Once in third grade we were given a composition assignment that asked us to write about our parents. That in itself was not much of a challenge since at that age my entire world revolved around them. But it did pose as a threat to my parents’ sanity as my normal count of 100 questions per day quadrupled in a matter of minutes to get the information I needed to complete the said assignment.
During my quest to learn everything there is to know about my beloved Papa and Ami, I discovered that Ami is 33 yrs old. She is my mother and so she is older than me, but I remember being in awe of this fact - the fact that my mother was sooo old. Compared to my single digit existence, the number seemed phenomenal and I wondered how I would feel when I got that old. The prospect was scary. I was abnormally aware if not fully mature in my thoughts and had an almost inane capacity to understand the complexity, certainty and seriousness of several life issues – aging and death included. I really did think 33 was that much older!
Time flew by and tomorrow after many years of good and very few of not so good fortune, I turn 33. I know perspectives change and I am no longer eight, but the number does not sound scary or old anymore, and in some ways it really seems great. Of course what choice do I have and of course now 33 has to seem young and hip, but truthfully I have realized over the years that you are as old as you feel.
When I really think about that little girl looking at her mother with awe, I realize how mature and grown-up she was for her age. How burdened she used to feel because thoughts beyond her years used to plague her and how she felt truly incapable of being a normal third grader, carefree and full of life. Going by what I have learned about being as old as you feel, I was actually 55 in the third grade. In fact, most of my childhood was actually near retirement age.
Somewhere during the course of these 33 years of existence I secretly grew to my actual permanent and spiritual age and birthdays became mere reason for celebration and the numerical age, just a number. I now realize that age truly translates into spiritual beauty, health and the presence of love and peace in your life. So no matter what my age, I won’t feel old as long as I have all these things.
Maybe this post will make no sense to some people, while others will know exactly what I mean. In any case, I am more a free spirit now, than I ever was as an eight year old. Happy 8th birthday to me !!
Stars in the eyes, head in the air. She is a friend, a sister, partner in crime and constant source of entertainment. She can be annoying and infuriating but she can be just as sweet and caring. She can be insightful but can be just as clueless. She makes me laugh till I have tears in my eyes and she can make me angry...till I have tears in my eyes.
A life that has given her lots of ups and downs has made her into a strong woman. Perhaps a woman of substance.
It is not easy to write about her. Its not that she is very complex or there isn't a whole lot to say about her. Its just that at this time I am talking to her on the phone (well mostly she is talking) She talks non-stop and I give her a hard time every now and then (I should add as always).
You know how people sit and think about different things, quietly, by themselves. Well M does it too...only with me as audience. I will either be sitting on her couch or will be at work reading her chat or will be on the other end of the phone, like right now.
Well now that I have hung up and I can think a bit more clearly, lets see if I can come up with more material. She will read this tomorrow, I am sure she will. I think she opens my blog every day secretly hoping that perhaps today I have mentioned her. Just kidding M. But you know you do...no no just kidding ;) (but you do, admit it lol)
She is smart (when she wants to be) , funny (read very funny), hyper (read extremely-bouncing off-the-walls-on-most-days-hyper), very caring , loving and sweet. I met her 2.5 years ago when my ex-friend/raakhee brother hooked her up with me as a roommate. We clicked instantly. She was all I wanted in a roommate plus I could boss her into cleaning and washing the dishes on time lol. I tell you it was meant to be.
We have had lots of ups and downs, some fights (mostly in New York), some distances (I am a nomad after all), some differences of opinion (I discuss/She thinks we are arguing ) and many endless nights of gossip, laughter and girl talk.
She has been a great friend, someone I can always be honest with, knowing full well she will not judge me. She tries to get me even when she has no idea what I am on about (lot of people feel that way, but she is a lot less vocal). She puts up with the drama in my world (and we all know there is plenty), and I try to help clean-up the messes in hers. She opens her house, her heart, her brand new car for those who give her unceasing love and support, and whom she loves unconditionally. I am lucky to be one of "those".
M, no matter how many times you will make me wanna beat you up and no matter how many times we fight (in and out of New York), and no matter how many times you have to step back to give me the space to change, I know that we will find our way back to each other, because friendships like ours can actually brave the test of time. You, me and Guru ji, truly make "threes, a company".
The crazy, great-hearted, totally clueless M. Love ya girl.
I am over the hill (by Desi standards 28 is the hill) and I should be desperate to tie the knot. What is wrong with me? I always disappoint the aunties in my family. (they are just not cool like my mom)
They wanted the girl to be good and respectful who doesn't laugh loudly; most days Eskimos could hear me laugh all the way from the land of the pure. They wanted girls not to hang out with guys and play cricket on the road; I would bully the kids into letting me play even at the age of 21. They wanted the girls to learn how to cook; I am still living off of Maggie noodles. They thought it was not right for girls to play tennis um ever; I lived to be on the court every single day, rain or shine (even though I was just average). The aunties thought it wrong to marry out of choice; I was in love two months after I joined my university. They looked down at a girl and a guy being best friends; my best friend was a guy and his sister and his brother and his mom (they still are, him I don't know). They didn't think it was possible for girls to go out alone after dark; I was rampaging around the city of lights in a rickshaw (with my father's permission of course, i am not completely insolent). They believed marriage is the ultimate destination in a girl's life; Bull shit!!! They felt it was awful that I was abandoning my parents and being so selfish to go to US for further studies; I did not want to wait for a husband anymore (yes the love did not last, please don't pick at my wounds). They are too shocked to say, think or believe anything anymore; I live in the US and there are no aunties here. But secretly, they think I am over the hill and should be desperate enough to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry, or in this case any Imran, Farhan or Kamran; I am not.
I am sorry aunties, I disappoint you yet another time. I don't mean to. Trust me its not my sole aim in life to piss you all off, it is just an added advantage. I love you all so much, but your "haey beechaari" has taken its toll on me and I am avoiding you all like the plague. Oh you didn't think it was on purpose? I am also avoiding all those daughters of yours who have turned into an extension of you and want to preach me on how it is my duty to be a mom, as a true Muslim woman (huh??).
Admit it!! Married people cannot stand free, single people. You are a little envious aren't you? Surely at least a tad ? A free spirit that I am, aren't you dying to tie me up. You settled, you want me to compromise as well. No thanks.
I never had the same goals as you or your daughters for that matter. You never let them grow to their full potential but my parents did. And even though I truly appreciate your worries and concerns over my spiritual and mental well-being, I resist your attempts to tame me and black mail me; inducing feelings of guilt and shame by citing my parents' grief over my impending spinsterhood. For God sake. I am single, not morally corrupt. There is a difference.
I am sure I will repeatedly defy your expectations in the years to come because I live by own expectations. My expectations, my identity - not my husband's, my own. Thanks, but no thanks.
I don't want to be political on my blog, but the new president-elect of the country I currently reside in, is worth at least a bit of a mention. Hence this post.
Elections in the US is like a circus. Its madness and I try not to engage in this madness. For instance the last presidential elections, I did not give a rat's ass about who comes into office because things were different. My country was not at the brink of disaster, the adopted country was not at the brink of disaster, I was not a taxpayer in the adopted country, none of the candidates were hot (I have always had a thing for articulate, tall, dark and handsome Sydney Poitier looks-alikes) and I did not think of this place as a home.
He has charisma, no question about it and that is one of the things that caught my interest and over the months I found him more and more appealing and suitable for the job in question (as compared to the rest? HELL yeah!!!). His suitability lies in the fact that he is different and he stands for change. The change is not just associated with the color of his skin or his background but also with his ideologies, his plans for the country, the way he conducted himself in the elections. He is just...different. Now whether these differentiating qualities make him a successful president...only time will tell. He has a major mess to clean up, that's for sure so it will take time.
The fact that he plans to bomb my native country (expressed in so many words) scared me a bit but then McCain's sweet response "you just don't say some things out loud" scared me even more and made me realise we are screwed either way so what the hell. Obama is the lesser of the two evil.
American people are intelligent (the majority). They are not as naive as we like to think. They may live a self-involved life but they understand when to take a stand and when to draw a line and this is what makes them better than some of the other nations. They accept responsibility for their mistakes. Not everyone will agree with me but if you turn the pages of history, you will find this to be true. Every nation has made horrible mistakes in the name of power, wealth and religion but very few have actually stood up to their own to rectify these mistakes. People focus on "They did it", not many see "what happened after they did it". Don't get me wrong, they do it only when they get affected by it, but nonetheless they stand up and perpetuate the change. At least they are alive enough to understand their rights and have the courage to voice out their opinions. The law still matters, the system, though flawed, can still be depended on.
At the risk of sounding like a traitor (some people will think so I am sure), I admire this adopted country and I want the system to keep working. I came in this country a mere immigrant but I am hardly ever made to feel like an outsider. I have the same rights and I have the same set of laws to follow. I pay the same taxes and I am given the opportunity to learn and progress just as the rest of the people. This place still gives people an opportunity to start over and advance from whatever standard of life they had been leading. It is no paradise and its not perfect, but it is a home away from home.
Some of the past governments have compromised its image and the philosophy it was built on but with the new wave of change which was effected by the people through this election just might do the trick again. I for one hope so.
Good Luck President Obama. 
What is with my need to be understood and accepted by my near and dear ones. I seek their understanding and their acceptance and approval for every aspect of my life. I have always wanted this and I still do. I want them to understand my point of view, I want them to approve of my choices and most of all I want them to believe in my dreams and ambitions and be OK with them and give me the support to fulfill them. I want them to accept my shortcomings, focus on my strengths and not ridicule and logicalize my fears, dismissing them as pure rubbish. I want them to understand me as a person and not look down at me because I fail to live up to their expectations. And most of all I want them to know I am not them and I may not be able to do the things they can do very easily. Understand me, understand my choices, understand my life, understand my fears, understand my shortcomings, understand me because I understand you.
We are all different, have our own experiences and our own stories. Our past shapes us into who we are and naturally we have different levels of comprehension and have our own limitations. We all have our own vices, strengths, fears and our own way of dealing with things. But then why do we want the people around us to behave the same as we do. We expect them to be an extension of us, just because we are connected to them, either through blood or through emotions.
Most of our lives' frustrations and disappointments are caused by our failed expectations. Expectations that we have from life, from those around us and from our own selves. So to say I have been disappointed because of my need to be understood will be the understatement of the century. It has not just disappointed me it has also never let me be free of their and my own expectations. I let it consume me. This in turn made me behave unfairly towards those I love, my family and my friends. My frustration caused by their lack of understanding combined with their expectations from me made be irritated and annoyed.
I get it now and so I accept it. I accept it all. Their limitations, their point of view and their lack of understanding. And if I think I do a better job of understanding and accepting them, then I also must remember those few in my life who have and still are doing an awesome job of understanding me . Why should we get everything that we want from each person we meet? After all everyone has a unique way of giving and it may not be what we want but it just might be something just as special. The wisdom is to accept what comes your way and give all you can without expecting anything in return.
All I want is to be free, in every sense of the word, whether its from my own expectations of others or theirs of me.
