On days bright and sunny rare as they are, I venture into the city to enjoy the views of the Puget Sound and hustle bustle of the Pike Place market. It is fun even without any company. It is actually good to be by yourself.
But you know what pisses me off? The fact that when some people see a person alone all by themselves, they assume that he/she is either weird, depressed or worse: open for conversation. Just because a person is alone does not mean she is lonely or pathetic or pitiful. You don't have to look at her apologetically or step away from her because you are not sure what will happen if you are too close and you definitely don't need to try and have a conversation with her. Especially not when she is sipping her wonderful cappuccino enjoying the rare sunny day in Pacific NW. And definitely not about her religious beliefs. Excuse me!!!!
There are things that make you self conscious when you are alone. The fact that almost all homeless people will ask you for money and make eye contact with you, thinking you are only a step above them. After all first sign of poverty is that your friends and family abandon you. Having food by yourself in a restaurant, how sad is that right? You can barely taste what you are eating as you gulp down the food because you can see people feeling sorry for you and your waiter looking almost apologetic.
But all this I can take, I have braved all kinds of eyes and looks and am actually able to smile at homeless people without freaking out. I know of people who wont/cant do that.
But what I cannot understand is that why do religious zealots think it to be their responsibility to target people like me in their quest to spread the word of God. We are alone but not necessarily lost or depressed or in search of God. We are just people enjoying the city and the sun and coffee. The idea that just because I am by myself I am lost and I need to find God is ridiculous. I know God, and him and I are OK. Nevertheless, they approach me, all the time. Maybe I just have a face of a non-believer or perhaps I look lost and depressed. Damn these dark circles.
Anyway last weekend I had a funny encounter of this kind. I was sitting on a bench, watching people go by as I sat in the sun enjoying my cappuccino when a Mexican couple strolled by and started taking pics of the bay. I didn't pay much attention since I was totally focused on this adorable yellow Labrador. I felt the couple circling my bench a few times and I thought that was weird. I tried to ignore them but suddenly they appeared in front of me and sat down on the bench across from mine. This is the conversation that followed:
Jose (I call him Jose coz there is a 80% chance that his name is Jose)': Hi
Me:Hi
Jose:It is nice today, yaa? ( heavy accent)
Me: Sure, it is gorgeous.
Jose: You from here.
Me: Yes ( by now I am thinking up my escape route, I am in no mood for idle chit chat)
Jose:You go to church
I had no answer, just ridiculous smile (Maybe I am wrong but aren't Mexicans Catholics and Catholics don't preach right?)
Jose: You believe in God
Me: Sure ( I get up)
Jose: You no go to church (with his accent should he even be preaching)
Me: No, I have to go...
Jose (getting up and cutting me off) Do you not say God help me, take me, take care of my life, i am here. (He throws his arms in the air looking up at the sky)
It was very theatrical and I would have made my escape then had it not been so...well theatrical. I could see his small Latina wife was a little embarrassed.
Me: Right
Jose: U go church and God help you ( he said emphatically, gesturing in earnest towards the sky).
Me: ummmm, do you guys want me to take your picture
Jose looks at his wife and says something in Spanish. I almost said exactly.
So after getting inspected by both of them as I took their picture, I quickly rushed off hoping Jose wont start an interpretive dance about Jesus.
I am all for religious freedom and have nothing against preaching do whatever makes you happy. But next time, target the guy in the huge group with a big family. Because even though he has people around him, he maybe the one lost or unhappy or in search of God. Even if he is not brown. You are wasting your time on me. I am already taken care of.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Nomad or Too bad
2 countries, 22 homes (in 32 years), 9 schools (6 in first 10 yrs), 3 storage places and several rental cars later - I am moving again. Calling my lifestyle nomadic is probably the understatement of the year. The more I crave for some constant in life, the more it eludes me.
I am officially a homeless person and I can live in my car for all I care, only I don't have a car.
Yes yes yes, I whine, but I have good reason to whine. I am a person with no home, and its not a lifestyle I volunteered to have. My father made us move...a lot. Once he quit, my mom took over. After she decided it was time to settle down, I decided to switch continents. Now I have a job that makes me move. Fate? Misfortune? Luck? Genes? I believe all of the above. And now I am afraid when I do settle down by some stroke of luck I will find it so mundane and boring (poor guru ji). Maybe encompassed in my soul, is the soul of ibn-e-batuta or marco polo. I dont know!!
It is true that neither of my parents have called one place their home for more than 5 yrs. My father turns 70 this Dec. Hmmmm, if this is genetic it doesn't look too promising. You must be wondering, whats the big deal, so you move around a lot. How bad can it be right? Well its not bad at all. You get to meet new people, you get a new start at life (sort of) you explore a new place, get a new room, new neighbors, fresh new set of teachers/friends/co-workers etc. etc.
But there is a con side to it all and that is you get to meet new people, you get a new start at life (sort of) you explore a new place, get a new room, new neighbors, fresh new set of teachers/friends/co-workers etc. etc.
Think about it, you do get excited about change and all of the fun new things mentioned above. But the novelty of it all does disappear after the first few times as you realise:
Meeting new people is so overrated, people everywhere are annoying and judgemental, just because your environment changes you dont become a more interesting personit's no fun to make new friends when you are just as judgmental as others and no matter how many fresh starts you get at life, you will turn it into the same exact mess as before. The only thing one can really enjoy is exploring the new place, but once that is over you start missing the last place you really felt to be your home. Sad!!!! But you know what is more sad. The fact that now I am so used to having these changes and getting these new starts, I subconsciously deem it as my escape route and hope to get one when I get bored or stuck or just tired.
The fact is I get jealous, when people talk about the homes they lived in, their entire lives, or childhood friends they studied with throughout school or lived next door to all their lives. The way they refer to a city or town, or think about their neighborhoods. All the things I so wanted but never had. I was a shy quite child who had to go through the torture of starting at a new school every 2-3 yrs or leaving a house when I had finally found my true best friend next door.
But what I guess the bright side to it all is, I can live anywhere and I can relate to all sorts of people and I am more accommodating and perceptive than the people not exposed to different environments. This kind of understanding of people and cultures I will not exchange for any one school, town or house.
And while it is hard to adjust to a new home, new place, new people, new climate, new driving styles and I do still dream of having my own land and home in one place, I try and come to terms with the fact that perhaps my destiny and my life knows me better than I know myself, and that this one home, one place thing that I desire so much just might come back to bite me in the years to come or at least guru ji, definitely.
I am officially a homeless person and I can live in my car for all I care, only I don't have a car.
Yes yes yes, I whine, but I have good reason to whine. I am a person with no home, and its not a lifestyle I volunteered to have. My father made us move...a lot. Once he quit, my mom took over. After she decided it was time to settle down, I decided to switch continents. Now I have a job that makes me move. Fate? Misfortune? Luck? Genes? I believe all of the above. And now I am afraid when I do settle down by some stroke of luck I will find it so mundane and boring (poor guru ji). Maybe encompassed in my soul, is the soul of ibn-e-batuta or marco polo. I dont know!!
It is true that neither of my parents have called one place their home for more than 5 yrs. My father turns 70 this Dec. Hmmmm, if this is genetic it doesn't look too promising. You must be wondering, whats the big deal, so you move around a lot. How bad can it be right? Well its not bad at all. You get to meet new people, you get a new start at life (sort of) you explore a new place, get a new room, new neighbors, fresh new set of teachers/friends/co-workers etc. etc.
But there is a con side to it all and that is you get to meet new people, you get a new start at life (sort of) you explore a new place, get a new room, new neighbors, fresh new set of teachers/friends/co-workers etc. etc.
Think about it, you do get excited about change and all of the fun new things mentioned above. But the novelty of it all does disappear after the first few times as you realise:
Meeting new people is so overrated, people everywhere are annoying and judgemental, just because your environment changes you dont become a more interesting personit's no fun to make new friends when you are just as judgmental as others and no matter how many fresh starts you get at life, you will turn it into the same exact mess as before. The only thing one can really enjoy is exploring the new place, but once that is over you start missing the last place you really felt to be your home. Sad!!!! But you know what is more sad. The fact that now I am so used to having these changes and getting these new starts, I subconsciously deem it as my escape route and hope to get one when I get bored or stuck or just tired.
The fact is I get jealous, when people talk about the homes they lived in, their entire lives, or childhood friends they studied with throughout school or lived next door to all their lives. The way they refer to a city or town, or think about their neighborhoods. All the things I so wanted but never had. I was a shy quite child who had to go through the torture of starting at a new school every 2-3 yrs or leaving a house when I had finally found my true best friend next door.
But what I guess the bright side to it all is, I can live anywhere and I can relate to all sorts of people and I am more accommodating and perceptive than the people not exposed to different environments. This kind of understanding of people and cultures I will not exchange for any one school, town or house.
And while it is hard to adjust to a new home, new place, new people, new climate, new driving styles and I do still dream of having my own land and home in one place, I try and come to terms with the fact that perhaps my destiny and my life knows me better than I know myself, and that this one home, one place thing that I desire so much just might come back to bite me in the years to come or at least guru ji, definitely.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Wake-up you lazy bum
I am so lazy these days to write anything. Maybe its the NW Pacific fall (cold and wet), maybe its the lack of audience and zero responses on my past 5 posts, or maybe I am just so God damn bored.
Maybe that's just it - I am so bored. I need some fun and excitement, I need something to look forward to, a job that makes me wanna jump out of the bed every morning or at least makes me wanna go to work or perhaps I need to travel or get a dog, or finally tie the knot or maybe try something new like Mary Jane or tequila or bungy jumping, or join a cult or become a Rasta or a nun or a cop or a fireman. Maybe I can finally learn how to swim or how to Tango or maybe I can finally take up carpentry and start writing my book, or maybe train for a marathon or or or...
How mundane does life have to get before you stop dreaming about things and start doing them. Of course I never dream about joining a cult or becoming a nun but some of the things mentioned above have been in my mind for the longest of time. I mean I would not be caught dead bungy jumping (only after maybe) but man I do want to dance like Julianne Hough.
The following passage is quoted from this blog I frequently visit: ..
"Most of us spend our life thinking of doing many a thing, but never get around to doing it. We blame it on time, and our ever packed schedules and working at jobs which majority of us are not in love with. Remember life by what you did and not by what you wanted to do. The right moment to do what you always wanted to do, is NOW! And stop caring what the world thinks!"
Although I was sad to see the extremely fun blog getting terminated, but his final words of wisdom struck a chord with me.
There is so much I wanna learn and try and do and I am just waiting for things to settle and then find the resources and time to do all this, but that is not going to happen is it? There will always be something stopping me from fulfilling my dreams. I am constantly using one excuse or the other to overcome the laziness caused by my boredom, which in turn is caused by the mundane nature of my life. That sounds sooo SAD.
So what should I do? Make a resolution to live each day as my last in this world and try to pick each one of dreams one by one and fulfilling them? Darn right I should. I will do just that and stop playing this waiting game
So here is a list of what I really want to do:
Start Smoking Pot and become a Rasta - dreadlocks is so my lookJoin a cult - this world is so over-ratedBecome a fireman - after the sex change operation of courseGet married next week ( sorry Guru Ji my mind is made up) and steal my neighbor's dog on my way out of SeattleWork on building my time machine...OK fine, that is not the real list of things I want to do. Smoking makes me sick, no cult would wanna keep me (they will take me, but not keep me), I am extremely happy being a woman and I cant possibly leave Seattle or my Guru Ji (awww). I am making all this up.The truth is I don't have a list right now and maybe I don't want to keep a list. I just want to live in this moment and for now. But what I do wish to change is that if in this moment there is something I want to achieve/learn/do then I should go after it by all my means with all my heart and not worry about anything else.
Maybe that's just it - I am so bored. I need some fun and excitement, I need something to look forward to, a job that makes me wanna jump out of the bed every morning or at least makes me wanna go to work or perhaps I need to travel or get a dog, or finally tie the knot or maybe try something new like Mary Jane or tequila or bungy jumping, or join a cult or become a Rasta or a nun or a cop or a fireman. Maybe I can finally learn how to swim or how to Tango or maybe I can finally take up carpentry and start writing my book, or maybe train for a marathon or or or...
How mundane does life have to get before you stop dreaming about things and start doing them. Of course I never dream about joining a cult or becoming a nun but some of the things mentioned above have been in my mind for the longest of time. I mean I would not be caught dead bungy jumping (only after maybe) but man I do want to dance like Julianne Hough.
The following passage is quoted from this blog I frequently visit: ..
"Most of us spend our life thinking of doing many a thing, but never get around to doing it. We blame it on time, and our ever packed schedules and working at jobs which majority of us are not in love with. Remember life by what you did and not by what you wanted to do. The right moment to do what you always wanted to do, is NOW! And stop caring what the world thinks!"
Although I was sad to see the extremely fun blog getting terminated, but his final words of wisdom struck a chord with me.
There is so much I wanna learn and try and do and I am just waiting for things to settle and then find the resources and time to do all this, but that is not going to happen is it? There will always be something stopping me from fulfilling my dreams. I am constantly using one excuse or the other to overcome the laziness caused by my boredom, which in turn is caused by the mundane nature of my life. That sounds sooo SAD.
So what should I do? Make a resolution to live each day as my last in this world and try to pick each one of dreams one by one and fulfilling them? Darn right I should. I will do just that and stop playing this waiting game
So here is a list of what I really want to do:
Start Smoking Pot and become a Rasta - dreadlocks is so my lookJoin a cult - this world is so over-ratedBecome a fireman - after the sex change operation of courseGet married next week ( sorry Guru Ji my mind is made up) and steal my neighbor's dog on my way out of SeattleWork on building my time machine...OK fine, that is not the real list of things I want to do. Smoking makes me sick, no cult would wanna keep me (they will take me, but not keep me), I am extremely happy being a woman and I cant possibly leave Seattle or my Guru Ji (awww). I am making all this up.The truth is I don't have a list right now and maybe I don't want to keep a list. I just want to live in this moment and for now. But what I do wish to change is that if in this moment there is something I want to achieve/learn/do then I should go after it by all my means with all my heart and not worry about anything else.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
RIP Butch Cassidy
I was 12 when I fell in love with him. It was Saturday and I was curled up in front of the TV waiting for the weekly Saturday night cinema movie to begin. Every Saturday the PTV showed old Hollywood movies and I wanted to watch every single one of them. It is through this medium that my initial love of movies started and it was here that I first saw acting legends like Spencer Tracy, Humphrey Bogart and my absolute favorite Sydney Poitier. Actors of today great they may be but cannot compare to the likes of Gregory Peck and James Stewart and silicon goddesses of this era hold no light to the beauty and class of Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, Grace Kelly and Ingrid Bergman.
I was truly charmed but that night I saw the one I would love the most, forever. The movie that night, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and the star - Paul Newman. OK to be fair, the movie was heavily edited (all that passion between Liz and Paul) and made the story a little too complex for me to follow. Nonetheless I was hooked. In the years that followed I watched the beautiful blue eyed face in cinematic masterpieces like Somebody up there likes me, The Hustler, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid, Color of money and then later on a bottle of a Marinara Sauce. I truly loved and admired him. Everything about him was in contradiction with what Hollywood stands for and that makes him special. He came so close to the beautiful, make believe world of glitz and glamor and didn't get lost in it. He chose to live in a farm house in Connecticut close to his family. His business "Newman's Own" established a policy that all proceeds from the sale of products, after taxes, would be donated to charity. As of early 2006, the franchise has resulted in excess of $200 million in donations (I love their products). And unlike most celebrities, his good work and political activism was not bragged about and publicized. He loved car racing, owned a racing car league or whatever they call it, and raced himself. He was stylish and had great taste but was never excessive. He was married to his true soulmate for 50 years til death parted them last month Sep 26th 2008. A long life, most of which was spent for the good of the less fortunate ended due to a lost battle with cancer. His legacy will live on through Newman's own and his daughters. He is probably the only Hollywood star that I cried for when I heard of his passing. He was a man of great character with the most gorgeous eyes ever. RIP Bucth Cassidy, you will be missed.
Fav quote: When asked about infidelity, he quipped, "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?"
Once speculated his epitaph would read “here lies Paul Newman who died a failure because his eyes turned brown”
I was truly charmed but that night I saw the one I would love the most, forever. The movie that night, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and the star - Paul Newman. OK to be fair, the movie was heavily edited (all that passion between Liz and Paul) and made the story a little too complex for me to follow. Nonetheless I was hooked. In the years that followed I watched the beautiful blue eyed face in cinematic masterpieces like Somebody up there likes me, The Hustler, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid, Color of money and then later on a bottle of a Marinara Sauce. I truly loved and admired him. Everything about him was in contradiction with what Hollywood stands for and that makes him special. He came so close to the beautiful, make believe world of glitz and glamor and didn't get lost in it. He chose to live in a farm house in Connecticut close to his family. His business "Newman's Own" established a policy that all proceeds from the sale of products, after taxes, would be donated to charity. As of early 2006, the franchise has resulted in excess of $200 million in donations (I love their products). And unlike most celebrities, his good work and political activism was not bragged about and publicized. He loved car racing, owned a racing car league or whatever they call it, and raced himself. He was stylish and had great taste but was never excessive. He was married to his true soulmate for 50 years til death parted them last month Sep 26th 2008. A long life, most of which was spent for the good of the less fortunate ended due to a lost battle with cancer. His legacy will live on through Newman's own and his daughters. He is probably the only Hollywood star that I cried for when I heard of his passing. He was a man of great character with the most gorgeous eyes ever. RIP Bucth Cassidy, you will be missed.
Fav quote: When asked about infidelity, he quipped, "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?"
Once speculated his epitaph would read “here lies Paul Newman who died a failure because his eyes turned brown”
With Robert Redford.Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid
With wife Joanne woodward
Aged to Perfection
Monday, October 6, 2008
no más
Why is the suspense and uncertainty of life not as thrilling as a Matt Damon flick? Why can't you enjoy the unpredictable and have popcorns while you wait and expect the unexpected? But that's not how it is. Being the unbelievably impatient person that I am, I hate waiting and not knowing what next. I have always needed to know everything and I have needed to know it now (except exam results - I never cared much about them enough and could wait for them til eternity). So I loose the suspense, I am more of a drama person anyway.
Besides, I think the suspense is sooo over rated. Life should have just come with a manual, it surely would have made our parents' job that much easier. Think about it, we would have been like a new Honda accord, well I am more of a Lamborghini, but you get the point.
I am just bored with all the waiting... and I do think God has the best sense of humor of all. How else would you explain life and its thrilling idiocies. Hmm this is worth a post of its own.
Besides, I think the suspense is sooo over rated. Life should have just come with a manual, it surely would have made our parents' job that much easier. Think about it, we would have been like a new Honda accord, well I am more of a Lamborghini, but you get the point.
I am just bored with all the waiting... and I do think God has the best sense of humor of all. How else would you explain life and its thrilling idiocies. Hmm this is worth a post of its own.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Constant
There is no constant in life other than change. Every day brings some new color to life and it transitions in some way or the other, ever so slowly. But what if one doesn't know how to cope with these changing seasons. She may welcome the change for its excitement and the freedom it gives her from the mundane motions of life, but once the dust settles, it makes her feel lost and sad as if a part of her is missing. With every new chapter of life she feels further away from her own true self, and while this maybe OK for some it remains a tragedy for her. She longs for things to go back to how they used to be. Perhaps, the past signifies to her as normal and happy and most of all known and predictable. The present may be fine but the past is somehow always better. Is it an illusion, an escape or just wishful thinking? Maybe a little of all.
Life is exciting and fun, full of suspense and totally unpredictable and it makes sense not to commit to any one chapter so completely that the preceding chapters only make you want to turn the pages and re-read it again. Maybe you stop reading and keep going back because you dont want to end the book. Interesting, but when has that ever stopped life from changing.
When I was young I used to read a book about a fairy land where whenever a traveler turned to look back he turned to stone. I could never understand what that meant, but now it is just so clear.
Life has no constants other than change. Makes sense to accept this as a constant and keep traveling
Life is exciting and fun, full of suspense and totally unpredictable and it makes sense not to commit to any one chapter so completely that the preceding chapters only make you want to turn the pages and re-read it again. Maybe you stop reading and keep going back because you dont want to end the book. Interesting, but when has that ever stopped life from changing.
When I was young I used to read a book about a fairy land where whenever a traveler turned to look back he turned to stone. I could never understand what that meant, but now it is just so clear.
Life has no constants other than change. Makes sense to accept this as a constant and keep traveling
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