A long weekend spent with two of my favorite people along the Pacific Coastal Highway and a whirlwind short work week marked by a killer migraine and an annoying anal Systems Analyst later, I hit another weekend running. I am tired and all I plan to do is sleep or enjoy the sunny warm weather that has decided to grace us - the lowly inhabitants of Pacific northwest, with its presence.
The trip down the coast was fun. I absolutely love San Diego. If only I could get a job down there, I would move there in a second. But driving down I realised once again just how crazy LA traffic really is. Of course I still drove fast to my heart's content, which was fun after being stuck under Seattle's 60 mph lame speed limit. And of course Guru ji gave me a lecture on tail gating and asked me ever so often "Whats your rush??". I want to clarify once again dear Guru ji, I do not tail gate and I am an awesome driver. And after patiently witnessing the never ending arguments between Guruji and me for 3 years, M finally lost it and screamed out "Ufffffffffff, Just stop it, you guys have so much stamina for this," Well, Duh!! You didn't figure it out. We love to explain and lecture and argue and then we argue some more. Discussion is the root cause of our flourishing friendship. I mean Guruji and mine, yours and mine not so much ;).
Anyway, on the way back I got a really bad case of motion sickness. The winding route seemed never ending and most of all that had been in my tummy made its way out in whaler cafe's ladies room. Gross, I know. But this in turn caused the killer migraine that has been the bane of my existence since. But that is something I have had to deal with most of my life. And M keeps telling me to push something up my nostril and pass it through the other. Ewwwww sounds painful to me.
So after relaxing this weekend I get all ready to receive my parents who get here on the 6th. I fly down to Cali Thursday just for this. Haven't seen them in about a year. I am excited yet a little apprehensive. Every time I see them after a passage of time, they seem to have grown older and that is both uncomfortable and scary. I guess the toughest part of growing up is to watch your parents become a weaker, slower versions of their former selves. We all want them to be around forever and the prospect of loosing them terrifies us. At least it terrifies me. On top of it I feel all wrong living so far away from them and not utilizing the time I have left with them. I know this sounds extremely morbid, and hopefully they will be around for years to come, healthy and able. It just feels 100 times better when they are visiting us here and enjoying the three babies. I miss them so much. One more week to go.
Oh a trip to the Yellowstone park is on the horizon and since I have wanted to visit the place since I was 10 and read about the park in a national geographic magazine, I am sooo excited :)
Hmm, didn't realise how late it is. Time to hit the sack.
I know I have been changing the look of my blog. Just bored with it. Trying to find the right one. Lets see how long this one lasts.
Soo sleepy. Catch up on some shut eye.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
In the Valley of Elah
Last weekend in Seattle was so perfect. It was just awesome. I also finished my one whole year in Seattle. And even after a whole year I still cant get over how majestic Mt. Rainier is. It is simply amazing. There is a certain spot on I-5 north, you turn a corner on the hilltop and suddenly the breathtaking, grand splendor appears in front of you and you instantly go woww!!!...at least I do. Stunning. So on a sunny day that is one of the biggest perks (for me). You see Mt. Rainier, from everywhere.
The interesting point though of this weekend was a small pro-Palestine display that I chanced upon and that a group of students and teachers from UW had set up in the union square to mark the "Independence Day" of Israel. The display talked about the present day State of Palestine, Gaza and West Bank, the atrocities of war, history of Arab-Israel war and the ultimate hostile takeover of a country and a nation. The Seattle has historically been a liberal city and the Seattlites like to consider themselves very open-minded and tolerant. People read the material, watched the display, asked questions. This is one of those issues so close to my heart that it always brings tears to my eyes. I was tearfully watching and reading and gave one of the teachers an impression that I am perhaps a Palestinian myself. I told him no but I am from a country inching towards a violent future and this is something very close to my heart. One of those overwhelming facts that I can only feel but not necessarily describe. Not having a home, not having the security of a home, not having something that is your own, something that is yours but you cant hold on to, growing up with no hope, no future, no life. Getting so desperate as to resort to killing your own self to prove a point. So much hatred, so much waste, so much bloodshed. For what? Why? When does it end? I am with no one. I am against no one. I don't know what is right. I don't know what is wrong. All I know is that no amount of civilizing, no degree of progress, no level of sophistication can hide the fact that Humans are no better than some feral beasts and will always resort to violence of the worst kind to get what they want. I for one am disgusted.
The lone bearer of the Israeli flag amused me the most as he quietly stood on the corner of Pine and 4th making a point of his own. I wanted to ask him if he is showing solidarity with the Palestinian cause or just reminding us that there is always two sides to a picture.
One word - Genocide. A nation goes through it, survives, gets powerful and makes another nation go through it. That is the history of the world. it has been repeating itself over and over and over again. We are all aggressors. We are all victims. Who do we blame? Who do we feel sorry for?
Perhaps I should have spend my weekend just focused on the Mt. Rainier instead.
The interesting point though of this weekend was a small pro-Palestine display that I chanced upon and that a group of students and teachers from UW had set up in the union square to mark the "Independence Day" of Israel. The display talked about the present day State of Palestine, Gaza and West Bank, the atrocities of war, history of Arab-Israel war and the ultimate hostile takeover of a country and a nation. The Seattle has historically been a liberal city and the Seattlites like to consider themselves very open-minded and tolerant. People read the material, watched the display, asked questions. This is one of those issues so close to my heart that it always brings tears to my eyes. I was tearfully watching and reading and gave one of the teachers an impression that I am perhaps a Palestinian myself. I told him no but I am from a country inching towards a violent future and this is something very close to my heart. One of those overwhelming facts that I can only feel but not necessarily describe. Not having a home, not having the security of a home, not having something that is your own, something that is yours but you cant hold on to, growing up with no hope, no future, no life. Getting so desperate as to resort to killing your own self to prove a point. So much hatred, so much waste, so much bloodshed. For what? Why? When does it end? I am with no one. I am against no one. I don't know what is right. I don't know what is wrong. All I know is that no amount of civilizing, no degree of progress, no level of sophistication can hide the fact that Humans are no better than some feral beasts and will always resort to violence of the worst kind to get what they want. I for one am disgusted.
The lone bearer of the Israeli flag amused me the most as he quietly stood on the corner of Pine and 4th making a point of his own. I wanted to ask him if he is showing solidarity with the Palestinian cause or just reminding us that there is always two sides to a picture.
One word - Genocide. A nation goes through it, survives, gets powerful and makes another nation go through it. That is the history of the world. it has been repeating itself over and over and over again. We are all aggressors. We are all victims. Who do we blame? Who do we feel sorry for?
Perhaps I should have spend my weekend just focused on the Mt. Rainier instead.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
My better half
Did you ever have someone a part of your life whom you loved so much, yet could not stand within a matter of minutes? A person who made your life miserable for many years but one day turned around to become your biggest support, who since then has been there whenever the going gets tough, who has believed in whatever you are doing just because you are doing it, and who in her sweet innocent ways has been so faithful, loyal and loving that you never ever truly felt alone. I have a person like that. A person I have shared everything with, literally. All 33 years of eventful and uneventful life! The clothes, the makeup, the bedroom, the 6 schools, the relatives, the family, the memories, the issues, the stories, the friends, the tears, the laughter, the fights, the power struggle, the long nights, the fears, the triumphs, the 20 houses, just about everything. In other words, she can be me in proxy. The one constant I am so grateful for, the one who I have been so proud of. My dearest sister who has given me years of love, support, tears, bruises, torture, catfights, heartache, friendship, clothes, money, makeup, dating cover ups, laughter, happiness, loyalty, shelter, a wonderful brother and three beautiful boys to love and cherish as my own, precisely in that order.
Seeing my sweet Aapi you can learn what compassion is, what defines strength of character and what is the true meaning of loyalty, unconditional love and support. The one person you will be lucky to have in your corner.
Ours was not always a happy union, far from it. The first 16 or so years of my life, we had a complex relationship. We were sisters so we loved one another, and she sometimes liked to show me off (“Sing a song for my friends”) but I think she found me annoying, and liked to boss me around, and on occasions beat me up. But she was loyal; even then, she was loyal. I was a weird little kid and people liked bullying me and she always defended me. Whatever signifies those years, whether it is our catfights or her undying loyalty and pride in me, they were not the happiest years of my life. My sister was moody and unpredictable and I found it very trying to be around her :). She didn’t share anything with me and I had to sneak around to borrow her clothes and makeup.
But then something happened. My sister turned 19 and became an entirely different person. She was on her way to becoming a doctor, she had a new best friend and she became the coolest older sister. Those were the best days of my life. My sister and I became the best of friends. The subsequent years saw never ending heart to hearts, sneaking out late night to get those KFC zinger burgers, planning the rendezvous with the boyfriend (mine), the study session breaks, the gossip sessions, the picnics, the ice lollies, the long walks, the fights, the making ups, the wedding, the heart ache, the separation, the gifts, the visits, the heart break, the baby, the move, the togetherness, more babies, more tears, more laughter, more life.
She is an amazing woman. She has always stood by what she believes in and has always lived the life with a devil may care attitude. It has always been about her family and now her kids. She is strong willed, determined and focused. She will say what it is and how it is and the world just has to deal with it. She has gone through and is going through some tough times and she may seem less dogged than she used to be (even to herself), but I know that she has the spirit of a fighter and a will of steel and she will bounce back because that’s what she does best. Bounce back!!
Aapi I wish you knew how strong you are and how very proud I am of you. What you have done and what you do every day is no small feat and it makes you extraordinary. You are the same little girl who with her will changed the course of her life and now, as an adult, doing it for the people around you. You have made me want to be a better person and you have helped me be a better person and now you do it for others around you. I have always seen you do more than what is required, as a daughter, as a sister, as a student, as a doctor, as a wife and now as a mother. You are simply awesome, and I take it as an immense blessing to have a sister like you. May God bless you in every possible way.
Seeing my sweet Aapi you can learn what compassion is, what defines strength of character and what is the true meaning of loyalty, unconditional love and support. The one person you will be lucky to have in your corner.
Ours was not always a happy union, far from it. The first 16 or so years of my life, we had a complex relationship. We were sisters so we loved one another, and she sometimes liked to show me off (“Sing a song for my friends”) but I think she found me annoying, and liked to boss me around, and on occasions beat me up. But she was loyal; even then, she was loyal. I was a weird little kid and people liked bullying me and she always defended me. Whatever signifies those years, whether it is our catfights or her undying loyalty and pride in me, they were not the happiest years of my life. My sister was moody and unpredictable and I found it very trying to be around her :). She didn’t share anything with me and I had to sneak around to borrow her clothes and makeup.
But then something happened. My sister turned 19 and became an entirely different person. She was on her way to becoming a doctor, she had a new best friend and she became the coolest older sister. Those were the best days of my life. My sister and I became the best of friends. The subsequent years saw never ending heart to hearts, sneaking out late night to get those KFC zinger burgers, planning the rendezvous with the boyfriend (mine), the study session breaks, the gossip sessions, the picnics, the ice lollies, the long walks, the fights, the making ups, the wedding, the heart ache, the separation, the gifts, the visits, the heart break, the baby, the move, the togetherness, more babies, more tears, more laughter, more life.
She is an amazing woman. She has always stood by what she believes in and has always lived the life with a devil may care attitude. It has always been about her family and now her kids. She is strong willed, determined and focused. She will say what it is and how it is and the world just has to deal with it. She has gone through and is going through some tough times and she may seem less dogged than she used to be (even to herself), but I know that she has the spirit of a fighter and a will of steel and she will bounce back because that’s what she does best. Bounce back!!
Aapi I wish you knew how strong you are and how very proud I am of you. What you have done and what you do every day is no small feat and it makes you extraordinary. You are the same little girl who with her will changed the course of her life and now, as an adult, doing it for the people around you. You have made me want to be a better person and you have helped me be a better person and now you do it for others around you. I have always seen you do more than what is required, as a daughter, as a sister, as a student, as a doctor, as a wife and now as a mother. You are simply awesome, and I take it as an immense blessing to have a sister like you. May God bless you in every possible way.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Conflict
I have never considered myself a very intelligent person. I don’t understand most things brainy. I could never balance chemical equations, solve trigonometric problems, or understand geometric theorems. I especially find myself at loss when it comes to anything related to simple or compound interest. I remember sitting at the Nissan dealership nodding at the salesperson and guru ji as they told me about my principal and interest payments, hoping I didn't look as lost as I really was. I also can never figure out how much tip to give (10% of 21.90 is???). Aptitude tests became my enemy at an early age (word problems have given me many a sleepless nights). I couldn't care less if train A left station B at 3:00 pm and train B left station A at 4:00 pm and the stations are 20 miles apart, at what time will the trains passed each other. Another thing which freaks me out is anything which has a lot special characters (^&**(^}{}{$#@!{*}) and loops and triggers. Yes I tried so hard to grasp the principles of C++ but God bless my poor brain that never did care about how things work. Human minds? Yes! Machines and software? NO!!
I have no idea if this mental deficiency is caused by a birth defect or by my mother’s stern mathematical tuition or by really bad math and science teachers. I did always love my language and history teachers though. Whatever may be the cause of it; my mathematical and scientific deficiencies have convinced me I am probably not the smartest of people. My two masters’ degrees can not convince me otherwise, even though both had plenty to do with all things mathematical…ugh, there is no way around it, is there?
My Brother in Law (AB) recently asked me how much APR do I pay on my credit card and I became completely paralyzed. The words APR freeze my mind and I can no longer think or comprehend anything. AB went on to explain something about my car payments and stuff like that and all I could say was, “what do you think I should do, I trust you, tell me what to do and I will do it” lol!!
After graduating I ended up in the field of information technology and so began the torture that will last me a lifetime or so it seems. I can last only so long. There is only so much code related jargon that I can take and there are only so many brainy people I can tolerate the company of. Engineers freak me out and developers may altogether be from another planet.
The point is that I have convinced myself that I am not smart Math is my nemesis and the world is all about math. Wherever you go whatever you do, it finds you and then you have to do a little more than just add and subtract. I don’t even know why I get a tax refund. I take the money happily but I am not sure how and why I get it.
People think I am smart and they tell me so too, but I just don’t believe them. I feel like I am an impostor, walking around looking oh so intelligent with my two masters degree smartly tucked away in my impressive portfolio. I can talk the talk but fail miserably at the walk and I know it.
So not knowing things technical, mathematical or financial really make me dumb? Does it actually imply that I have sub par intelligence because I have failed to grasp the concept of percentages?
Who decided what is normal or genius? Who decided what is standard? We are so brainwashed into believing what is acceptable and intelligent or what is normal that we get prejudiced against our very own self. And if we are prejudiced against our own self then how can we expect not to have prejudices against others?
I come from a place where if you are not capable of becoming an engineer or can not become a doctor you are basically not smart enough. My world is about words not numbers. My world is about feelings and not logic. My understanding is of emotions and psychology and not theories. I may not be super book-smart but I do have wisdom of my own.
I realize this yet I am convinced I am not smart. What does this mean? What does this signify? That we are all stuck to judge things by the hypocritical and illogical standards created by humans just like us who neither had the vision nor the understanding of what progress is really about. Progress is about change. It is about the people who bring about these changes. People who defy the very standards of normalcy and reject the norms by which the world expects them to live.
I spend the first 28 years of my life in a state of confusion and the next 3 in a state of embarrassment and being defensive about my knowledge and capabilities. But now I have realized what being your own person is all about. I may not know the principles of applied integration and differentiation but I do understand what the characteristics of Dickensian prose are and how they demonstrate the writer’s profound understanding of human psyche and hypocritical societal tendencies of his time (or any time). And I may not understand how a software works but I do know how the unconscious mind manipulates a person and shapes his or her personality based on certain experiences and stimuli. (making me a more tolerant person;))
I just might be smarter than I thought. Lets see 10% of 21.90 is...
I have no idea if this mental deficiency is caused by a birth defect or by my mother’s stern mathematical tuition or by really bad math and science teachers. I did always love my language and history teachers though. Whatever may be the cause of it; my mathematical and scientific deficiencies have convinced me I am probably not the smartest of people. My two masters’ degrees can not convince me otherwise, even though both had plenty to do with all things mathematical…ugh, there is no way around it, is there?
My Brother in Law (AB) recently asked me how much APR do I pay on my credit card and I became completely paralyzed. The words APR freeze my mind and I can no longer think or comprehend anything. AB went on to explain something about my car payments and stuff like that and all I could say was, “what do you think I should do, I trust you, tell me what to do and I will do it” lol!!
After graduating I ended up in the field of information technology and so began the torture that will last me a lifetime or so it seems. I can last only so long. There is only so much code related jargon that I can take and there are only so many brainy people I can tolerate the company of. Engineers freak me out and developers may altogether be from another planet.
The point is that I have convinced myself that I am not smart Math is my nemesis and the world is all about math. Wherever you go whatever you do, it finds you and then you have to do a little more than just add and subtract. I don’t even know why I get a tax refund. I take the money happily but I am not sure how and why I get it.
People think I am smart and they tell me so too, but I just don’t believe them. I feel like I am an impostor, walking around looking oh so intelligent with my two masters degree smartly tucked away in my impressive portfolio. I can talk the talk but fail miserably at the walk and I know it.
So not knowing things technical, mathematical or financial really make me dumb? Does it actually imply that I have sub par intelligence because I have failed to grasp the concept of percentages?
Who decided what is normal or genius? Who decided what is standard? We are so brainwashed into believing what is acceptable and intelligent or what is normal that we get prejudiced against our very own self. And if we are prejudiced against our own self then how can we expect not to have prejudices against others?
I come from a place where if you are not capable of becoming an engineer or can not become a doctor you are basically not smart enough. My world is about words not numbers. My world is about feelings and not logic. My understanding is of emotions and psychology and not theories. I may not be super book-smart but I do have wisdom of my own.
I realize this yet I am convinced I am not smart. What does this mean? What does this signify? That we are all stuck to judge things by the hypocritical and illogical standards created by humans just like us who neither had the vision nor the understanding of what progress is really about. Progress is about change. It is about the people who bring about these changes. People who defy the very standards of normalcy and reject the norms by which the world expects them to live.
I spend the first 28 years of my life in a state of confusion and the next 3 in a state of embarrassment and being defensive about my knowledge and capabilities. But now I have realized what being your own person is all about. I may not know the principles of applied integration and differentiation but I do understand what the characteristics of Dickensian prose are and how they demonstrate the writer’s profound understanding of human psyche and hypocritical societal tendencies of his time (or any time). And I may not understand how a software works but I do know how the unconscious mind manipulates a person and shapes his or her personality based on certain experiences and stimuli. (making me a more tolerant person;))
I just might be smarter than I thought. Lets see 10% of 21.90 is...
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