at it". You just cant give up. You have to keep doing the right things and wait for the time when you are shown a way to climb past the plateau. All you can do is keep yourself motivated, be consistent and hope for the best. If you give up you will never know what was on the other side of the wall and all your life you will keep wondering.
We have all had our shares of plateaus. Some of us might right now be up against a wall. And it may all seem so hopeless and pointless and we may feel we will forever be up against this wall and things will never change. But we all know they do. At least I know they do. And once we are able to climb over the wall, we get things which were beyond our expectations.
So the moral of the story, success doesn't come easy and goals are not easily achieved. And a few those who got things easily are mere flukes or myths. A way for the universe to tease and test the majority of us who have to work our butts off to get anywhere in life. Not giving up and working hard. That's the key.
Soooo what do I do? I apologize to Nick, study my actions closely and honestly to identify the loose bricks and replace them, log my days accurately and stay as far away from the chocolates as I possibly can. Negative energy not allowed :)
This morning I stowed the weight machine in the storage room.

Women

What I don't like about socializing is the gossip, drama and politics that usually comes with it. That is the prime reason why I almost decided to give up on humanity and become a recluse.
Historically women and I have not gotten along. For a dramatic emotional woman I could never deal with the drama and emotional complexities of other women. Either I gave them too much or too little. Either they made fun of me or became overly attached (or both). Either they were too needy or too manipulative (or both). Either they made me feel inferior or just wanted to prove their superiority. All in all they wanted me to pull my hair out and run for the hills (or the ocean, whichever was closer). Of course I am generalizing because then there were a few of those who were cool (might I add, like me) and I felt so at ease with them that they made the torture of finding them almost worthwhile. But I still am of the opinion that guys make so much better friends than girls (if only the hormones wouldn't come into play!!). Not because they are not humans but because they are emotionally lazy(to manipulate), non-possessive and extremely logical and practical. They basically think and want to prove that they are super cool and that makes them fun to be with.
I recently joined a group of girls to hang out with. And soon after one of the girls (girlA) started bitching about some other girl (girl B, who I have never met), saying that the girl B bitches about her all the time. Hellooo???? You are doing the same thing!!! Another girl (girl C) told me its because of her that the two girls started arguing because girl A wanted to prove to girl B that girl C was her better friend because girl B had a party and invited girl A only if girl C wouldn't come, but girl A said she wouldn't come if girl C wasn't invited which forced girl B to invite girl C but resented her for not not sending her RSVP till the day before the party. Meantime girl B (who I still haven't met) send me msg on facebook about how much she wants to meet me which girl A read and started warning me about what a bitch girl B is while girl C is like I am partial and have told girl A not to fight with girl B over me but then girl C said I don't like girl B only because she bitched about her MIL and called her a bitch. Also girl A started texting me love u miss and you awesome after meeting me twice. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??????????????????
Also, girl C who likes me as well wants to hang out with me only if I keep it a secret from Girl A and B because they are so jealous and possessive. Furthermore girl D (hehehe) who desperately wants to be part of our group (apparently I'm in a group) and whom I really liked, is snubbed by girls A, B and C because she is not, hear this, "cool enough".
ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS??????????????????????????????
And the scariest part is that these women are in their 30s, married with kids. Like, seriously??
Although this is a bit annoying, I no longer want to run for the hills or pull my hair and even though this is very high school, I am all grown up and can deal with the whole lot very diplomatically. Besides you cant really put a price on good entertainment and of course I really get along with their husbands :)

Life as it is

After a long time, or so it seems, life has gotten into some form of a routine. It is not exciting but it is a welcome change. The two years that followed my graduation were so unpredictable and volatile, that they almost cost me the normal functioning of my brain and eyes, and gave me a close resemblance to a WWF wrestler. Fifteen pounds, eleven months at the same job and affording an auto loan later, I find myself eating better, sleeping better and thinking better. I spend my time working, training and sleeping.
Learning to take care of your own self is such a task. I never realised how much easier and rewarding it is to take care of others, at least for me. In comparison, eating my vitamins or sleeping 8 hours every night just does not cut it, at least for me. But I am learning.
I learn that if you stick in a routine long enough you do get rewarded.
I learn that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
I learn that working out will treat insomnia.
I learn that healthy food does make you feel good about yourself. Much more than chocolates, since it is a long lasting feeling.
I learn that I too can enjoy routines. Papa will be so proud.

But there is one problem. I am worried when my life takes the next volatile turn, my routine will be the first thing that I abandon. No good!!! My new found affection is probably not deep enough or old enough to make it past the test of time. I just don't see myself eating carrots when I am stressed out. Veggies are just not cut out to be comfort food. Oh well!! Cross the bridge when you come to it. For now I will enjoy the stability, the peace and the quiet of my present life. Tomorrow is another day.

On a different note, my parents are planning to visit us in May and I couldn't be happier. I feel so much more peaceful when they are in the US with either me or Aapi. My 3 nephews who are of course the most adorable people in my life, thoroughly entertain Papa, who happens to make one cool grand father. In other words the boys are the bait we use to lure the grand parents across the 7 oceans.
The oldest who just turned 7 is like a information sponge and he can make play dough out of your brain in 30 mins flat with his question answer session. These days the topic of concentration is the Native Americans. The middle one who is the most adorable lil boy in the world and the most engaging, can make any human being smile. Then comes the baby, and what can one say about a eleven months old bundle of joy.
And so my parents are coming and we try not to take it personally that we are not really the people they come to see. We are not as cute and having been with them for more than three decades, our novelty is just worn off. And even though my trainer made me do spider crawls all over the gym yesterday, I just don't think it is a picture that would make my parents go all mush, at least not with warm affection.

And last piece of exciting news is that I am going to the Pakistan Day event here in Seattle. My simple ABCD friend informed me about it and wondered why we are having it now instead of in August. I told her that Pakistan Day is in fact in March and August 14th is the Independence day. She was like ohhhhhhh!!!! So yes I am going and I am excited because, I have not participated in anything patriotic since my graduation. The funny thing is that I have no idea what the event is all about. Element of surprise. I just hope it is not bunch of know it all ex-pat Pakistanis talking about how the problems of the unfortunate country can be solved. Most of them have not lived in or visited the country in ages and somehow feel that they have done their national duty by giving a speech once a year. Sadly, I am becoming one of them. Hopefully not for long.

Tis the Season...to freeze to death

So its cold yet again. It snowed yet again and yet again I am frozen to the very core of my bones. Before I came to the US I used to love winters but those were the winters of Islamabad. Where covered in a shawl you could sit endlessly under the sun eating oranges and only come inside to cuddle in front of a gas heater along with the rest of the family. It was so cozy and comfy and fun. Romantic even :)
But here, life is all about waiting for the summers. The sun doesn't comes out but twice a month, or so it seems. It rains and rains and then rains some more. And then it snows. I love the snow, it is so pretty, but what comes after snow is unbearable, bone breaking freeze. I hate that feeling. I wonder how people lived under such conditions before electricity and gas were discovered and all they had was wood and fire. No wonder they hardly ever reached the age of 40.
The year I came to the US, Northern California experienced an unusually cold and wet winter. I remember being cold, all the time throughout the first two semesters. I was the idiot sitting inside the class in a thick down jacket, gloves and scarf, still shivering and complaining about how cold it was. Those days, I had to wake up at 6:30 to catch the train to work everyday. It was torture. Most days I cried as I walked the 20 mins walk from the train station to work and 30 mins back, under unceasing rain, with cars splashing rain water on me. I felt like some desolate Dickens Character.
Summer came and I got a job On-Campus and I fell in love with California all over again. Since then my body has acclimatized to the weather here but I really don't like the winters anymore.
And after spending almost an year in Seattle, I really don't enjoy rain anymore either. I, like all my American hosts, love the summers and live for the days when it will be warm and sunny. When people will walk around the streets happy and cheerful. I get it now. We used to think the white people are insane for hating the rain and loving the sun so much specially since their skins wrinkle and burn under it. But I get it now.
Of course, last summer when I was visiting Miami and the place was hit by a tropical storm, I was the only one going crazy, happily jumping up and down under the warm torrential rain along the beach. People were running for cover and all I could think was about how much it reminded me of the monsoon rains of Karachi. People thought I am insane but I didn't care.
So I guess given the right circumstances I will enjoy all things nature :)
Meantime, please God let it be spring in Seattle, this cold is torturous.

What Next??

So sad and so depressed. My world as I knew it is changing and it is changing for the worse. It is a sad sad day. And I have no words to describe what I feel and what I want to say and what I am thinking. This is how it feels. To fall out of a tall building. To come spiralling down to meet your demise. I am numb as is the rest of the population of Pakistan. I am numb and I turn my head the other way, in shame perhaps.
Srilanka is not a newbie when it comes to acts of terror as it has its own share of traumas to deal with. Srilankans though know the two adversaries of their war. There is no mistaking who is the enemy on either side. The agenda is known. The reasons are known. The war is old, known and accepted. There is no denial.
We as a nation are numb and confused. Who is attacking us? The Indians? Talibans? or the Americans?
We are in Denial. These people who attack us are not Pakistanis! These people have no connection to Pakistan! These are not Muslims! We are not at war! This is only NWFP's problem!
We don't know the agenda behind this craziness. What do they want to from us? Why would they do this? They would never attack the cricketers? If we just look the other way and close our eyes, this will go away.
We are not shocked, we are just numb. Heartless? Perhaps not. We just don't want to be responsible to fix this. We hope someone or something else will come and fix this.
Sri Lanka Cricket team did us a favour by visiting Pakistan. They understood what it feels like to be outcast as a terrorised state. They came and they paid for it. Why are we surprised? Didn't New Zealand's team get attacked a few years back?
Life as we knew it is gone...we are just too damn numb AND PROUD to accept it or maybe we are too selfish to accept it and do something about it. The Pink elephant in the room. As long as you don't see it you don't have to do anything about it.
Wake up Morons. We are a nation under attack, a nation at war. There is a divide in the nation. The fundamentalists Vs the liberals. They are a part of us. They maybe supported by other countries or organizations but they are not non-Pakistanis and they are not non-Muslims. They may have taken their faith too far and we may not agree with their approach towards religion but they justify all their actions in the light of their belief system. That in itself should alarm us enough to scare the living daylights out of us. They are here, in Karachi, in Lahore and in Islamabad. They have attacked any and every city, town, village. They live among us. We don't recognize them because they are part of us. They are here.
Sadly, our Government, our legal and judicial system, our police force, our bureaucracy, our Army and our people are not ready or willing to acknowledge this or deal with it. We are not prepared for the war and not prepared to take the responsibility.
Is this the beginning of the end? The country, the ideology, the people are all under threat of extinction, are we willing to stand by, watch and not do anything? Is there no hope? Are we cursed for this annihilation? I don't have any answers...I used to, but not anymore...

The weekend

Moved into the new place last weekend. I had help this time so that helped. I didn't pull my back and didn't sit crying on my apartment stairs and no neighbors had to take pity on me and load my heavy suitcases in the truck. I arranged so that I don't have a repeat of such an event.
By the time I moved out S.N. had gotten over the initial disappointment of my moving out of her condo. She was her true sweet Christian self. She even helped me get my stuff together and took the things I had separated for goodwill off my hands and made the trip herself. I was truly touched and felt good that I had moved out on such good terms.
The weekend went well as Guruji was visiting me :) He accompanied me to the gym and met with my trainer (yes yes I am trying to get in shape and eventually train for the marathon :))It was so weird. I had a flashback of all the times when my parents came to meet with my teachers. Of course those meetings never went as smoothly as this one did. Guruji started harassing my poor trainer with workout related inquiries which he politely answered. I am regularly annoyed by Guruji's obsession with his non-existent fat. He looks like a dried-up prune thanks to his daily regimen of 10-miles walk and a hike up mission peak (elevation of 2,517 feet). But he insists that he must reduce the fat..aaa right, the fat in your head :). Here I am trying to get my sorry ass to the gym day after day and trying to count every calorie I consume so I can reduce the serious fat on my body. And here comes the man who can pass for someone half his age harassing MY trainer. Back off mister!!! lol
Hey Guruji You know I love you and I am so proud of you for your military like discipline. I wish I had half your dedication. But for God sake go and have some Chimichangas and a dozen dunkin donuts and have mercy on those legs of yours.
Speaking of my trainer, I have a huge crush on him lol. Hey that helps with the motivation right?? lol. Well do you blame me. This is the man I see most regularly, he is super sweet and sincere and has blonde hairs and blue eyes. Did I mention he is really really sweet? Crush or no crush I am really focused on getting back in my groove and the trainer and my dried up friend both help me stay motivated and I am grateful to have them on my side :)
So I was talking about moving in the new place. As soon as I went home last night, I realised my room is smaller than I thought it was. The new place has no garage or storage. I think I was sleep walking when I picked this place. Nonetheless It is a nice apartment and I managed to fit everything in and make it presentable. I lay down to sleep last night and I realised the freeway is only a few yards away from my window. It sounded like I was sleeping next to the ocean. Oh well...I will get used to it. It is I-90 which is probably the least busy of all Seattle freeways and I don't go to sleep until midnight. So all in all no complaints. My roommate seems like a wonderful chilled out person, who is only home 4 days a week. So now I am at house number 23 :)
I will sign off now have to do some work...oh ya once in a while i work at work ;)