Breakup story - The Perpetrator

Oh yes...the much awaited (ya rite) part two of the Breakup Story - The Ditched.

Note: For sake of simplicity, I will refer to the perpetrator (perp - for short) as a he. This in no way implies that the perpetrator cannot be a female and I am some women rights activist who deems all women as victims in a man's world. Hmm actually in some instances that may be true but...hey wait a minute this is turning from a note into a post. You get the point. Lets continue with the breakup story Part II.

People who have received the bad news may not realise it but the person who breaks up does not have it easy either. He has to deal with a lot of drama at his end as well, not to mention the strategizing and planning it takes to go through with the actual breakup.

The feelings of discontentment take root within the perp long before the actual breakup. He knows he is unhappy, he knows this isn't what he wants or he realises this is not working for him, but he denies it. Of course this only happens to the perps who were actually involved in the relationship and had once been in love, as opposed to the ones who are just out to have a good time - our modern day Casanovas and Jezebels. (I have no experience of being either so lets not focus on them)

The state of denial lasts for sometime as he tries to work things out, but either of these two things happen to end this self-destructive behavior. The perp falls for someone else or the perp's partner confronts him with a "talk". The "talk" almost always involves references to future plans, wedding or just simply taking the next step, whatever that may be. The perp suddenly panics and tries to stall sometimes successfully while at others not so much. Unsuccessful stalling usually results in him accepting whatever is being proposed.

Either event forces the perp to think and reevaluate his feelings, thoughts and ultimately his priorities. In other words, he freaks out and tries to reason with himself as best as he can. This is where generalizing perpetrators gets the hardest. While some perps can reason and logicalize the situation and are able to see and do the right thing, others can reason, logicalize and realise but are too scared to do anything about it. In other words we can distinguish between them as chickens and non-chickens. Both the perps do break up but the circumstances are quite different.

A non-chicken perp will go and fess up like a man (or a woman) hoping he will be able to handle whatever ensues post breakup. A chicken perp on the other hand, not the one for directness, sends out signals and indirect messages to get his feelings across. He avoids phone calls, emails and meetings and becomes unreasonable, moody and very hard to be around. In other words he does a good job of humiliating his partner. Eventually the partner picks it up and confronts him. And that's when hesitatingly he fesses up. Some really big chickens actually survive several confrontations before admitting to anything.

Soon after the breakup the perp feels this sense of achievement and goodness ( read Godliness) within him. He believes he has done something good and noble by saving somebody from a life of misery and deceit. He tells anyone who will listen, how he did what he did for the other person and how the person deserved much better than him. He may have some lingering feelings of guilt here and there, but the greater sense of good puts those to rest.

Despite his best intentions the poor perp cannot spare himself from his ex's drama - the anger, the guilt trips, the threats, the questions. He tries his best to be kind and supportive but cannot help get a bit annoyed. At the same time he feels liberated and wants to enjoy his new found freedom. So he starts his own share of partying and having fun, all the while ensuring that his ex gets the message that he is happy and moving on.

Time passes and both parties get on with their lives. But every now and then they think about each other. The ditched with distaste and the perp with wonder. The perp no matter how satisfied he is with his current life will always wonder whether he did the right thing. And while he may still believe that he did, he seeks some consolation, some acknowledgment of the good. Little does he know that it is his deep-buried feelings of guilt that are causing the restlessness and that this restlessness will only be satisfied if he can get the acknowledgement and forgiveness from the ditched. These feelings sneak up on him ever so quietly catching him completely off-guard. He knows the ditched has been through hell and back, he gets the news from mutual friends and acquaintances and eventually he doesn't feel as noble as he did earlier . It may take years or months, but the guilt does hit the perp and it hits when least expected.

Overcome and consumed with guilt, the perp may reach out to the ditched. What happens after that depends on a number of factors. What kind of person is the ditched? How far along she(or he) is in her quest to get over the broken relationship? Has she moved on? What kind of lives both parties are leading? etc. etc. Some perps get forgiveness, some banishment and some get neither.

Its a tough job being the perpetrator, but is it always the evil one? Is the ditched always the victim? Is breakup ever the right thing to do? Is it all even worth it? All these questions have many contrary answers and they may vary based on perspectives and experiences. Perhaps, the questions are even worthy of a separate blog. Maybe, lets see.