Cursed for Life

Life never changed for me did it? I am still being pushed and pulled from all different directions and in all different directions. But in the midst of it all, cant help but think how much of being in this situation is my own fault? Once I start mulling over this and in turn sharing it with my all-perfect, all-knowing Guru Ji - LG, it did not take long for me to come face to face with the truth. It is entirely my fault. ughhhh!!!!!Sighhhh...I hate being wrong and even more than that, I hate when he is right (which is quite often hummmph).

I have known for quite sometime that I am a really nice person. Generally, people have confidence about their skills and talents or their intelligence. I on the other hand am self-assured about being a very nice, good-hearted human being. In fact, I am probably one of the nicest human beings I have ever met in my life. I know to some I may sound conceited, narcissistic and as lacking humility, but I know this for a fact that I am oh soooo nice. You may ask, what makes me so sure about it? Well the answer is quite simple. I was born to amazingly nice people who are world-renowned for being the nicest people ever (almost - yes i exaggerate a bit, but just a bit), and all my life I was taught to be nice to people and all my life I worked towards becoming the nicest person ever. Of course, doing that I never realised I am screwing myself for life.

Now when I say I am nice I mean I am nice all the time inspite of myself, even when I am trying so hard to be otherwise. Please be clear that I am not putting up an act to be liked or I wanna be known as a Miss goody two shoes and praised all over for being a model human being. Anything but that. Perhaps I started of as that but the first time I got screwed over by a fellow human being after being nice to him/her, I knew this behavior is highly dangerous. I need to watch out for it. And boy was I right!! I have been screwed over so many times since then, because I can never say no, because I cannot be instinctively mean, because I still deep down believe in the goodness of people and last but not the least because I expect people to be caring and understanding towards those around them.

I keep running into people who are unknowingly selfish and self-involved yet every time I am surprised. People have repeatedly taken advantage of me (knowingly or unknowingly I have yet to decide) and I am almost always taken aback. People say mean things (in anger or in jest) and I am so shocked I become speechless and only think of the right thing to say after 20 mins of utter disbelief.

Over the years I have programmed myself to come across as an unfriendly, rude and highly aggressive person ( i crack the meanest jokes everybody). Of course being 5ft 7 and slightly ( ahem ahem) over weight helps matters tremendously ( I can seem scary :)). This helps me keep people at arms length so that I can observe them cautiously before letting them into my life. Of course it does not help my cause at all if the person in question is desolate, in need, alone, broken hearted or just lost. For some reason people with any of these problems become a personal responsibility of mine. I cannot leave them on their own, and i feel the need to fix them up. No, not fix them up with someone, just fix them up, renovate them.

The protection mechanism devised solely by some demented part of my sub-conscious has perhaps spared me from more situations of screwdom, but I still don't know how to retort back to rude behavior on cue, still cannot resist helping out whoever I can and of course I still haven't the slightest clue how to say no and If i manage to say no then how not to feel guilty about it. Oh guilt!!! Oh yes along with the nice nature I am blessed with a hyper-active conscience that feels it needs to keep prodding me to do the right thing - ALL THE TIME!!!!! (Do you know how tiring that is). Also I need to live up to everyone's needs and expectations. Otherwise I can get no sleep and have to eat bucketful of ice cream just to avoid the guilt.

I'm sure if you have read thus far, you probably hate me for either being a bitch or for portraying myself to be a saint. To all of you it surely seems that I am just tooting my own horn so I come across as a reincarnation of Mother Teresa. Oh how I wish all this was true and I was some egotistical, self-adulatory, wannabe saint of a human. I wish this because that would free me to be happy because then I will not be aware of others' unhappiness. It would free me from all the guilty feelings stirred by others who feel I am letting them down, even though I go to all lengths to be there for them. Free to say no so that I wont have to bend over backwards to fulfill a commitment while neglecting things that really matter.

But noooooooo....I am none of these things coz I am just plain old nice. Yes I am cursed for life.