Home is where the heart is

The homesickness and Nostalgia that I have been feeling off late has not lost its original intensity. If anything it has been consistently on rise. Nostalgia is but natural for a person with my level of solitude. Also I have 2 and a half decade worth of memories. I have a memory of an elephant ( I have always resented this analogy). I have had an interesting life and I have had some really sweet people come into my life at various junctures. So all in all Nostalgia is justified.


Now some people may ask what is it that I miss about home, especially under the current circumstances where it may not be the most desirable place for a vast majority of people - Pakistani or otherwise. Also, by the grace of God my parents visit us often enough and my sweet aapi and her adorable 3 kiddies live but a two hour flight away. So Why do I miss home? The traffic is better here, there are no electricity outages, no one comes and feels (or pinches) my gluteus maximusarea (more frankly called - the ass) in a crowded mall, there is definitely much less pollution. No one wonders about my doomed unmarried existence and sighs wistfully. People are more courteous and less ill-tempered, and no one stops me at the traffic light on gunpoint and snatches my cellphone and gold bangles (never happened to me in or out of Karachi).

But there is so much more to my country and to my city than can ever be shown in CNN special report or described in a NY Times article. That never reaches the media does it?

Well that is what I miss about home, what not many people know, hear, see or feel. I am happy to be in the US since I have found a lot of things here that I never had before or I had somehow lost. But home is where the heart is and part of my heart will always be in Pakistan.

This post is not a patriotic attempt to raise the image of a country so plagued with trouble and terror. I am just a homeless soul living in a five-star hotel, trying to remember what gave me immense pleasure in my run down, modest abode, which cant quite compare with the happiness that I feel here. Despite the noise and disorderliness. Whats missing?

The unceasing moist sea breeze. People that share your worries, grief and happiness (whether you want it or not, such is there sincerity). Rickshaws. Eid/Ramadan get-togethers. Family picnics on the beach. Family picnics on Hub farm. Family picnics on Bibi's farm (any farm for that matter). PIDC paan. Chand Raat. Bargaining with Pathans. Beating up Pathans. Getting pinched by Pathans (scratch that one). The prayers and good wishes of elders. Love and attention of people. The sky at night in Karachi. Nani Maa's roof top. Raza and his nonsensical talks. Saira and our rendezvous. Tennis with ex-best friend. Monsoon. Mangoes. Electricity Outages. Secret Phone calls. Kabab Rolls. Bhaiya. Sunday Bazar. Cricket matches at national stadium. Junoon concerts. Driving in Karachi. S phupoo. Ex best friend's mom. Lil one who left me in Cali. Bohri Bazar. Bohri Bazar Chat. Family outings at BBQ Tonight. Five of us together. Traffic sergeants. My little hawker friends who sold flowers on traffic lights. The undying spirit of Karachihites. My Tailor. Zamzama. KU and KU friends. KG Library. Sea view. Breakfast at Boat Basin. Driving on Sharae-faisal 2:00 am in the morning. Gajak. MY sister when she was single. My sister's best friend when she was single. Zainab Market (I know its not the same anymore but what is?) Guavas. Sabri nehari. The ability to go out and eat anything at any hour of the day. Quetta. Bus trip to Quetta. Weddings (yes I miss them. The bride, the food, the reason to deck up and check out good looking guys...they hardly exist in Karachi but that never stopped us). All the family ladies when they were not aunties lol. And, and , and....

The list will go on. Its never ending. I am homesick for the home that is so influenced by my nostalgic tendencies. Some of the things on my list wont be there when I go back home, but they are part of what is missing. I am aware of it.

Things you leave behind, things that are kept away from your reach, things that make up your person, your mind, your past and present. Things that forever remain important no matter how far away they maybe. Things if harmed or damaged, hurt you in ways you never deem possible. Things that will remain your identity. My home, for me, is all such things and more.

Allah tumhari hifaazat karay. May God bless our Home.

Coffee anyone?

So I finally decided to make Seattle my own. The 3-months stint in the emerald city has turned into a much needed/anticipated longer adventure (thank God for that, given the conditions of the economy) and I am not complaining, despite the unceasing greyness of the city. Sun is like God in Seattle. You have to believe in its existence without ever seeing it. Its this blind faith that gets the Seattlites through the morbidness of fall, winter and spring. But I digress.

Don't get me wrong. Cali will always remain my home away from home but since I do need to feed my baby (the car - need you ask?) and occasionally myself, I am more than happy to stay and provide my services to the Washington branch of corporate America.

So I am staying, hopefully for a while. But to stay here indefinitely, I need to make it my own. And for that I have to find my Seattle people. Not knowing a soul in this city can be a recipe for suicide. Noooo, Seattle does not have the highest rate of suicide in the country (Correct answer: veeegggaaasss). But it does have the highest rate of coffee consumption. Which means, Seattlites socialize to survive.

When in Rome do as the Romas so tonight I went to socialize. It was a good experience, which made me realise, I have finally accepted Seattle as my new home. I also realised that not many people my age are single :) But that just makes me seem cooler for some reason. To the married women that is. Cooler or just more weird. Either way I just feel cool lol.

So the point is I have finally arrived in Seattle. Whether I will find my people or not, it remains to be seen.

To be an extension of you

I always knew. I was always aware. His ever so vigilant eyes, his expectations, his acute disappointment. I always felt it. I never doubted his love but I wasn't always sure if he likes me. His is the person that has forever been larger than life for me. If I say, I actually worshipped the very ground that he walked on, it would not be an exaggeration. He is the epitome of perfection if ever there was one. His wisdom, his courage, his personality, his discipline, his style, his knowledge, his worldliness. I am not his only admirer. He is liked and revered by many.
But he was my sun, my life revolved around him and till this day I love no one more than I love him.
I have seen him in the true light of reality. I have seen him weak and I have seen him broken. But he always rose above it all. He has always proved that with courage and fortitude a person can restart after every failure and after each fall. I saw him do so time and time again. The perseverance is undeniable and so is his remarkable ability to bounce back. He taught me so much in life and about life. About friendship, about relationships. He gave me wings to fly, he gave me the freedom to fail, make mistakes and grow up.
But it had not always been perfect. Far from it. For the longest of times, I wanted to be seen and heard by him. Not just for what I did not have or I did not do, but for what I did have and I did do. But it seemed he saw no good. It was disappointing and it was evident. His words were the most hurtful and they hurt the most. I felt alone and I stopped caring. Perhaps, it was his way of making me realise what I should be and what I can become and do. But all it did was make the most difficult time of my life even harder and more lonely. So I stopped caring. I turned my back to his every knowing, ever disapproving eyes and became involved in the meaninglessness of my life. But I always knew. We started drifting apart and I thought it was all over. Not my love and admiration for him, but my quest to win over his liking and respect for myself.
He understood my pain and he was empathetic but he recognized by restlessness more than I did and the fighter in him would not believe that I was willing to give up and settle. Perhaps he wanted me to be an extension of him. I know I did. I still do.
When I set out on this new journey, my goals were clear. I wanted to escape the mindlessness of my then current life and his ever disappointed looks. Perhaps not the most idealistic of motivating factors, but I knew I could not stay with him anymore. It broke my heart and I don't think I can ever overcome the pain of leaving him behind. But leave him is what I did. He let me fly away with a heavy heart and tearful eyes. And I saw his love, his hope and his dreams for me in that one moment. I knew I was escaping nothing because I would always know.
And that is what drove me, to work hard, to get beyond just settling for the average. It pushed me to achieve my goals. To show him that I can fly as high as he expected me to.
I saw him several times in the last four and a half years. He always seemed pleased with the way things have turned out and ever so quietly our relationship changed shape again. He became a special friend, a confidant. I was too scared to hope but I actually felt his respect and love.
Few weeks ago, I received an email from him. As I scanned the lines, I had sort of an out of body experience. I re-read it a few times to make sure that the gist of the email truly sinks into my mind. He had opened his heart to me and I saw in those lines what I did seek for most of my life. His love, his respect and his pride in me. He needed no more proof and he is peaceful. And this is the new knowledge that I will hopefully live with for the rest of my life.
Papa, you remember when I was a wee bit of a girl, I would wait for you to come home every afternoon. And the moment you saw me you would lift me up and place me on your shoulders. I would double over with joy and reach up to touch the ceiling. I felt so tall and so strong so much so that if I had wanted I could have touched the sky and picked out all the stars. Do you remember how happy that made me? Well that's how tall and strong and happy that email of yours made me. Just like the girl on your shoulders, I became an extension of you.

The true Dog Lover

I have been wanting to adopt a dog for as long as I can remember. I love dogs. Everyone who knows me knows that. But most of the people who do know me, know very little about dogs. They assume since I like dogs, I probably like all kinds of dogs. And everywhere we go they show me dogs and expect me to go bonkers over every canine that comes within my peripheral vision. But God didn't create all dogs as equal and neither did he make them to have similar personalities. Like people dogs have different creeds, personalities and temperaments. Meaning I don't like them all. I don't like the stupid, ferocious creatures that thing every human limb is a chew toy. I don't like the mouse-like, wannabe dogs. I don't like the tiny Pomeranians who just bark and bark and then bark some more. I also don't like most female dogs (they are the reason why we use the B word as a curse).

But show me a Labrador or a golden retriever and I just have to go over and pet them. And of course they sense my comfort and warm up just as quickly. Oh well they are the friendliest dogs in the world. But given their size people might get scared. But all they can attack you with is slobber.

Well the real reason why I love dogs is the way they love the human beings. Their undying loyalty, devotion and affection towards our race. It is like they haven't received the memo yet. Humans are not really all that great. They are selfish folks who are capable of unspeakable monstrosity and even though they claim to be civilized, they can be clueless to the notions of coexistence, tolerance and compassion. But do they care? Of course not. All they see in their human is a master who must be loved and obeyed till the very last breath of life. That's whats in their genes and that's what they know. They have an enormous grasp of human feelings and moods. They pick them up accurately and its remarkable.

Humans can learn a lot from their canine friends. Their capacity to love, their ceaseless loyalty, their non-judgemental and forgiving nature, the way they live and love life and enjoy it even when their bodies get taken over by arthritis and they loose the sense of sight, sound and at times smell. Even then they will play with you and they will love you.

The idea of the post was not to write an essay about dogs. It was just to talk about how much I love dogs and how badly I want to have one. Given my nomadic lifestyle and the newest addition to my family (my car), I don't think the timing is right. But I do know that somewhere in this world is pair of beautiful yellow Labradors (male and female) who someday will make a beautiful and special puppy, just for me.I have a name picked out already.

I am a wee bit lost

So far this new year has been a comedy of error of sorts. I had been meaning to watch Marley and me ever since its release Christmas day. The reviews have been lukewarm but I still wanted to watch it because I loved the book, I love Labradors and I love watching movies. So anyway last week I finally got back to Seattle and went to the theatre where I am a regular. I went to the ticket kiosk and tried to purchase the ticket. For some reason the kiosk refused all my credit cards. I spent 10 mins trying out all my debit and credit cards but to no avail. Since the line at the box office was long, I wanted to buy my ticket at the kiosk. Everyone around me seemed to be doing OK using the machine. I started fearing something was wrong with my accounts, but all of them? I finally gave up, stood in the box office line for another 10 mins and barely made it in time for the previews. No problem using the card there. Hmm strange.

Few days later, I was leaving the parking structure at my gym when the same thing happened. No matter how hard I tried my credit card was not getting processed. Three cars behind me waited somewhat patiently as I tried all my cards. They finally gave up and drove to the other exit. But I was stuck. Suddenly I swiped my card, magnetic strip facing upward. Sure enough the payment got processed and I was free to go. Huh?? I don't remember ever swiping my card with the magnetic strip facing upward.

This weekend I went for another movie (yes I do love watching movies) and the same thing happened at the kiosk. I kept swiping the card and it just didn't work. Then the rain man in me saw light. I swiped the card, magnetic strip facing up. It worked. Again. Is this something new? Who is tricking us? Magnetic strip is always facing downward, isn't it?

Tonight, as I walk into the huge wamu building which houses my gym, I see a couple standing in front of the elevator. The guy looks at me and smiles hopefully.
The guy: Do you know if Daniel's Brother is in this building
Me thinking: Daniel? who the hell is Daniel?
Me talking: I am sorry, but I don't know
The guy: Hmm maybe its the other building
Me talking: Yes, perhaps.
The guy looks at the girl and then back at me
Me: This building is all offices. I don't think anyone lives here.
The guy: huh? No no Daniel's brother is a restaurant.
I try to laugh but they just keep looking at me. Thankfully the elevator door closes shut at that precise moment.

Hello, 2009

I have discovered that the only place I can get myself to blog is at work. I never meant to take such a long hiatus from my blog, but no matter how hard I tried I could not get myself to cough up a decent post while on vacation. Not even to mark the new year. But this week I am back at work and the first thing I am doing after clearing my desk is write this post. But then it makes sense. It makes me feel like I am getting paid to work as a columnist. That thought in itself is so stimulating for my creative juices to start flowing.

So anyway I am back at work and more importantly in the land of non-stop rain. Its freezing, its raining and its depressing. Makes me want to whine. Too bad I wasn't blogging in sunny California, I would have blogged about nice, bright, sunny stuff, for a change. But here I am writing my first post of the new year and already I am complaining. OK maybe I will rein back and just focus on my vacation and talk about it and the new year.

So, aside from helping my sister move, getting huge doses of love from my darling asadee and spending QT (quality time) wid M, Guru ji and aapi, I did pretty much nothing. There is something about being with your loved ones. It is so warm and comforting and just so...right. You don't really need to do anything and its the most fun you will ever have.
Of course that's not always the case. If you are frustrated and unhappy in your life, you may be annoyed by the presence of the very same people. They start seeming too intrusive or too self-involved and less empathetic than ever or even too sympathetic.

I remember when I was jobless and stranded in Cali, I just had no patience with my people. I just could not get them to speak up or shut up, take notice or stop noticing, be sympathetic or stop smothering. Nothing they did was right and everything they did was annoying. I am not saying I was a total bitch or they were saints, but it was just better to be alone. When I landed in Seattle, I had heaved a sigh of relief to be away from everyone. I knew that feeling wouldn't last and it didn't. I missed them so much that I had flown back the next weekend.
So this vacation I did nothing other than be with my people. It was so relaxing and enjoyable and it was mainly due to the fairly calm state of my mind. I truly had no worries and no commitments and no where that I needed to be.

I also got in touch with some of my old people from another lifetime. That was sort of bittersweet, and brought on a wave of nostalgia and homesickness that has somewhat stayed with me. These days, I find myself looking at old pictures, calling my relatives and watching old Pakistani dramas and shows on you tube. I guess I am low on carbon-monoxide and desperately need a trip to the city of candle lights and mini buses. Two and a half years is a long time.

Coming back to my loved ones. It seems that I am always traveling in the opposite side of things than them. My boom is usually their slum and vice versa. So of course now that I am kind of doing OK, aapi, guru ji and M are not so much. That was a bit annoying to know that we are all not OK at once but Moi, my sweet lil sister from another mother, told me this:

Moi: That is tough, but there should be one sane person in all the madness.
Me: Ya or an insane one in all the normality (remembering the jobless bitch)

That was amusing and comforting. But of course, its now my turn to pay back. I am ready to be the rock in their world or at least the joker. If anything, I can make them smile.

Anyway, the vacation was a nice change of pace and I loved every minute of it, including the baby-sitting that ended in me passed out on a chair baby in arms and toddler on lap lol!! Also the horrible flu that I got from the baby, that still has me sounding like Rani mukerjee with a sore throat (yeah its that bad). Also, the horrible fight that M and I had. Also, painting the bedrooms in aapi's new house (I absolutely loved that). Also the packing and the movie drought. Also, the cooking that I was forced to do for a party (M is not so nice is she).

New Year started with me dancing at a party. That is my very first time. I have never entered a new year dancing lol. The New Year also saw me miss my One-time best friend's wedding :(. It also saw me fight with aapi, M and Guru all in one night lol. It also saw me end my vacation, leave my sweet sunny California and fly back to my rueful rainy Washington.

So now that I am done with this bulletin-like post, I wish my handful of readers a happy new year (i have wished most of you anyway). I hope this will bring you all a world of success and happiness and me a few more readers :)