I do or i don'ts?

When do you know a relationship is over? When do you know that you have given it your all and staying any longer would just damage you and your partner as a person and now it’s time to just move on? How do you know when to give up?

I was brought up in a culture where people married for life and under no circumstances a thought of moving on ever occurred to either partner, even if they knew it was pointless and even if they had evidently given up. They stayed together, no matter what. They had families to think about and children and society. Besides in a world defined by self-sacrifice, who ever thought about his or her own self? That was simply unacceptable; in fact it was downright selfish. And even if someone realized the adverseness and futility of their situation, they would not dare walk out for fear of becoming a social outcast and be doomed to a life of loneliness, rejection and virtual isolation. People judged and were judged for the very intimate and personal actions and decisions they made. I have seen and known hordes of people, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends, who have nothing in common with their spouses and are not even friends let alone lovers but are sentenced to a life of unwanted, undesired companionship.

On the contrary I now live in a world where people marry for love and love alone. Of course there are few who marry for money but I shall exclude them from this discussion since that can be deemed to be more of a business transaction and not necessarily a marriage. So people here in the west marry for love and love alone, not for society or parents or any of the other reasons, or at least that’s what they claim. Regardless of the reasons behind the union, the option of breaking up is always open. It is acceptable, even normal since 40 – 50% of the unions end in spouses parting their ways; they are not under scrutiny for their actions as much as their eastern counterparts. So in the absence of this societal pressure, it is much easier to be honest and objective about the future of a relationship. There is no do or die involved nothing to keep the couple intact after the departure of love, passion and intimacy. Life is too short right? So why waste it to salvage a deadbeat or even only a trying situation and instead just move on.

To me these are the two extremes and like any other situation between two extremes lays the middle path, which perhaps is probably the most logical and feasible. Are we too quick to judge and give up on something or are we really just trying to drag a dead horse across the finish line? How do we decide which is which and how do we decide it’s time to give up or its time to dig in your heels and fight for the remnants of the original beautiful and promising companionship?
To me the answer lies in finding out, what do I want from myself at this stage in my life? What are my priorities? How is life different from when we had started this journey? How has she/he changed? How have I? Do we still match up or can work to match up? Do we want the same things? How much have we damaged each other? Can we get past the hurt? Are we still a team? Are we even friends? And then asking some of the more obvious questions like can I actually stand this person without him/her creeping me out or without me feeling the need to correct this person or change him/her or can I actually ignore the obvious flaws and can look past them to see what I saw Day 1 or Day 15? What not to see is does this person still electrifies my world, gives me butterflies in the tummy or send tingles down my spine as to me those will always go away. It doesn’t matter if you are married or not, you have kids or not, been with each other 5 months or 5 years, it is never too late to start all over again; if it really does suck, you can actually open the door and walk out. But let’s be honest, if you are really looking for a long-term relationship all these questions will eventually become relevant, almost always and almost always you will have similar issues and problems, so giving up in haste, will that actually make your life better or will it mean that you will go through life wondering and regretting and repeatedly loosing what can be a lifelong companionship? Ask these questions, seek the answers, the solutions, be honest, estimate the damage, expect less, and accept more. And if after all this analysis it still sucks and you just don’t want to deal with this anymore, then you know, it’s time to declare bankruptcy and moving on to the supposedly greener pastures.

Serenity NOW

I suck at life when I am the perfectionist, control freak with high OCD tendencies and sky high gargantuan expectations. I obsess incessantly, I judge and stress and make a mess of things that are actually going well in my life. On the other hand when I am my sane self, truly taking things as they are and only focusing on what I can change, then the positive waves I radiate create a serene milieu for me to grow in and get blessed with all that is good, in the right amount and at the right time.
This reminds me of the famous Serenity Prayer that probably should become the mantra of my life, the positive affirmation that I should recite to myself in the bathroom mirror every morning as I shine my pearly white.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is,
not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Another Home...another potential move

So, currently I am in an odd living situation. I mean I like the place but then I don't really like the place. Its cheap and its convenient (a 5 mins commute in Los Angeles, literally...what more can one ask for), fairly centrally located, almost next door to the LAX and we all know that a Southwest 737 is my second home, but its messy, really messy and it stinks (It literally stinks), and it has spiders who make me all itchy, and my face was eaten by some crazy ass American mosquitoes last night who apparently don't know that u don't bite a human face...I look like a person with chicken pox), AND it comes with the Pitt bull. The house is old from the fifties and so of course it has plumbing issues. Things are falling apart in there, including...my roommate.
I know I know anyone reading this would ask then why the hell are you still living there, and it is a fair question, but finding housing in LA, not as easy as you would think. Unless off course you are willing to spend half your income. And btw craigslist, please do something about the shitload of scams on your site, I am SICK of it. Oh well, back to the apartment hunting..this was supposed to be temporary anyway....Sighhh
I just realised I sigh an awful lot on this blog...I even have post with a sigh in a title

A New Chapter

I have a problem, a huge one at that. I can only write when I am sad, depressed or bored, in other words when I am at work. So although this blog is not dead, the general lack of activity in the recent months might give that impression, which is owed to my generally volatile work situation. I seriously have missed blogging, coming up with some tongue in the cheek funny and smart post (like this blog is full of them heheh), always looking for something blog-worthy, thinking about issues and finding out how you truly feel about them, the flowing of the creative juices, which makes you feel that your dream of becoming a writer might actually come true one day. Sighhh!! I just might have to hold down a job for a significant period of time just so I can breathe in some new life into this blog, which is now almost near its extinction.
So what have I been up to and what changes have transpired in my life? Well on the surface not a whole lot has changed but then some. After a not so pleasant San Diegan expedition I made the seven hour trip back North, my virtual walk of shame :). Even though it sucked, deep down I was so relieved to be out of that shithole. But as I drove I was feeling the usual anxiety that I feel when I am headed to serve the unemployment sentence of indefinite time on bench and I geared up to bear my certain dive into depression. But upon my arrival in the Bay Area, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I had overnight turned into my old 20 something carefree self again and have acquired the same old devil may care, I-might-die-tomorrow-so-let’s- party-today attitude. And I had the best time ever. Now I didn’t exactly go bar hopping every night or starred in the Girls gone wild video and such, but I did enjoy my time off, waking up late with my three cute boyfriends around me, hanging out with my favorite girls, working out, watching movies, going through the 6 seasons of ‘How I met your mother’ and just good old chilling. With the stress free environment that I created for myself (by not stressing outJ) things worked out better than ever and I got back on project in the good old City of Angels in a matter of a month. That in my wonderful world of contracting is a perfect strike. No amount of crying, whining and stressing had accomplished this in my last three visits to the dreaded bench. Took me forever and made me unbearable for the people around me (or should I say person…you know who you are: P).
So as I drove back down south on the droning I-5, I pondered over what had transpired within the sub-conscious realms of my brain that had resulted in this revived optimistic outlook on life. And the answer is…I am not sure. It may have been just that I had reached the lowest point I can allow my spirits to reach or perhaps I was acting against my nature these past 3 and a half years and my mind just had had about enough. Or maybe I had finally figured out that the negativity that I create around myself only attracts negative energy. Or possibly I decided to finally just let it go and recognize this whole process for what it really is…a means to earn a living, and not allow it to define every other aspect of my life; like all other phases of life this too shall cease to exist.
We all have our fears, the more we fight them, the bigger they get and the more we obsess over them the larger a part of reality they become. We can never be in total control and charge of our lives, but we can control our minds, in fact that is the only thing we can ever fully conquer. Happiness, contentment and peace all come from within and can be attained if we can take control of our minds. Only then we can rationalize our ever looming demons and fears, let go of our past negatives and fill ourselves with the positivity that will built the faith that the forces of nature, the universe or God whichever we believe in will take care of our tomorrows and that will allow us to fully appreciate and live out our todays. It’s a theory, but it’s a one that can truly change our lives. I have already started the implementation :)

If I can just sigh

So the haul at San Diego was expected to be long but it has been abruptly cut short thanks to the company's ridiculously crazy structure and expectations and my sudden absence of comprehension of anything and everything related to this company and lack of motivation to even try beyond a point. All five months I have felt I have been running against a wall, trying to move it and get to the other side while the people who are supposed to help me just sit, watch and judge, not telling me anything - conceited bastards. After working 60 hours every week for three weeks they come up with things like the document does not have enough details and when I ask what more would you like to see, they say things like go in the system learn and figure out and by the time I do so my manager tells me I am taking a long time. And maybe I did, I don't know. I just feel low, I feel I failed and I don't like it. I have mentioned I hate not getting things and they are not giving me the chance. Sighhh!! Oh and the funny part is the feedback never came directly, it always came from my manager. And then I call and setup meetings and they just don't show up, no phone call, no email nothing. I am just speechless. The QA lead on my project had said long before I started experiencing all this that the technical managers are very stingy with information and act extremely self- entitled and so new people have a horrific time working with them so good luck. Now I know what he meant. I have never felt this lost at my work place, never, not even when I was teaching Shakespeare to my seventh graders or I was using a fax machine for the first time or when I was a cashier at burger king throughout my first Ramadan in the US. Sighhh My manager said I am a great person and no doubt a great analyst but somehow my skill set and the way the company works just don't match, and she wished she could keep me, and that its mostly them and not me. Oh my God, that's like my first break up all over again. Its not you, its me shit. Right!!! I just realised this is the first time I am leaving a project midway or rather being asked to leave midway...I hate it hate it hate it hate ittttt. UGHHHHHH
I am a contractor/temp/consultant/contingent labor so it is expected that I will not be staying at a company forever and sooner or later the project ends and so does my time at the company, but I will never get used to hearing "I have some not so good news, we will not be renewing your contract." I didn't like it when it happened after 6 months, didn't like it when it happened after 15 months and sure as hell didn't like it this time. Pooja thinks they do like me which is why they gave me a month's notice so I can look for a new project, otherwise contractors get just a day's notice. Been there!!
So in a month's time I will be off to another adventure...wherever life takes me next, I will be ready, reluctant but ready....as always.
Time for another SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh for the ever panicking readers of my blog (as if I have tons LOL), the ones who have no idea what I do for a living, I still have a job, just no project and eventually no income till I find another project, so worry not :)

Hotel California

The place is devoid of a lot of things but beauty is not one of them. The people may not be as pure as one desires them to be but the clear blue skies and the almost lyrical expansive layers of the majestic ocean more than make up for it.

You can sit at the highest point of the Torrey Pines and observe the setting sun sink deeper and deeper into the colossal depths of the ocean like a giant ball of fire, creating hues of amethyst and amber all across the overshadowing sky, casting the last of its golden-red rays across the swelling water that extinguishes the sun's burning existence, bringing the day to an end. As you sit and witness this extraordinary sight, you feel spiritually alleviated, a force bigger than everything else taking root in the very core of your being and all else in comparison just melting away, all the worries, the problems, the real-world induced pain and heartache seemingly eased. Pre-existing faith anew, you close your eyes and breath in the essence of this natural delight and you experience a change in you as if you suddenly control your life, your fate. Holding on to that feeling, that sense of pure and absolutely alive existence you are more rested, more yourself than you are in your entire day living your life, being with people, doing your work.
This to me is the spirit of this place I now call home.

La Jolla at Sunset - without touchups :)

Random...very random

I have a problem...

1. with people who like to sit at the light even when it has turned green. I mean Helloo??? Move your stupid ASS!!!
2. with people who think its okay to bring bag full of food to a movie theatre and then chomp loudly throughout the movie...in my ear.
3. with people who eat loudly, period. You guys are adults, haven't you figured it out yet...CLOSE your mouth when you eat...humans not dogs remember??
4. with people at abc only airing a new episode of greys anatomy once a month.
5. with people who take an enormous amount of time at the checkout counters
6. with sales clerks at the checkout counter who think it appropriate to have loooooong conversations with EVERY SINGLE customer...are you kidding me?
7. with people at customer service who cannot speak English and who cannot understand you or make you understand anything...Note to walmart: time to upgrade your workforce phuaaaaleeese No Habla espaniol or Mandarin or Vietnamese for that matter.
8. with people who fwd chain emails..you know the ones with some religious, medical or moral connotation and that prophesize the doom of your existence and good fortune in the instance that you do not fwd the email to 5/6/7/8/6 or 20 of your friends. Right!!! So who died and made you the moral/religious/social police of the worldwide web?
9. with the people at my work:(
10. with the people who are making the Old Navy ads these days...have you seen the nonsensical crap these people are churning out? Enough with the retardedness (not really a word) already.
11. with the people who send 'exciting business opportunity' emails or text messages or voicemails, after you were stupid enough to be nice and friendly towards them deeming them as innocent fellow Desis. What a quick star way to loose friends and alienate people.
12. with men in general and a few in particular.
13. with desi people who refuse to grow up with time and still rigidly hold on to the ideas, theories and stereotypes that they were brought up with. In case you haven't figured out yet, you can be very annoying. These stereotypes apply to but are not limited to Women, money, life, parents, career, racial groups, ethnic groups, religion, politics, ideologies.
14. with American teenage girls. Build yourself some self-respect, stop dressing so old and selling yourself so cheaply to guys and enough with the crazy hormone induced, mating call like screaming.
15. with having to move every 3-6 months due to one reason or the other
16. with my inability to cook for myself every day, i am so not cut out to be typical desi housewife...thank God my first love didn't work out *shudder*
17. What??? number 17 already....hmmmm. I was just getting started :(
18. with my having so many problems, as K says it Issues In my Tissues

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And so I grow some more

I like to be in control, I like to feel that I have a full understanding and grasp of things at all times. And I want to know where I am and where will I go from here. That is my comfort zone, the known, the regular, the straight forward. When things start to appear overwhelming, larger than life, or beyond the realm of my understanding and control, I start to freak out and take a complete reverse on whatever progress I have made and become mentally paralyzed. I can actually feel a mental block appear out of nowhere and wedge itself between me and whatever it is that I am supposed to achieve or understand. These mental blocks, these sketchy areas become my fears, my nemesis. This happened in 11th grade advanced mathematics and calculus class, it happened when I hit a plateau while trying to loose weight, it is happening at work right now (sigh), and it happened when I went through my very first break-up. I feel disappointed by all the things I did half-way and left them because they became overwhelming and made me loose interest. I am disappointed that I had to be nudged, pushed and wrestled into facing or perhaps overcoming my fears, making me think that I am perhaps not strong enough to do it on my own.

My earliest mental block came at the age of 6 or 7, I am not sure. My father took me to the swimming pool with my siblings and started to teach me how to swim. He wanted me to lay down on his hands and put my head back in the water and let go. I don't remember it but I am sure I must have thought, are you bloody kidding me? What I do remember is completely freaking out, screaming, kicking and yelling and of course my personal best, crying. Everyone at the pool stopped what they were doing to become the audience of my very own Greek Tragedy. I don't remember what Papa was saying, but I am sure he tried to calm me down, but I kept kicking him, until he finally threw me out of the water and asked me to go sit in the kiddie shallow pool. I remember feeling relieved, humiliated but relieved. I wanted to learn, I really loved the water but it was too much to ask, letting go, loosing control, entering the unknown. SO I was relieved to be in my shallow kiddie pool with the 4 year olds. I gave up, I had control but I was sad. Since then other people tried to teach me how to swim, people who knew I wanted to, people whom I told how much I love it, but they all failed. And after a near drowning, my fears were confirmed, this thing is not for me, I am not strong enough and tried to make peace with it.

Over the years my control issues have worsened and it has became harder to get over the mental blocks that I set for myself. I hate the fear of unknown but I have no idea how to let go and just relax and enjoy the moment. I hate not understanding and not knowing stuff, even though I keep telling myself, no one human being is good at everything or knows everything. It is impossible. But of course the world of fears has no room for logic and reality.

But a few weeks ago, some thing happened, not in my life but in the life of someone close to me and I suddenly realised how exhausting this thing has become, this need to be in control, to be aware of everything, yet constantly live in fears and what a huge contrast this obsession is within itself. We all have contrasts in our personalities, some conflict in who we are consciously as opposed to sub-consciously. But it is too much baggage wouldn't you say? Would it be easier and freeing, without it?

So, what did I do? Well, I finally let go of the ledge, and I embraced the unknown. I learned how to swim. In just two days I overcame an almost three decades old fear and by doing so I overcame the biggest of all my mental blocks, the hardest and the most long lasting one. And the feeling compares to no other. I overcame a fear not because anyone forced me to, or nudged me into or because I had no other choice. I did it all on my own, because I wanted to not because I had to. I freed myself of something that had been a larger than life obstacle and which had cemented in my mind that I am not strong enough. This may not be the first time I have overcome something, but this definitely took the most courage and effort and that makes it that much more special.

And yes, it makes it easy and yes it has freed me of unneeded negativity in my life. That's what our fears are aren't they? unneeded, unwanted negativity. If I have no faith in me, in the path I have chosen I will forever be afraid of the unknown. But if I have trust in my own self, in who I am then no matter how low I have gone, or how hard the things are, I will overcome anything. My breakthrough moment came when my instructor asked me to float and pushed me underwater to the floor of the pool, I remained calm, patient and relaxed and sure enough my body slowly moved up and reached the surface.

Lessons learned:

1. Live in the moment
2. Let go
3. Free yourself of fears
4. Have faith in what you know, feel and believe
5. Be strong, calm and patient and you will always reach the surface, no matter how low you are

I am in the big people pool and I am floating and I am no longer sad :)

PING!!!

I chat with M
M is busy
I decide to bug M
I type 'do you love me?' and hit send.
I realise M has not received the message.
The message is sent to some guy
A guy I haven't talked to in 3 years.
Not talked to him since graduation.
we went to school together.
I froze and seemingly he froze.
I type OMG
He types ROFL
I type wrong window
He types ROFL
I stop typing
He types in that case I do
I recover and type hehehe
He types still LOL
Then we catch up.
Typical desi catching up, you single yes, me too, yayy, parents giving a hard time, i like freedom, peer pressure, friends changing diapers (their kids hopefully) left right center, feeling anxious, feeling left out, still stuck working in IT, me too, yaar, yeah too bad.
I lecture him about how marriage will be the end of his life, his freedom and he should only marry a girl out of choice and that he shouldn't have a hard time finding one since random girls are asking him if he loved them.
He laughs some more and asks me how did I get my parents to let up the marriage pressure off off me.
I impart wisdom" lots of patience and hard work and some turning 34 which makes me a dinosaur in the desi marriage market, and convincing them that as good human beings they cannot knowingly make life hell for a nice, good looking, educated Pakistani guy from a good family by marrying him off to me :)"
He stops typing.
I type ROFL
I sign off

Getting Over.....where????

Life is all about getting over things. Get over adversity, get over sickness, get over challenges and obstacle to reach a certain goal, get over depression, sad times, heartaches, get over financial hardships, get over being mistreated, get over disappointments and of course related to all this get over people.
You meet so many people during the course of your life that it is actually impossible to keep connected with all of them. It is also quite impossible that you would want all of them to be a part of your life, since you may not like most of them or most of them may not like you. Regardless, people come and people go without you having the need to actually get over them.
But then there are those people who enter your world to touch it in the most special way, they impact you, your life, the way you see the world, in the most significant manner. It is special, the time you spend together, even if at the time it may seem quite ordinary, but it just might be influencing who you will become for the rest of your life. They are parents, siblings, friends, relatives, teachers, lovers, or sometimes they are all of them. You share a bond with these people, a special connection that can get you through hard times, times of self-doubt and struggle, times of loneliness and frustration, times of disillusionment and disappointment. They make you want to believe and live and love, they make you feel that you can do anything in the world as long as they are there standing by your side, rooting you on. They love you for who you are, and accept you as you are. You trust them, you rely on them, you grow in their company, no matter what your age, you are happy when they are with you, no matter how hard the times. They become your guardian angels.
But then there are those, who do nothing for you, yet they hold this same degree of importance in your life. They are just bright and happy people who may not even be aware of how much they mean to you, but you cherish them, because you love who they are.
And then there are those few whose lives we have touched, we have given them knowingly or unknowingly and have never felt its impact deep enough or long enough to realise that we have become something special to them. You may or may not realise your importance in their lives but you will always find them, in your corner, quietly admiring you and making you feel special.
No matter how these people come to matter in your life, whether through mutual admiration or via one-sided, loosing them is the hardest thing of all to recover from. It doesn't mater how you loose them, what is worth noting is that when they leave, you feel a part of you has left with them and no matter how many people you may have in your life and how much love you receive, you never feel whole again. A part of you is lost forever. You are not the same again.
People die, they move on, you move on, everyone has their reasons, who cares. The bottom line is, you have lost the connection, that support, the understanding, the love, the friendship, the comfort, its gone.
You loose money, you work two jobs get it back. You loose a house, heck it was never really yours. You have obstacle and hardships, time heals all, it changes, you get on with your life. But what if you loose a parent? a loving sibling? a wonderful friend? a passionate lover? What if they abandon you? What if they change? What if they betray you, hurt you so badly that you may not be able to trust again? What then?
I have always had these questions, and even though I have lost a few loved ones along the way, I still cant seem to find the answers. I used to think perhaps time is a great healer and eventually you get over everything, but now I am not so sure.
Of course, we move on, we laugh again and meet new people and get successful and we may even forget remembering these lost few, but do we really get over them? Maybe the pain disappears, but do the scars ever go away? We live our lives weighed down by the baggage of these losses, their shadows casting soft darkness over our behaviors, our habits, the way we deal with other people, the decisions we make, the manner in which we form new relationships. Our expectations are forever adjusted and we are forever fearful, of repeating a mistake, of loosing another friend, of bearing pain again, of feeling alone again, of falling down and never being able to walk again. Yes, we live in shadows. Some people may be ghastly aware of this, while some block it all out to live their lives in a peaceful delusional state, but we all have our shadows.
All this pondering makes me believe that perhaps we are not supposed to get over these people. These people hold the most significant of our memories, the most profound of our influences, the most remarkable of our experiences and the most wonderful of our associations. When they left they also taught us the harsh realities of this life, the bitter and ugly truths, which helps us become stronger and somehow wiser (of course this is not true in a lot of cases) and grown-up. Maybe cynical and bitter as well, but that is a choice.
Regardless of whether we like it or not, they remain a part of our lives one way or the other and forever influence the deepest working of our sub-conscious minds, while posing great challenges to the loved ones still dealing or putting up with us.
I guess we are better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

The shinning star on my Dark night sky

I often mention Guruji on my blog but have never ventured into talking too much about him. For someone who has really influenced me in so many aspects of my life, I have never dared write a post about him. Why? Well because Guruji doesn't like to be talked about. He is very private and likes to keep his life, his work and anything to do with him, under the wraps. He has so much to offer other than just the minute details of his life, that he manages to keep your focus away from him. He is smart, perceptive, funny, caring and just so easy to be with. He has single-handedly made my life (and even M's) so much simpler (if we have a problem, we just go to him and he has a ready-made solution :)). He is like no one I have met or know. he is simply amazing and somewhat annoying at times, with his almost perfect approach to anything and everything.

Today I decided to write about him because I wanted to do something or say something without being in his way. I know when he feels better he will read this and so I want him to know how proud I am of him, for everything he does, for all that he has done, for being who he is. I have seen him always be there for people he loves, he cares about, with a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, his calm sage advice and his perceptive outlook on life. I have also seen him be honest and open about his opinions and his beliefs and I have also seen him put them into practice and stand by them, which to me is truly inspirational. I know we have had our differences - I have been unreasonable and trying and he has been harsh and annoying, and I know I don't agree with anything he says from the get go - I am defensive and he in my opinion can be opinionated :), but I have always considered myself extremely lucky to have him on my side, because there is no one else I would rather have, since he not only helps me in trying situations but also keep me in the light of reality at all times (I so hate that Guruji, but I need it).
I know he hurts today, more than he has ever hurt before, and it is really hard for me to be so far away and just watch helplessly as he goes through this pain, all closed up, never reaching out, because that's how he likes to deal with things.
Guruji, I have no idea what you actually feel, but I have some inkling because this after all is the manifestation of my own worst nightmare, something the inevitability of which haunts me all the time. Also, knowing you, knowing your hopes and desires, I know how harsh this must be for you. I know we all at some point or the other go through this pain and perhaps there is no avoiding it and so I am sorry, for you pain and for your loss. I pray that God gives you the courage to walk past this with as much dignity and strength as you can. I have seen you overcome all other adversities that you face in your life, but I am pretty sure that this is the mightiest of them all, so please know that you are not alone in this. All the people that have become a part of your life, those who love you and those who you have always stood by are there with you, with there support and prayers, least of all me :).
I know Guruji that his was a simple, sweet and gentle soul and I pray that it always rests in peace. Take care

Free Spirit stands for other Other Free Spirits

Tillikum the 22 feet/12,000 lb killer whale killed his trainer at a Sea World show in Orlando. It was the breaking news all day yesterday. People expressed shock and surprise, sadness and anger with as much drama as any average American produces when placed in front of a camera. (Yaaa and we are the emotional ones). News reporters uncovered the "checkered" past of the male Orca which has sired 17 calves over his long career with the Sea world, while the camera showed the clips of the 'beast' in an isolated tank as if he is some criminal awaiting his sentencing.

Now of course it is sad that the trainer lost her life and it is awful that so many people actually witnessed the horrible incident, but I don't understand why the poor Whale is being labeled as some crazy, murderous monster. And I also don't understand the shock that something like this has happened. He is a FISH and that too a Killer whale, a magnificent mammal who has lived most of his life in captivity. He was born in the wild and I bet it is quite an adjustment from swimming in the Icelandic Atlantic Coast to being held in a tank which is probably the size of a bath tub for him. These animals are smart and wonderful creatures and don't get me wrong when I saw them at Sea World it was so amazing but, why are they paying such a high price to provide entertainment for us crazy, self indulgent human beings? And then when they lash out or react, we are shocked and surprised? Perhaps Tilli was just playing and didn't realise how fragile humans are since none of the trainers ever got in the tank with him. Apparently his violent history has caused the authorities to put a special set of procedures for his training. He is not used in waterworks and trainers believe he doesnt know his own strength I'm pretty sure he was not hungry, since the tiny woman was nothing but a lamb chop for Tilli.

I was reading about the incident and read the statement of the Seaworld spokesperson and according to him Tilli was having a great time and he is a great animal and that even though they are not sure how they will proceed with the animal after this incident, they are not going to "put him down". What??? Why would he be put down any way. You drag the poor animal out of the wild, make him do silly tricks every day for the next 20 odd years of his life, keep him in captivity, using him as a mating device (I'm not sure if he disliked that), keeping him isolated from the rest of the whales because of his size and then when he reacts based on whatever natural instinct that he acting on, you put him down? You bet your ass he wont be put down.

According to a marine biologist killer whales in the wild live in family groups, and males stay with their mothers their entire lives. Family members rely on each other for social structure and play, and they cover hundreds of miles of ocean, She also said they do need more space, and situations like that do cause a lot of stress for them, most likely.She said Tillikum had a "flopped fin, something seen in captivity but not much in the wild. How sad is that.

Interestingly, Tillkum is close to one other Whale Taima, who is kind of an outcast herself, having attacked two of her own calves she was put on birth control and separated from other animals except Tillkum. Their child Sumer is the star of the Shamu show in San diego. Wow sounds like a movie, outcast mom and dad and child abused but goes on to become a superstar LOL

Anyway Sea world contends that the animals are useful for research and perhaps for us to get a chance to observe them and what not, but based on what I have read, whales in captivity are not as good of subjects as the ones in the wild. Neither are any of the other animals. But it sure is hell of a way to make billions of dollars.

I think Tillikum should be set free. He is obviously wanting out. God he just reminds me of finding Nemo, only a less PG 13 version of it of course. How awful? He is old enough to retire anyway. They should retire all whales over the age of 15 and release them into the wild just like Keiko - the free willy whale.

I have a free spirit, I love to be outside and have no holds on me. I feel alive. I hate sitting in my office everyday, doing 'work' that does not excite me and frustrates me, but I have to otherwise I will be 'put down'. Given an opportunity I will also grab some of my coworkers from the pony tail and thrash them around a bit. And if it proves fatal, well can you blame me for it :)

FREE TILLIKUM

I believe I can fly

Lately I have been thinking about this whole ABCD thing. No I have not developed a problem with the English Language alphabets, I am talking about the term ABCD. To those who don't know and who are coincidentally the people living under a rock, ABCD stands for American Born Confused Desis. To those who don't know and who are coincidentally the people living under a rock, people from the Indo-Pak Sub-continent refer to themselves as Desis meaning a person from their country as opposed to a Pardesi which means a foreigner. Now the ABCDs are the second or third or even fourth generation Desis born to American immigrants of Indian or Pakistani descent. The name, undoubtedly given to them by a Non-Resident Desi, is in no way meant to be derogatory term, contrary to what many ABCD may have you believing. They are called that because many believe them to be lost and confused about their true identity, culture and heritage. They are caught in the middle of two contradictory ways of life and sets of morals and values, one being that of their own country, followed by their American friends and the other forced on them by their parents and family, which results in utter confusion, usually further heightened by frequent trips to their ancestral homeland.
In retaliation the ABCDs call us lowly international students and newly migrated members of the American work force as 'FOBs' which of course is not a new term and has always been used to describe the new immigrants as "Fresh off the Boat". Derogatory? Maybe, but that is not the focus of my recent musings.
Is the term ABCD still relevant? Can the naturalized Asian Indian/Indian American/East Indian American citizens still be considered confused? After being a part of this society for almost a century are they still looking for a sense of belonging? Are they still suffering from an identity crisis? Slowly and steadily they have become fully integrated and incorporated into the various sectors of this society. They are the IT gurus, successful CEOs, politicians, presidential advisers, Scientific geniuses and entertainers. And since the stereotype of a Desi has changed from a Motel/gas station/liquor store owner to that of an Engineering/mathematical/software genius, the ethnic group has risen in stature, its culture being hailed and accepted, and it is getting incorporated into the various aspects of the society. With this change, I believe, the ABCDs are becoming less insecure and developing a more confident sense of belonging and an association with this country. So I guess they are not as much of ABCDs as they once used to be.
But whenever I look at people around me, people I know, co-workers, friends, friends of friends, people from my generation and the generation after, I realise that in actuality it is we who are really confused. Who are we? We are the post-Internet globalized 21st century Desis, who are still desi enough to consider arranged marriages, but are Americanized enough to have the sense of space and personal freedom and satisfaction. We have all fallen victims to our parents' guilt trips and harsh parenting skills, which ensured that we remain under-confident, lacking of a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem and feeling that if we ever think of ourselves we are extremely selfish and there is no one worse than us. We still live under a gigantic cloud of parental, societal, religious and personal expectations, mostly unrealistic. We mostly find ourselves in the fields of engineering, medicine and IT and we also mostly find ourselves hating it and being miserable. What made it worse is that we got exposed to the other side of the world, to the things that could have been and can be, things that should have been and should be. We are not necessarily rebellious, but we are dying with the contradictions swimming around in our heads, contradictions between what we want to do and what we have to and should do, between what we have been told is right and what we KNOW is right. We have come to realise the societal and religious hypocrisies that is a part and parcel of the two Desi societies and we hate that we have to participate in these ideas and worse that we have to make them our own. And no matter how old we get or how self-aware we become , or how independent we may be, we are still rooted in the cultural and moral values and societal and parental expectations, even though we don't believe in many of them.
I (and I know for a fact that I am not alone), found myself to be misfit from the day I was born. I never felt like I belonged, anywhere. I didn't agree with many things around me. I did believe in the values that were given to me, but I didn't understand why people lived their lives in complete contrast to those values. I didn't agree with being like everyone else, behaving like everyone else. I didn't want to study what everyone expected me to study, I didn't agree with how people treated other people. I hated the class difference, the double standards, the way people treated and considered love. I thought I was a freak, a view shared by many, many and I may add another many, people. I tried so hard to fit in, didn't work. I tried so hard not to fit in, well that of course didn't work. Anyway life happened, years passed and I landed in the US of A. I thought I was free. I could finally learn who I was, be who I am and discover what I wanted in life, you know all that Oprahish stuff.
But guess what? When I came here, I brought an excess baggage that I had no idea about but have to pay a very high price for. The Gigantic cloud of expectations, the societal prejudices and the last but not the least guilt! Sounds familiar?
I and other Desis like me are living with this baggage. Day in and day out, we struggle to break free of it and finally be who we want to be and do what we want to do, but the guilt holds us back, we have become our own society, our own parents our own annoying bu'aas and Phoopos with their judgmental and disapproving looks and irritating Haa haeyyys. Contradiction. Our lives turned around, we are still confused and still struggling. And hence the new term ACDs - Americanised confused desis :)
To the people who read this, who I know are just as ACD as I am, and to myself I say...let go. Let go of who you think your parents want you to be, let go of who the society expects you to be with, let go of what you have been told marriage should be like, let go of the societal criteria of success, of a good spouse, a good man, a good woman, a good child and a good life. Let go, be free, live and let live, and be true to who you are. Distinguish between what about our values and culture is good and fair and what is a truck full load of crap. Our culture gives us more good than bad, we just have to dig deeper.

Guess Who? Boo

One of the girls I shared the corporate housing in the Bay Area with told me how deathly afraid of the dark she is and how it scares her to be alone in the house specially at night and is unable to sleep by herself..I mean by herself in the house..not in the bed...or perhaps...hmmm...I am not sure. Anyway, so she wanted to know if I will be there every night so she can start sleeping in her own bed and not go to her friend's apartment. Instead of answering her query, which I found annoying (what am I your babysitter??), I asked her what exactly was she afraid of since we live in a secure gated complex, and we are poor, and don't exactly have sexy hot looks to entice the minds of serial rapists; although I am not sure what entices the minds of serial rapists, but nonetheless I didn't see anyone getting so desperate and breaking into the apartment and stealing the girl off of her *cough cough* youthful innocence, if you know what I mean. Also, I don't believe there is as yet an East Indian Chapter of the Klu Klux Klan operative in the Bay Area, who raid houses at midnight for some brown assed lynching. Perhaps because some East Indian are of Aryan descent or maybe because they are yet to notice the almost hostile take over of the region by the ethnic group, but that's not the point. I just wanted to know in the absence of these logical reasons for being fearful, why was the gal still so paranoid and paralyzed with fear (yes I exaggerate, but you should know that by now, that's just what I do).

In response to my questions she looked at me as if I was some creature who had just stepped out of a flying saucer and had greeted her with a "Hola Amiga" and then she said that there were other paranormal creatures out there (I distinctly felt a 'like you' in between those lines) who get attracted to empty dark houses, specially the ones inhabited by lonely young girls, whom they then start haunting. I blinked several times to see if there were any signs of her bursting out laughing and saying 'Just Kidding!'. But nope, nothing. Zilch, Nada. Not even half a smile. Ooookaayyy. Now it was my turn to give her one of my oh-you-are-one-of-those looks.

Suddenly I was even more annoyed than before when I had felt I was her babysitter. I am sorry but what a bunch of bull-shit. Listen girlie you are not really a damsel and distress, you are no longer 7 and it definitely is not cute that you still believe in the monsters under your bed. Give me a break. You decided you want to be a grown up and have a career and become a traveling nomadic consultant and then you expect to be with people 24/7. What is wrong with you? Attention whore much, are you huh?

Am I totally over-reacting? Am I being too harsh? Of course I am! All my life I have come across girls afraid of the ghosts and monsters and sleepwalking zombies and what not, but isn't there an age limit to that? Don't you eventually figure out that you can go to the bathroom without your bolder cousin standing guard at the door? Or that your cousin brother is still your brother even with his eyelids rolled inside out? And that if you are afraid of the dark you just keep a night light on? Helloooo? It annoyed me even when I was 7, even though my Nani Ma would tell me all sorts of ghost stories but I never felt haunted. Maybe because I always slept alone or maybe because I am an Army brat, or perhaps I was wise beyond my years. Hehehehe, okay the last one had me cracking, but that's just how it is. I get very very annoyed when a grown woman says oh I am so afraid of ghosts and monsters and chain-saw wielding zombies instead of saying oh I am so afraid of getting robbed and raped in broad daylight.

Yes of course its okay to be scared. When did I say it is not? Be afraid, be very afraid, but be afraid of things tangible and real not something which is an extension of your active imagination and disturbed childhood. Heck I am afraid of loads of things. In fact I am a regular chicken when it comes to things beyond my control like roller coasters and crazy rottweilers or just regular sickness and disability. For all i care, you can scream like a banshee when you see a lizard or a rat because you have to admit they are just gross but not a cockroach, that's where I draw a line, they are really harmless and you can kill one just by stepping on it, so not a roach but a rodent, yes...scream to your heart's content. But don't be all oh I saw the balcony door move by itself. Yes it moved, it is a balcony door and it is very windy. Please, logicalize your fears. And don't even get me started on the horror movies. If they scare you, don't watch them.

Anyway, I told the jumpy girl that I am never home at night since I mostly stay at my sister's, which pretty much guaranteed that I have the entire apartment to myself the rest of my stay. Well most of it anyway but then I had another roomie, who is not really afraid of anything at all.

Just a thought. Based on my track record, now that I have vented and ranted about all this, I am pretty sure Paranormal will suddenly become normal in my life and I will be spotted by some zombie or the other who will mark me as its soul reason of existence or whatever the hell they mark people for. Oh man, I had to open my stupid big mouth.

The Mother of all Comebacks

And I am Back!!!

So after a sabbatical of over 3 months, I am back at work in Sunny San Diego, CA. Quite a contrast from the gray skies of Seattle. From one end of the western coast to the other. Am I excited? Well, considering how wonderful San Diego is and how much I wanted to stay in California and how little choice I had in the matter, I think its safe to say...Hell Yeah!!!!!

Work is how it usually is during the 1st week, slow and extremely sleep inducing. Lot of administrative mambo jumbo, which I hate. The office lacks a cafeteria, but the private office with a door and four walls more than makes up for it. You read it right a DOOR and WALLS. Not a cubicle, an actual office. Of course when I stretch I can almost touch the walls, but its an office nonetheless. Besides we have to keep in mind that I am a fairly tall person with fairly long arms, so the size of the office becomes completely relative. My manager is a seemingly nice lady with an extremely pronounced valley-girl accent, but I am somewhat wary of her, mostly because I have never actually had a female manager before and from what I have heard and observed, they can be quite the bitches. They way she talks is funny, reminds me of this SNL character that Kristen Wiig plays, Penelope.

Anyway the good thing is I am back at work, which is always hard but welcome after such a long break. Especially a long and stressful break. It's like your brain had been frozen yet somehow became covered with mold while living in a 2000 year old mummy coffin and then suddenly it needs to be used again and it actually requires the force of your entire being to kick-start it without being discovered passed out at your desk by your new Boss and coworkers. What a dilemma, yet somehow I am able to type this with my eyes closed.

Not a lot happened while I was away, other than the coming true of the worst fears and nightmares of most educated, conscientious Pakistanis. Destruction has finally come knocking at our doors, heck what am I saying, its not knocking at our doors, it has actually blasted past the doors and is already playing havoc with the lives and minds of the entire nation right in the middle of our living room. Its mind-numbing what is happening, and that's exactly how I feel...numb. And that's precisely how I need to feel to operate as a normal human being, but it is hard, especially when every day there is some news story about a new devastating incident comes circulating towards me, mainly through my Aapi. I just pray to God that some miracle spares the lives and homes of many many innocent, faithful and harmless people, who don't even know the first thing about terrorism or why it has made itself so comfortable in our home. They are not wayward, the are not Americans, they are not evil non-believers. True they have lived a submissive life, they have been puppets in the hands of a few feudal landlords, corrupt politicians and judiciary, they haven't held themselves accountable morally, legally or socially for a lot of problems that the country faces. True they didn't educate themselves, or instigated a revolution against the few corrupt elites, true they didn't fight hard enough to reform the country's political or social setup. True they got frustrated but never took action against the people actually responsible for their suffering and instead turned to abusing the weakest amongst them. But does this make them bad? Does this make them evil? Is it okay that they suffer for the actions of the so-called kings of this world? Who is doing what and how are they justifying it to their consciences, it is just beyond the mental and moral understanding of this blogger. All I know is that it never is how it appears to be.

This was enough of the real world for me and now I will escape to my American wonderland, that my superficial life has become. Of course, these days even to enter an amusement park you have to pay a very very high and heavy price, so it ain't no picnic on this side of the spectrum either. To dream is not to escape anymore, which I guess is the part and parcel of growing up or should I say growing older. Older and wiser. I read somewhere that as women grow older they feel more and more self-empowered yet at the same time, more and more insecure. How true is that? As we grow older we get a lot of understanding of who we are and what we need and what we can or cannot control in this world. Yet at the same time, since so much importance is put into a woman's looks and age that it makes us feel very very vulnerable and unsafe. It took centuries for us to become this brainwashed into thinking that because we are older we have something to be ashamed of. We are made fun of, skin-care products and plastic surgery is made to be our best buds, while younger women are pit against us as our arch Nemesis. We constantly compete with one another, until we get more wrinkled and stressed out and then our biologies turn against us and we are forever doomed to an existence plagued by incessant mood swings and intermittent states of extreme hot or cold. And men...they just loose their hair and some not even that. Life...so fair and wonderful...NOT.

Hmmm, where was I? Oh yeah San Diego! Its 73 degrees outside...awesome sunshine...perfect perfect day...and it is my lunch hour so what am I doing still typing? I shall go now but I shall write more frequently, now that I am back at work ;) See ya...Oh and a very happy new year to everyone.

Here is to a new chapter of my life...to La Jolla...cheers