Change

Life as I knew it has been altered somewhat with the departure of Guru Ji from my world last year. He was such a constant presence in my life for such a long time that it seems odd not having him there, yet at the same time its almost like he was never there. There is just this emptiness, an odd, dark sad spot in the middle of my soul. Sometimes the spot dims aganst all else that throws light in my life, while at others it becomes the single biggest shadow cast over my entire being that darkens everything around me to the point where I cannot see or feel anything in the present nor can find hope for the future. He was a friend, and for a while a little more than just a friend and for the better part of the time that he was in my life a source of comfort, wisdom and hope. But now for whatever reasons he is gone and I am left trying to make sense of all the whys and hows while ignoring the should haves and could haves.
I don't take too well to loved ones leaving my life and Guru Ji is no exception. Loved ones for me are a part of my soul, they define who I am, where I belong and I treasure them above all else. Through Good times and bad, no matter what...I cherish them. But sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough. Love and care or whatever you offer is just not enough. Something changes, maybe people change, circumstances change. Or maybe it is just the hearts that change. I don't know because I have never given up. Through the worst patches of any relationship with friends or family or anyone, I always felt things will change, rough patches will smooth, just as long as we keep the hope and there is love and care. Pretty gullible and naive I suppose, but that's how I still feel ironically. I guess the cynicism that comes with the death of a friendship hasn't taken root deep enough to cause permanent damage and I guess I am grateful for that...somewhat.
I am seemingly normal, life as well appears normal and the world? Pretty much the same. I hear people tell me the usual things people say when loss hits you ...its only for the best, everything happens for a reason, its better this way, count your blessings, be strong. I think they are all good and valid points. It really is better this way, I really should be strong and grateful and everything really does happen for a reason. I start believing them and then I hear myself agreeing with them. Soon I am laughing and talking normally, all happy and full of life. At least until the next time the dark sad spot takes life.
So yeah...life is altered, definitely altered...