Reality Bites

While growing up we all have big dreams and big ideas about what our lives will be like, what we will achieve, what we will do. Sadly not all of those dreams come true, if at all. Somewhere along the way we abandon one dream after another for one reason or another, until we are nothing but regular people settled into our mundane ordinary lives and we have nothing but bills and mortgages, wondering often what life would have been like if any one of those dreams had come true. This wistfulness perhaps never lets us be fully happy or content with what we have. Maybe that's the reason why the idea of getting old and never really going after the things they most wanted makes people do crazy things during the mid-life. They seek some meaning or thrill to compensate for missing out on the desired life of adventure and excitement before they fade into the twilight years of their lives.
I often wonder is life more satisfying for people who go after their dreams and spend years pursuing their passions, doing things they believe they are destined to do in this world? Is it really rewarding to sacrifice anything and everything in trying to accomplish your childhood goals, your teenage whimsies and dealing with disappointments and rejections on a daily basis until you may or may not succeed in achieving your goals. In other words is it really better to have failed then never to have tried at all?
I don't know the answer to that. I guess just like anything else in life it depends. But I do know with me I feel completely restricted and tied down in the mundane 9-5 work week and blow out steam on the weekend lifestyle and in my moments of desperation I go back to to what had been my biggest dream as a teenager, travel all over the world and write about it or have a travel show on BBC or something. The more I think about it the more suffocated I feel. Each day that I spend tied down in front of the computer ends with me feeling like I am serving a life sentence. I am not kidding. Its bad.
I guess what makes me feel worse is that I never really tried to see if I can even make this dream come true, never tried to go after it. I guess I never really believed this was an option for me you know, growing up where I did and knowing what I knew. I just told myself that this was nothing more than a fancy, a dream that can never actually come true. And that just makes me sad :(
I guess part of it came true. I moved to the US, saw a whole new world, met so many amazing people and I am not exactly chained up against my will. No one really dictates my life to me, I come and go as I please, have friends and family and life is generally good. But it isn't the same. I still do a job that I have no passion for and is motivating only because it pays my bill. Somehow trying to stay in this land of free, I actually traded away that very thing...freedom. In the process of obtaining a permanent residence, I settled into this job, accumulated debt, developed an appetite for the material world and got further and further away from the life that I once wanted. And now that I have that status, I find myself stuck, settled uncomfortably in the comfort of status quo. I have too many responsibilities, too many miles on the human pedometer, too much brain and not enough heart. I have to think about buying a home, supporting my old parents, save to make sure the future is secured. No courage..just regrets and fear. The only thing that the logic deems important is security, stability and money. Money!! that's just it.
And so I stay in this life so mundane and regular with its uninspiring job and mountain of bills and worries that I purposefully make it as chaotic as possible by making reckless decisions, marrying to seemingly romantic yet ridiculous ideas, and my very favorite procrastinating until there is no room to do so, just so I can feel excited and alive. I am after all a drama whore. (Yes, I just graduated myself from a drama queen to a drama whore).
But this is no life, no passion, no real ambition just wistful wondering about what life would have been like if I had gone after my dream. Fought for it to make it happen. I am pretty sure life would not be so...pointless. At least I would feel like I took a chance. Sigh! A part of me just wants to become even more regular by obtaining a conventional family life just so it can maybe have a deeper meaning. Yeah like that wouldn't make me feel more tied down and settled.
I tell myself I am being ungrateful that I have a good life and I have accomplished a lot that I had hoped to achieve but somehow it makes me even more restless and suffocated as that would mean I am settling. I am not okay with this. Somethings gotta give.
I think I am having an early mid-life crisis. Don't be surprised if my next post is from some remote town in the middle of the Australian Outback.

Change

Life as I knew it has been altered somewhat with the departure of Guru Ji from my world last year. He was such a constant presence in my life for such a long time that it seems odd not having him there, yet at the same time its almost like he was never there. There is just this emptiness, an odd, dark sad spot in the middle of my soul. Sometimes the spot dims aganst all else that throws light in my life, while at others it becomes the single biggest shadow cast over my entire being that darkens everything around me to the point where I cannot see or feel anything in the present nor can find hope for the future. He was a friend, and for a while a little more than just a friend and for the better part of the time that he was in my life a source of comfort, wisdom and hope. But now for whatever reasons he is gone and I am left trying to make sense of all the whys and hows while ignoring the should haves and could haves.
I don't take too well to loved ones leaving my life and Guru Ji is no exception. Loved ones for me are a part of my soul, they define who I am, where I belong and I treasure them above all else. Through Good times and bad, no matter what...I cherish them. But sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough. Love and care or whatever you offer is just not enough. Something changes, maybe people change, circumstances change. Or maybe it is just the hearts that change. I don't know because I have never given up. Through the worst patches of any relationship with friends or family or anyone, I always felt things will change, rough patches will smooth, just as long as we keep the hope and there is love and care. Pretty gullible and naive I suppose, but that's how I still feel ironically. I guess the cynicism that comes with the death of a friendship hasn't taken root deep enough to cause permanent damage and I guess I am grateful for that...somewhat.
I am seemingly normal, life as well appears normal and the world? Pretty much the same. I hear people tell me the usual things people say when loss hits you ...its only for the best, everything happens for a reason, its better this way, count your blessings, be strong. I think they are all good and valid points. It really is better this way, I really should be strong and grateful and everything really does happen for a reason. I start believing them and then I hear myself agreeing with them. Soon I am laughing and talking normally, all happy and full of life. At least until the next time the dark sad spot takes life.
So yeah...life is altered, definitely altered...

Trying to get back

So much happened last year so many life altering events, that somewhere along the way I lost my capability to write. I kept opening the blog to write something and logged off without hitting the Publish button. So many incomplete posts are sitting in my drafts queue awaiting culmination.

Now that things are becoming somewhat constant, my brain needs an avenue to vent out and rant again. I guess normally it should be the opposite case but then when did my brain work like that of a normal human being's.

See I am in more of a zoombie like state when I am dealing with crap. The most normal reaction during this time is a momentary extmepore sobbing, most likely in my car, followed by a few random yells of "WHY ME??" and flipping of the finger at a few passing vehicles (I am not proud of this).

Once all crap has been ummm well...had, I need to assess and absorb all that has passed (eww I just realised the wordplay here). During this stage the brain is so preoccupied 'assessing', it can barely do much else. It's been hard having a conversation with people without talking about the crap, I can barely keep track of work, it has become impossible to park my car, I keep forgetting stuff (OK that is not really any different than regular times, I should really look into that but I digress). All I want to do is sit in front of the TV and flip through channels and let my subconcsious mind Process and Assess.

But now I am done with this mindless excercise. Its has been exhausting without producing much of a result. I can sense people are tired of hearing me whine, the work is not getting done and I still cant remember things (really that sounds like a bigger issue). So now I have decided its time to engage the brain in something more productive and since I dont have the intellectual capability to develop a car that runs on water, I had to settle for blowing new life into this relic of a blog. And even though I will still be using this space to whine and rant but at least my friends will have the choice to close the browser or surf away if it is too much to handle without hurting my feelings.

To new Beginnings!!!