I always knew. I was always aware. His ever so vigilant eyes, his expectations, his acute disappointment. I always felt it. I never doubted his love but I wasn't always sure if he likes me. His is the person that has forever been larger than life for me. If I say, I actually worshipped the very ground that he walked on, it would not be an exaggeration. He is the epitome of perfection if ever there was one. His wisdom, his courage, his personality, his discipline, his style, his knowledge, his worldliness. I am not his only admirer. He is liked and revered by many.
But he was my sun, my life revolved around him and till this day I love no one more than I love him.
I have seen him in the true light of reality. I have seen him weak and I have seen him broken. But he always rose above it all. He has always proved that with courage and fortitude a person can restart after every failure and after each fall. I saw him do so time and time again. The perseverance is undeniable and so is his remarkable ability to bounce back. He taught me so much in life and about life. About friendship, about relationships. He gave me wings to fly, he gave me the freedom to fail, make mistakes and grow up.
But it had not always been perfect. Far from it. For the longest of times, I wanted to be seen and heard by him. Not just for what I did not have or I did not do, but for what I did have and I did do. But it seemed he saw no good. It was disappointing and it was evident. His words were the most hurtful and they hurt the most. I felt alone and I stopped caring. Perhaps, it was his way of making me realise what I should be and what I can become and do. But all it did was make the most difficult time of my life even harder and more lonely. So I stopped caring. I turned my back to his every knowing, ever disapproving eyes and became involved in the meaninglessness of my life. But I always knew. We started drifting apart and I thought it was all over. Not my love and admiration for him, but my quest to win over his liking and respect for myself.
He understood my pain and he was empathetic but he recognized by restlessness more than I did and the fighter in him would not believe that I was willing to give up and settle. Perhaps he wanted me to be an extension of him. I know I did. I still do.
When I set out on this new journey, my goals were clear. I wanted to escape the mindlessness of my then current life and his ever disappointed looks. Perhaps not the most idealistic of motivating factors, but I knew I could not stay with him anymore. It broke my heart and I don't think I can ever overcome the pain of leaving him behind. But leave him is what I did. He let me fly away with a heavy heart and tearful eyes. And I saw his love, his hope and his dreams for me in that one moment. I knew I was escaping nothing because I would always know.
And that is what drove me, to work hard, to get beyond just settling for the average. It pushed me to achieve my goals. To show him that I can fly as high as he expected me to.
I saw him several times in the last four and a half years. He always seemed pleased with the way things have turned out and ever so quietly our relationship changed shape again. He became a special friend, a confidant. I was too scared to hope but I actually felt his respect and love.
Few weeks ago, I received an email from him. As I scanned the lines, I had sort of an out of body experience. I re-read it a few times to make sure that the gist of the email truly sinks into my mind. He had opened his heart to me and I saw in those lines what I did seek for most of my life. His love, his respect and his pride in me. He needed no more proof and he is peaceful. And this is the new knowledge that I will hopefully live with for the rest of my life.
Papa, you remember when I was a wee bit of a girl, I would wait for you to come home every afternoon. And the moment you saw me you would lift me up and place me on your shoulders. I would double over with joy and reach up to touch the ceiling. I felt so tall and so strong so much so that if I had wanted I could have touched the sky and picked out all the stars. Do you remember how happy that made me? Well that's how tall and strong and happy that email of yours made me. Just like the girl on your shoulders, I became an extension of you.
My mind refuses to cough up a decent post. I guess it is the gloomy weather or its the gloomy me or its just the way world is right now, depressing.
Nonetheless, I need to exercise the brain , this blog has to serve its purpose and I cannot go back into a writing drought of 5 yrs. SO i decided to write whatever comes to my mind. Today's post is dedicated to the randomness of my thoughts.Today I called up my favourite cousin in Pakistan to wish him a happy eid. As we talked i realised being grown up really sucks. Whats to like? Your responsibilities increase each passing day, you parents grow older and older, you have to take care of yourself, you need to know answers to all your questions, manage your money and your relationships. On top of all this, you have to work. **I really don't like my papa Ami getting old :( **
Awareness/knowledge/ambitions inversely proportional to contentment. The more we know, the more we expect from ourselves and our lives and more discontent we become. My mother's mother didn't even think she could be anything but a mother and didn't think husbands are supposed to do anything but provide, result: fairly content life. My mother felt she could do a little more than just be a regular housewife and mother and also felt my father needed to more attentive, result: not so content life. I grew up believing I could do anything I want, I expect to be a mother, a wife and career woman and I want a husband who is a partner in marriage, result: a schizophrenic, sort of discontent life. Hence proven, ignorance can be bliss.
Why cant an hourly paid employee take a paid sick day off or get paid for public holidays. I can work on Christmas but I cant since the office is closed. I cant even switch Christmas day with Eid day if I wanted. I work on Eid day, I can work on Christmas day. But I cant since the office is closed, so how come they don't pay me. PAY ME NOWWWW
Seattle is rainy and green and has more company head offices than Id like to count. It is here that Tom Hanks was sleepless, and it is here that Frasier was listening and its where Dr. McDreamy found love again. It is a really gorgeous, dreamy place. Every time I sit in a warm coffee place with a fireplace and old Sinatra or Dean martin music, rain pouring softly against the window panes, I feel like I am part of a Black and White Hollywood movie and any minute a Gregory Peck look-alike will walk in through the door and sweep me off my feet. Hmmmmm maybe I should stop drinking coffee. *sigh*
When do I wash my car? It is new and it is black and it lives in Seattle. The day it rains you cant see if it is dirty, on the days it doesn't rain it looks like a black and Brown polka-dot car. But if I wash it , it will rain the next day and the cycle will continue. Sooo when is the rain going to stop? anyone?
So are we constantly trying to recreate the time when we were the happiest? The most unadulterated, unbroken happiness? The time when our spirits and our minds were fully integrated. No conflict, no sadness and no discontentment. When every dawn was brighter than the last, when anything was possible and when our laughter was as pure as it can be. No time measures up to it and no company measures up to the company we had then. At some sub-conscious level, perhaps we are. Is it fair, perhaps not.
When is too much hard work...too much? When do you know you should quit? When do you know it is OK to give up and that no matter how much you stretch out your resources you will not be able to accomplish what you are trying to achieve. And how can you give up without feeling like a failure?
I see too many people running on the treadmill single-minded as if running away from some unseen ghosts and demons. They are too thin already. They are too fit. What are they trying to proof? Hmmm wow this was such a deep thought. Maybe worth a post.
Why doesn't it rain the day I have my umbrella and am wearing my rain boots? Sunny days, I leave home in my nice coat, wearing my suede boots, and by afternoon its raining. Why is God having so much fun at my expense, or rather at the expense of my boots. I love my shoes :(
My mind works non-stop and the thoughts never seem to end. How will I ever end this post?
Diesel - my new roommate's two year old cat hates me. Animals have always loved me but he hates me. He is black with white paws and he likes to bite. A cat that bites, please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this is weird.
My new roommate doesn't want me to say "Oh my God!!" when I am at home and she is around. All I say to that...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
I am tired and its almost time to go home. I have a yoga class to go to and hopefully I have taken all my thoughts out here and now I can have a truly spiritual and mind/soul cleansing experience. Ommmmmmmmmm
Stars in the eyes, head in the air. She is a friend, a sister, partner in crime and constant source of entertainment. She can be annoying and infuriating but she can be just as sweet and caring. She can be insightful but can be just as clueless. She makes me laugh till I have tears in my eyes and she can make me angry...till I have tears in my eyes.
A life that has given her lots of ups and downs has made her into a strong woman. Perhaps a woman of substance.
It is not easy to write about her. Its not that she is very complex or there isn't a whole lot to say about her. Its just that at this time I am talking to her on the phone (well mostly she is talking) She talks non-stop and I give her a hard time every now and then (I should add as always).
You know how people sit and think about different things, quietly, by themselves. Well M does it too...only with me as audience. I will either be sitting on her couch or will be at work reading her chat or will be on the other end of the phone, like right now.
Well now that I have hung up and I can think a bit more clearly, lets see if I can come up with more material. She will read this tomorrow, I am sure she will. I think she opens my blog every day secretly hoping that perhaps today I have mentioned her. Just kidding M. But you know you do...no no just kidding ;) (but you do, admit it lol)
She is smart (when she wants to be) , funny (read very funny), hyper (read extremely-bouncing off-the-walls-on-most-days-hyper), very caring , loving and sweet. I met her 2.5 years ago when my ex-friend/raakhee brother hooked her up with me as a roommate. We clicked instantly. She was all I wanted in a roommate plus I could boss her into cleaning and washing the dishes on time lol. I tell you it was meant to be.
We have had lots of ups and downs, some fights (mostly in New York), some distances (I am a nomad after all), some differences of opinion (I discuss/She thinks we are arguing ) and many endless nights of gossip, laughter and girl talk.
She has been a great friend, someone I can always be honest with, knowing full well she will not judge me. She tries to get me even when she has no idea what I am on about (lot of people feel that way, but she is a lot less vocal). She puts up with the drama in my world (and we all know there is plenty), and I try to help clean-up the messes in hers. She opens her house, her heart, her brand new car for those who give her unceasing love and support, and whom she loves unconditionally. I am lucky to be one of "those".
M, no matter how many times you will make me wanna beat you up and no matter how many times we fight (in and out of New York), and no matter how many times you have to step back to give me the space to change, I know that we will find our way back to each other, because friendships like ours can actually brave the test of time. You, me and Guru ji, truly make "threes, a company".
The crazy, great-hearted, totally clueless M. Love ya girl.
There is no constant in life other than change. Every day brings some new color to life and it transitions in some way or the other, ever so slowly. But what if one doesn't know how to cope with these changing seasons. She may welcome the change for its excitement and the freedom it gives her from the mundane motions of life, but once the dust settles, it makes her feel lost and sad as if a part of her is missing. With every new chapter of life she feels further away from her own true self, and while this maybe OK for some it remains a tragedy for her. She longs for things to go back to how they used to be. Perhaps, the past signifies to her as normal and happy and most of all known and predictable. The present may be fine but the past is somehow always better. Is it an illusion, an escape or just wishful thinking? Maybe a little of all.
Life is exciting and fun, full of suspense and totally unpredictable and it makes sense not to commit to any one chapter so completely that the preceding chapters only make you want to turn the pages and re-read it again. Maybe you stop reading and keep going back because you dont want to end the book. Interesting, but when has that ever stopped life from changing.
When I was young I used to read a book about a fairy land where whenever a traveler turned to look back he turned to stone. I could never understand what that meant, but now it is just so clear.
Life has no constants other than change. Makes sense to accept this as a constant and keep traveling
