Vent today...gone tomorrow

I hate know it alls. I absolutely can't stand people who seem to think they have a total and complete grasp of what life is all about, and how its various challenges and issues should be dealt with. They may have their own short-comings and weaknesses that people around them deal with, but when it is their turn to bear with others' downtimes, they get into this overtly sage-like mode, where they look at you or listen to you with an air of "oh you stupid, poor, dumb miserable child, feeling all these non-existent feelings, and going through these make-believe issues", and somehow every time they talk it seems like they are talking at you. Communication is a two-way street, helloooo!!

People like this have an answer for every question (even for those which have not been asked) and solution to every problem (even ones that don't even exist), and then they will state the obvious, because at some level they believe the world is full of dumb people, who remain oblivious to the obvious even when it hits them smack in the face. Add to this their belief that others' best is never good enough and perhaps others are only faced with a problem because they have done nothing to eradicate it. Yes, because we are that dumb.

Oh and people like this also think actions are always the best thing and words almost always are crap, because life is always that simple, right? And you always know what steps to take and what actions to undertake, always. Bull!!!

Of course 90% of the know it alls are men and if only I could box my out of every conversation with every logical and practical man in this world, I would probably be crowned the heavy weight champion of the world within the next 24 hours. Mohammad Ali has got nothing on me. Why oh why are men the most infuriating creatures in the world? Why do they have to think every observation made on the current state of a depressing and trying situation is a whine? Why do they assume that just because we are trying to talk about the difficulty of the present circumstances, we are doing nothing, NOTHING to make it all better?

I am a woman, a strong, independent woman who has always made her way out of her various troubles, by hook or by crook, every single time, without the aide of the whole world. I have taken whatever steps are needed to make a miserable condition better and it may not have been swift, but it has always been long-lasting and I am eternally grateful to my God for that. But through it all, there is one and only one thing that I have desired from the people around me and that is to listen to my crap, promise me their undying support and pretend to be empathetic, always EMPATHETIC! Not judgmental, not patronizing, not critical, not impatient, just empathetic. And you know why I can demand this HERCULEAN effort from my near and dear ones, because I am sure as hell there for them when they need me, in whatever capacity they require me, I am there. Always, period! Oh dear God *gasp* yes i expect!!!

To hell with productivity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Thy Neighbor

So the last post made me think about the things that Indians and Pakistanis do or don’t have in common amongst themselves. Since the 1 billion people living in India are so diverse, thinking that the neighboring 17 million don’t bring variety (read drama) of their own, would be a grave act of misguidance.
Having lived in the US for a certain period of time, I have had a fair amount of exposure to the Indian population. In fact, almost all my dear friends in the US, including sweet M, come from the other side of the border. And of course the fact that I have spent majority of my time in the US in either the Silicon Valley or Microsoft land, gives me enough research material to work with.

As far as the other side of the spectrum is concerned, being an Army brat gives me more than enough authority on Pakistanis from every corner of the country. I also have 33 years of personal experience of being a Pakistani.

Now that I have established myself as some sort of an expert on the subject, I will commence the analysis of similar and dissimilar tendencies of our two South Asian friends. For this post I shall talk about the commonalities, since there seems to be so many ;-)

1. Marriage/Wedding: Yes, we both love our weddings and we both are obsessed with marriages. When I say obsessed, I mean live for it, dream about it; think about it morning noon and night. Our mothers start worrying about our marriages as soon as we turn 18, (or so it seems). Every decision of our life is deliberated on, in relation with its impact on our ability to capture the right spouse. What career we choose, what friends we make, how we behave in public, what clothes we wear, and what food we eat etc. etc. God forbid if a girl stays single past the age of 26 (30 in the guy’s case). Nothing worse than being a parent of a single person. Of course, when such an obsession is satisfied, it necessarily calls for a huge celebration. And so begins a month-long festivity, involving all kinds of rituals and Broadway scale singing and dancing. No matter which part of Indian Sub-continent you come from, you have to be married before 30, or you are basically doomed. And you have to have a wedding out of a Bollywood saga (Remember hum aap kay hain kaun), or…well, or you are basically doomed.

2. Jalebi: May it be a Pakistani or an Indian, from any part of the two countries, the sight of Jalebi will make his heart pound fast, fill his mouth with water, and make his brain spin inside the skull with ecstasy. The gold/orange delicacy is at the core of every South-Asian and just the sight of it can make many a heart tumble with joy.

3. Crying Babies: Wherever you go, a mall, a movie theatre, a restaurant, a street corner, if you hear a shrieking, whiney, uncontrollably hysterical child, you can basically guess, without even turning around to confirm, that the source of this entire racket is a Desi child. 95% of the time, you will be right. I don’t know if it is genetic, or bad parenting or just the fact that the kid knows he is born in a household where his entire life will be spent trying to live up to ridiculously high, unreasonable expectations, that he starts the mourning process so early, but Desi kids love to cry, a lot. I am in no way inferring that non-desi kids don’t cry, no way whatsoever. The 5% margin of error has been spared for the kids of African, African-American or Hispanic origins.

4. Emotional Blackmail: Whether it’s the parents making their single son/daughter agree to get married, or relatives trying to get you to throw the party you never intended to throw, or unwanted people trying to stay friends with you, we as two nations, excel at emotional blackmail. We also know how to do it subtly, unconsciously and extremely randomly. After all we are also passive aggressive by nature. You see we have been taught from an early age to be nice, never say no or whatever is on your mind, never listen to your heart and always follow the norms of the society (we are never told these things, we just learn them). So years of self-sacrifice, self-denial and non-verbal desperation turns us into kings/queens of passive aggression and emotional blackmail.

5. Corrupt Police: Yes police of both the countries is unconscionably corrupt, and collectively abhorred and dreaded by all. We also are the most law-abiding citizens in this country – of course, not taking into consideration the things we do to stay in this country. I guess that’s another thing in common.

6. Internet etiquettes (or lack thereof): If you are one of those people who sometimes scroll down on a YouTube video to read the comments, you will realize how stupid both set of people can be when it comes to expressing their patriotism and nationalism. A video as random as that of a Pakistani kid singing a nursery rhyme can ignite such vile, abusive (read utterly ridiculous) repartee, which would make a drug dealer from Crompton hide his face with shame.

7. Behavior when encountered with another Desi: Here in the US, when we encounter another Desi, we a) tend to pretend that we can see through them (b) might be checking them out from top to bottom, but on eye contact, pretend we didn’t even see them (c) on eye-contact, continue to stare without smiling or any other change in expression (d) when encountered with a friendly and smiling Desi, never ever smile back and just stare blankly or just get confused and nervous.

8. Accords/Camrys/Odyssey: The biggest commonality between the South Asian immigrants in America is their love of an Accord or a Camry. The third car, is the must have minivan for all NRI and NRP moms, which Honda is considering to rename O’Desi.

9. Cricket: Of course! How can I forget? Don’t need to say more on the subject.

10. Cultural and societal hypocrisies (“what?? We are not hypocrites, how dare you?”), aggression while drunk (“for those Pakistanis who do drink. What? There are Pakistanis who drink??”), extreme possessiveness of their women (applies to men only, “What? There are no homosexuals in India/Pakistan! How dare you?”), love of meat (“Haey Raam! There are Hindus who eat non-veg”??), male-dominance (“of course not, we are all equal opportunity employers and we don’t think women are dumb, of course not, you dumbass”), sexual frustration/suppression/confusion (“She said sex!! What shameless girl”), eve-teasing (this includes pinching, touching, kissy noises, bollywood song-singing etc. (“How is that wrong????”).

Dedicated to the people from both side of the border, Happy Independence Day!!

I can be ignorant...but I am very nice

Majority of the Americans especially the politically correct, socially conscientious Caucasian ones, apologize a lot. They also thank a lot. When I mean a lot, i mean A LOT. American people love to be liked. They like to think of themselves as good people and they want others to acknowledge that as well. They are also death-afraid of litigation and so they try real hard to be at their best behavior around people of color and also to make all possible efforts to ensure they don't come across as racist, prejudiced, ignorant, rude and most of all intrusive. One thing American people really respect is the right to ones privacy, freedom and space. Now I am not saying that people just do this to avoid possible lawsuits. Not at all. In fact, I happen to think that Americans are probably, by far, one of the nicest people in the world. I have seen people from other parts of the world here and I can safely say, give me an American manager over a Desi one, any day.

Anyway, the point is that being a Single-Pakistani-Muslim woman, I get apologized to pretty frequently...well, for being single and Pakistani and Muslim and a woman. My life is the very paradigm of suppression, deprivation, suffering and struggle. How I must have fought to break free from the restrictions and constraints of a pre-historic times, barbaric society that does not allow women to show off their bodies...heaven forbid!! Did I have to sneak around to get educated? Did my parents try to marry me off to a sheikh at the age of 14? Did I wear a burqa all my life? Did my family disown me for being single and migrating to the US and living alone? How liberating it must be for me to wear Capri pants? The answers to all these questions lead to a lot of apologies and a lot of "Oh really!! I had no idea." and "that's amazing, your father sounds like a very modern man." Are you patronizing me??? More apologies.

One thing I get apologized, at least once a day, for is being mistaken for an Indian. Of course not a Native-Indian, but a Pakistani's arch-rival, blood enemy East-Indian ("How Dare YOU???"). They get so embarrassed and are so emphatic in their I am sorries, that I almost (ALMOST) wish that I was an Indian just so I could spare them this pain and humiliation. I mean people relax!! This is probably the most honest mistake anyone can ever make. And what do you think I will do anyway? Grab your throat and bang your head against the wall while screaming, "Take it back, you ignorant moron, take it back...apologizeeeeeeeee!!" Seriously!! Of course this is not limited to the American people and applies to every living human being from any part of the world, who knows anything about the now pre-historic Indo-Pak conflict.

What is most annoying is when an Indian him/herself mistakes me for an Indian (nothing wrong with that) and once my true identity is disclosed, the conversation almost always follows into an awkward pause, which is almost always broken by the Indian person saying, "Oh thats OK, its the same thing. There isn't any difference right? After all we were one country once."

OK, just wait right there. I have so many Indian friends that I cant even remember when was the last time I met a Pakistani person, let alone befriended one. And since I happen to truly like and genuinely respect my fellow South Asians, I will impart this very very useful piece of information to you. First of all, when someone tells you where he/she is from, he/she is not apologizing to you for being from that part of the world, and is not asking for you to be "OK" with their places of origin. Secondly, if you are truly a non-political, I-only-care about-the-person-and-not-the-politics kind of person, try not to make any reference to the checkered history of our two countries. No matter how bad the condition of our country may be, we are still associated with 'our country' and we really don't want to be reminded that 'our country' was in fact part of 'your country' some 60 odd years ago. To us "its not the same thing" and "there is a difference" and if we are nodding our heads, we are just trying to be non-confrontational and nice. You are just putting us on the defensive. Most likely if somebody told you they were from Uganda, you would probably say, "Oh wow, that sounds interesting, tell me more about the place." Well, try this on the next person who tells you he/she is from Pakistan. Trust me, its so much better and most probably the Pakistani person would say, "Oh, you know its very much like India, culturally." After all, its time we learn a few things from our politically correct, socially conscientious Caucasian friends :-).

Oh on a side note, we don't think it will be better if the two countries got back together. Trust me, that is a recipe for disaster. When a couple gets divorced citing irreconcilable differences, they almost never get back together to have a second go at it, at least not successfully. They have been known to however, after seeking a certain level of maturity of course, learn to co-exist as friends who have gone through and shared a whole history together.

Coming back to our ever apologizing, ever thanking, forever believing what-the-media-tells-them hosts, its admirable that you guys are the way you are. There is a certain class about people who can show regret and gratitude when required. But let me clarify a few things that you may have picked from watching CNN or even worse the dreaded FOX News. People around the world are not all as intolerant, narrow-minded and America hating as the media has you believing. No matter where the American people will go, especially the former British colonies, I can guarantee that most people will treat you with a lot of love and respect. People may not like the American policies or the arrogance that some of the former governments have behaved with, but they don't hate the American culture or people. Secondly, not all Muslim countries are mullah-loving, Osama-loving, shiaite/america hating, wahabi-fundamentalists. There are regular sufi-loving, tomb-visiting, qawali-singing nations, there are skirt wearing, wine drinking, belly dancing states, and there are a combination of all three, confused, distressed by the fundamentalist, exhausted by fighting other people's wars and politically and economically unstable countries, needless to say like Pakistan.

At the end of the day, knowledge is key, otherwise we are all victims of ignorance. But in the absence of sense, I guess I am OK with the apologies. After all, we have to start somewhere.

My mind thinks better when asleep

I am drained. After a full week of dealing with and listening to marital dramas and traumas, I am just about ready to become a nun. Seriously! I am so glad about being single. So glad. If anyone so much as mention marriage to me I will have to use my newly toned muscles.

Seriously, I have so much to do before the end of this month. Update my resume, look for job opportunities, pack and sort my stuff, reach out to contacts for job opportunities and most of all move out by the end of August. I have M and my parents and potentially Aapi and her family coming for a visit this month. That just leaves me two weeks to get most of my chores done. So, the potential domestic dismemberment of near and dear ones is just making the stress levels worse.

To top it all, my brain faced with a bit uncertain and potentially stressful times is as always going in its sleep mode. When I say sleep mode I mean I can literally go to sleep at the drop of the hat. It has always been the case and is one of the things I blame Ami for. The moment life gets stressful, my system becomes overly sleep and hunger efficient. I am so sleepy and tired all the time. And when I manage to be awake I am super ravenous. I remember when my father had that horrible by-pass surgery and throughhout the episode where the doctors who botched up his graft had no way of knowing which way he will swing, my mom and I used to be peacefully asleep on the two couches outside the Intensive Care Unit. We would get up, eat and go back to sleep. Talk about escaping. It was so embarrassing and I am sure that our friends, family and hospital staff thought we just didn't care. Well maybe we are just such spiritual souls who knew it will all be alright. Rite!!!

It is just something we cannot help. Papa always says when people are stressed out they loose their sleep and appetite, but in my and Ami's case it just gets bigger and better. He thinks we are lucky but, I beg to differ. My last stressful time gave me something I am still trying to get rid of...the extra 200,000 pounds (yes, yes, i exaggerate ;-)). So no I am not happy that I don't loose my sleep or appetite at the first sign of trouble.

And not to complain but whats up with having to continue working at a company that you know doesn't really want you there anymore. It is just such a downer. I guess the best thing about being an employee as opposed to a contractor is that, when employees are told bah-bye, they can take their severance package and be on their way out. A contractor on the other hand has to slog along until the expiration of the SOW so that he can get whatever extra pay. Like I said, it is not complaint; it is just a motivational problem. I still have to work, but my heart is not in it. But what to do. Being the professional I am (ahem, ahem) I am doing the best I can with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

Coming back to the original rant about marital delights, I am so over this idea of something is better than nothing in the context of marriage. You have got to be kidding me. Just because you cannot face the dark, ugly and scary side (life as a single/divorced woman...heaven forbid lol), you are willing to put up with crap that belongs in the 18th century. I know the unknown is overwhelmingly freaky, but trust me living your life with dignity and self-respect makes up for everything else. A person who makes you feel like a nobody, does not care for you. Marriage, friendship, business partnership or professional relationships, whatever might be the reason for two individuals to come together, it should be to bring value to one another and help each other grow and eventually progress together. The manipulation, the games, the power plays, the abuse, the cheating, the torture, the running down of one another. Haven't we had enough? Are we not tired already? It breaks my heart to see good people suffer for being good, for being weak and innocent, for having a heart and for loving. Sad !!

My idealistic, but heartfelt prayer and message is that whoever we are with, a friend, a parent, a lover, a spouse, a co-worker, even a servant, may we treat them with the love and respect they deserve. May we appreciate all that they bring to us and all that they do for us. May we accept them for who they are and care for what they need. May we rule their hearts and minds with love, care and understanding. May we never utter the words that hurt them and never act the deeds that shatter their selves. May Allah broaden our hearts and minds. Amen!!!